Simple Joys and Useful Worries?

Posted on January 2, 2010 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

just before the entrance to the KCC Farmers' Market

Good morning, God. Here I am, back from an early jog/walk and trip to the Farmers’ Market. Walking and talking — such a simple joy. Starting today with a cup of tea and time chatting with Kit — a mostly daily routine — another joy.

And now I am sitting here in silence. The silence is so deep that my first thought upon entering my office was to notice the hum of my printer and TURN IT OFF!

Wouldn’t it be nice if some of our low grade worries could be switched off? God, that WAS a statement, but I changed it to a question because I started to wonder if worry, like fear didn’t serve some sort of useful function. Fear is there to ALERT us and help us to prepare and avoid dangers.

Worry? Perhaps it is to help us map our stress points? To help keep us from being blindsided? Could a wee bit of judicious worry be like a radar sweep — seeing if blips appeared — to be considered? Prepared for?

God, is worry one of those activities that get DISTRIBUTED in a family? I mean, if I worried more, would someone else in the family get to worry less? Probably! But, what I am sensing is that there are assorted kinds of worry. Actually, this is maybe the FIRST time I have ever even considered that worry might have a useful function. DUH! I hope that Duh was from me, God, and not You!

So, now God, please help me adjust my focus to include some useful worrying time. Some mapping of my personal environment and my concentric rings of environments. And, then, having mapped them — let me consider what responses I can make. Ah yes! Sorting out what I CAN do and what I MIGHT do does help. Generating options as a result of identifying worries — sounds like it might even become a joy. Or, am I pushing it? Hey! LET’S PUSH IT!

And, now God, back into the simple joys of daily life. Thank You!

Posted in generating options, simple joys of daily life, useful worrying?

Happy New Year – Happy New Decade

Posted on January 1, 2010 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

a new Deborah Butterfield horse at The Contemporary Museum

Haoli Makahiki Ho! A Happy NEW Year, God and indeed, a happy new DECADE. My brother felt that it was high time we left the Aughts. Until his email I hadn’t even realized we were starting a new decade. I like the idea, though.

I remember the FEAR and attempts at preparation for the new millenium. Numbers do affect us. Time is a scary thing for us. And thank goodness You do give us this sense that we are going to last forever right here on Earth. Mind You, some folks have far too much of that and seem not to value this Great Gift of Life. Then, others, are too afraid of dying to truly live.

And now I am off to jog around Kapiolani Park and then swim.

I’m back. A GLORIOUS MORNING! This morning a friend mentioned that she knew a man so desirous of becoming MINDFUL that he wore a bell on his belt to help him be “aware” each time he stood up. Now this just tickled me. Mindfulness . . . such an interesting concept. And — just now — in thinking about mindfulness I looked up and became aware that my maidenhair fern wanted water. To me mindfulness is about noticing and appreciating –as I did this morning seeing Your light pouring through leaves.
It only takes a moment to SEE. But, of course, mindfulness is more complex than just noticing what is around us and what we are doing. What I REALLY NEED, God, is to be mindful and aware of what is going on inside the various layers of ME.

For example, I realized that I had not given myself PERMISSION to say No to my daughters. Somehow, I thought LOVE meant not saying NO. Needless to say, that meant that at times I over did and in addition to LOVE — I felt RESENTMENT. Now, to feel resentment is to broadcast it. And that is not experienced as love by those around us.

But, as Suz said, when we understand the situation more fully the solution often arises organically. So, this year, I am committing myself to being aware of my “authority” — indeed, my responsibility — to set boundaries and limits as part of caring for myself. Loving myself!

Yes, YOU DID say LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. But, somehow, I got some dysfunctional definitions of love. You say that it takes time and work and MINDFULNESS to develop helpful definitions of love? Hmmm. Your command to SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE does sum this all up. Right! IF we remember that it is our perception of truth that we are speaking and to do it humbly. Shoot, God! Why aren’t we teaching this? Why is it taking ME so long to put it together?

Because it takes courage? Ah yes. Courage.

Posted in accepting my authority to set limits, developing helpful definitions of love, loving myself, mindfulness

Standing in the Doorway of Time

Posted on December 31, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Here we are, God. Busily coming and going and all the while Your Heavens declare Your Glory. Mind You, Your Glory is easier to see here on Oahu. This photo, snapped with my cell phone while waiting for the light to change, doesn’t capture the brilliant blue of the sky and the brightness of the white clouds. Doesn’t take one’s breath away with the beauty of it all.

Still, I like it as a reminder of the contrast between the world we have created (see cars) and the world You have given us. After a busy Christmas season of shopping and giving — it is good to sit here in the silence and appreciate all that YOU have given — are giving. Perspective.

And, we come now to another New Year. . . sitting here looking back on the OLD YEAR and pondering the NEW. Resolutions beckon. How exactly do I want to be different in this New Year? What a GIFT to be given a DIVIDER like this. An opportunity to stand in the doorway of Time and look both backwards and forwards. Perhaps, before looking forward, it would be helpful to look back and consider the old year.

It was a year filled with significant birthdays and anniversaries and celebrations and visits. And also a year in which I was able to SEE some of my small social fears — and in seeing them, be to some extent free of them. Free enough to lose some long attached extra weight. That was a nice by-product of a bit more courage. COURAGE? Yes, in 2010 I feel called to exercise the courage of looking at and into myself. INWARD?

Yes, YES! I seem to hear You say: It won’t be THAT frightening. And then — is it You or me –a voice saying THINK OF ALL THE OPPORTUNITIES TO FORGIVE AND LOVE AND CARE FOR YOURSELF! Hmmm. Must be YOU as the idea of looking at and into myself makes my toes curl up. Curled toes — a sign of fear — and then a cheerful COME ON, IT WON’T BE THAT BAD — reverberates in my being.

Sigh, O.K. God. With YOUR HELP!

Posted in compassion to care for myself, courage to see myself, opportunities to forgive myself

Honesty the root of change?

Posted on December 30, 2009 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

around the side of Koko Crater

Good morning, God! All is quiet (except for NPR news which woke me just a few minutes ago) and dark. It is fun to look back on this drive out to Waimanalo. Sandy took this photo as we passed the blowhole on our return and looked up at the rocky side of Koko Crater. So bright and clear and light. I love these volcanic rocks and the light dry layer of grass on them.

Suzy is here now and we go to San Souci instead of Waimanalo. I love my daughters and I am blessed. Blessed to have such wonderful daughters, blessed to have them want to come and visit.

But, I realized yesterday that sometimes I complain about them. Not large complaints, I say, God to comfort myself. But I realize it is a habit of sorts. Suz loves me and values my opinion. I feel we are evenly matched — well, when I speak up — we are evenly matched. But speaking up in a loving way — TAKING THE TIME TO CENTER MYSELF AND THEN SPEAK — that I have not been doing. We reviewed one of those times yesterday and I really was helped by it.

When I am off in another universe thinking, and get called back — it takes me time to GET back. Then to turn and give the person full attention and say what I want to say HOW I WANT TO SAY IT — that takes time and energy. So, often I snap or growl. This doesn’t have to happen. As Suzy said, when we understand the SITUATION, then the solution arrises organically. And it is such a small thing that needs to change! I just need to give myself permission to TAKE TIME to respond .

Once I give myself permission to be slow and take time AND to refuse requests — then I can do it lovingly and not aggressively. RESPECT! Taking the time to feel and show the deep respect I have for Suzanne will mean I don’t snap and then later complain.

Well, God, I hate confessing all of this. But being honest with myself is essential. And honest leads to accepting personal responsibility. And, God, with Your HELP — that might even lead to change. Smile.

Posted in Uncategorized

The painful gift of hearing

Posted on December 29, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Honolulu Academy of Arts

Thank you, God, for families! I am particularly blessed by an oldest daughter who has faith that I am (eventually) teachable. As a friend said, EVERY FAMILY should have Suzanne. Now, God, that is not to say that learning is easy. . . or pain free.

Last night I heard a home-based interview with Ian, my older grandson — who is 17 and has high functioning autism — an interview which began with rage and then with his mom gently interacting went through fear and finally into crying and profound sorrow. As the tape progressed I responded first with “labeling” then an attempt to find a solution. I ended completely overloaded. It was very close to unbearable. Suz looked at me with surprise. Mom, this is CATHARTIC! This is GOOD! Suz has been where Ian is. She knows. I don’t.

Talking is good, isn’t it God. Or is it listening that is the key?

Being heard by a Trusted Other — being heard into speaking out of our deep dark well of sorrow and isolation — this is healing. We need to be heard into speaking. And now, God, I sigh — thankful You are hearing me, yet so painfully aware at how hard it is to hear our most beloved. Like the SQUEEL of a microphone too close to the speakers — being SO CLOSE — makes the communication feedback happen so quickly that ONLY NOISE COMES OUT! PAINFUL NOISE. I went to bed last night with sorrow sloshing from every pore.

But now, being heard by YOU, I am aware of what a rare and incredible gift it is to have a “child” who loves me enough to keep on trying to be heard — trying to help me hear. And one who is willing to hear ME! As she told me yesterday: Mom you have to spend TIME with the problem. You have to work at understanding the situation. Solutions grow organically out of understanding. Ah my. THANK YOU GOD for the ongoing GIFT of those who love us into growing!

Posted in being heard into speaking, going THROUGH the sorrow, the gift of persistent love

Visible Turnings — Dawn and Dusk

Posted on December 28, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

sunset as seen from Mom's

Good Morning God! The sun hasn’t risen yet. I LOVE these visible transition times. And this morning I will be out walking as dawn arrives. Sunrise and sunset. Our earth is always turning — rotating– but at dawn and dusk we can SEE the turning.

Perhaps that is how birthdays are? An annual “dawn” as it were? A chance to record how we are THIS birthday and then to look back in photos and see the turning. Only, of course, as time goes on — it isn’t quite as much fun.

Just yesterday I saw a photo of OUR galaxy — we must be far enough away from the center to be able to take a photo of it. In fact, didn’t I read that our solar system is very well placed in the galaxy so that we are relatively undisturbed by dramatic galactic goings on? The “safe” placement is Your doing, I am sure! And THANK YOU!

Thank You too for setting us in TIME as well as SPACE. One of those gifts of Yours that I will appreciate more — later on. At the moment it’s a kind of “turning” that I don’t really like to consider. Ah, but, would I be sitting here, chatting with You if I was going to be HERE forever?

Death is a sort of Enforced Perspective. Making me realize that Perspective is another “gift” appreciated far more in hindsight. Hearing another person’s take on a situation also gives us the gift of perspective. Ah, do I hear YOU saying that You too can offer me perspective? And that my NOT KNOWING is the very best way to come into YOUR PRESENCE. So, here I am. Not knowing how best to love my very own family. The desire to say YES to every request — set against the vague understanding that I am not to stand in areas that are THEIRS.

Ah, YES! This NOT KNOWING goes on and on, doesn’t it. And I praise YOU for it! I am sure to mess up and make mistakes. Help me to LEARN so that at least I will move on to new mistakes. Vain Hope, You say? Just lighten up and realize that life is about loving and forgiving — not a scorecard of lessons mastered? No scorecard? REALLY? Is this good news — or bad news?

Hey, I’m sort of joining You in the laughter. . . well, smiling at myself, anyway. Yeah, I love You, too!

Posted in God's gifts, God's Time, humility, perspectives, visible turnings

The importance of parents

Posted on December 27, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

My Mom at her 93rd birthday

Good Morning, God! Today is my mom’s 95th birthday and I shall be calling her soon. And visiting soon after. Then we will have a small birthday party this evening. She’s a wonderful mother!

A good mother is important as You well know. I think of the story (true or not) about how a greeting card company offered to inmates in a jail free Mother’s Day cards and postage. It was a great success and almost every inmate made use of it. So, the company made the same offer at Father’s Day and got an almost zero response. The moral of that story? Do fathers fail us more often than mothers? Or is it that the jobs differ?

Mothers offer unconditional love. Fathers have the job of preparing the child for the world — standards and rules. Personally, I don’t like rules. And then there is the question of unfairness which comes up when rules are applied. Hard. I remember my father saying: Life IS HARD. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. I found in those words a helpful perspective.

I just read Roald Dahl’s book, Boy. In it he tells stories about life at an English boarding school. Talk about rules! And they were enforced by a sadistic set of teachers and headmasters. I thought as I read it that a lot of world problems were caused by such schools. Schools which plunge boys out of the world of mothers and into the world of men. . . and rules . . . cruelty begetting cruelty.

LIFE IS ABOUT BALANCING. Yes, God, it works best if there is a balance between love and standards. And I suppose that the balance needs to be adjusted for each individual and from moment to moment. TRUE You say.

We don’t do this very well, do we God. YES, You say, BUT YOU LEARN BY DOING AND YOU ARE DESIGNED TO LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES AND THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS — ALL THE BETTER TO PRACTICE FORGIVING AND ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS.

And we are also designed to LOVE — both mothers and fathers are designed to LOVE. Love AND Rules? Sigh. WITH YOUR HELP, GOD! WITH YOUR HELP!

Posted in Balancing and adjustments, Life is hard., Life isn't supposed to be easy., Mothers and Fathers

Cleaning up after myself

Posted on December 26, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

the day after Christmas

The House is Silent and Tidy! God, it is such a joy to wake up to a tidy and clean house, that I wonder why I don’t do it more often. This morning it is due to having friends over for Christmas dinner. That and starting and ending early enough so that we could actually get all the dishes done and tables cleaned before we went to bed.

Time and energy management! Now, help me to extract the lessons here and apply them to my body and my emotional body. TO MY WORLD? Hey, God, it is just me here. OK OK NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO YOU!

But, help me focus on my needs — like my need to understand WHY I don’t take better care of myself and my surroundings. DECISIONS! Yes, I turned my head and looked at the piles and the layer of scattered stuff and it is true. MOST of them are postponed decisions. And most of those are things I have not been willing to toss. OH! Another Hidden Fear! I’m AFRAID to toss and throw away! Afraid I might need them. THANK YOU! HELP ME FACE MY FEARS — face the fearful parts of myself.

Cleaning up the World does start with me. Ghandi said it best. We must become the change we wish to see. And, YES, I will need to ASK FOR HELP — and not just Your Help! You have designed us to need help, and to give help. Please, help me give over to YOU any sense that asking and seeking help is cheating!

Posted in accepting my need for help, asking for help for myself, becoming the change I wish to see, clean and tidy, decision making

Amazing Christmas

Posted on December 25, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Merry Christmas, God. Not quite the right greeting, is it. It should be more AWE and WOW and THANK YOU! How absolutely AMAZING that You the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe should have entered our small world — entered into Time and Space — to give us a FACE to look upon. “If you have seen me, you have seen the Father.”

No wonder that so many people find it impossible or are not willing to believe that. It has such a specificity about it. THE NUMINOUS became FLESH? Sigh, especially that is difficult if people think all of this is just the flow of evolution — the complex flow of this and that. Not that You didn’t create and make use of this complex flow.

Now, I am just so thankful that I have been given the gift of belief — ah, You remind me of the days I walked across campus saying: I believe. Help Thou my disbelief. Hm. A thought. It does involve choices. The photo this morning is of Suz yesterday at the market, choosing an orange for bran muffins. I took that photo because the whole store was filled with people making choices for this special dinner for this special day. Perhaps You have even more compassion for those who look at this harsh and difficult world — filled with injustice — and judge You! People who say, if THIS is the best God can do — then I choose NO GOD!

Well, yes, You do remind me that I too was complaining about my species. Complaining that You had not done a good enough job in making us. Blaming you for “hardware” difficulties. And You made it clear that You have been IN THE PROCESS of creating us for a VERY VERY LONG TIME — and that we have reached the point where we are involved — HAVE GOT TO HELP — with this whole process of BECOMING. Becoming fully human? Or just becoming? NOT CLEAR YET, You say? No, more not explainable . . . . but it does involve our making choices.

You ARE the BEST GIFT, God. Even if You are BEYOND explanation. Even if there are more questions by far, than answers. Still, the visceral fact that YOU ARE and YOU LOVE and YOU CARE ABOUT EACH OF US — AND MORE than us — that nourishes me and gives me the hope to . . .
to molt? Or would it be more like a software upgrade? A SERIES of molts and upgrades? Help me to say and mean, THANK YOU!!!!

Posted in a series of molts and upgrades, accepting gifts sight unseen, God as an Ongoing Gift, God's gifts

A world alive with Light

Posted on December 24, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Koko Crater in late December

The World is alive with Light and I am THANKFUL! Joyful, even, as Beauty does that — brings JOY with an intensity that almost hurts. And the world of man-made things pales in comparison. Funny, isn’t it, God. I mean You know I am a materialist in that I love the Material World. My iPod is charging to my right and an anthurium with new leaves and two flowers sits in a pot to my left. And I trudged around most of yesterday LOOKING for stuff to give.

But all of it piled up together is no match for the simple joys of bright blue skies and sunlight coming up from behind Koko Crater. You know, God, I see it all as a GIFT from Your Hand. And I see Your Hand as Loving — and Loving in a PERSONAL WAY. This brings me more JOY even than the LIGHT!

And I wish/pray for all of us to LOVE YOU and then TURN AND LOVE OUR NEIGHBOR AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. And understand that in this small blue dot we are ALL neighbors.

And, yes, God, we could begin with me. Please, help — please pour out even more love — and give us hearts turned right side up so we can received all that You give. All Your Love and Compassion and Interest in each and every one of us — humans — and our extended family of creation. Please.