Good Morning, God
This is ME. Me as I am currently perceiving myself. I am both pulling myself along and being pulled. I am approaching the end of my second year of REBUILDING. Although that word is too simple to convey the complexity of what has been going on inside of me. Loss is indeed, DESTABILIZING.
The loss of my beloved husband of 65 years was unfathomable. I expected grief and sorrow. But what I got seemed to be a slow-motion dissolving of everything. At first, I barely noticed what was going on. I was too busy doing “what needed to be done.” For example, social security needed our marriage certificate! Of course, Kit had saved it — along with other IMPORTANT documents. But, I had covered that box up with printing supplies and it took endless repeated searches to even notice it.
But back to me trying to recap. I finally noticed that my “organizing pole” had gone. My Beloved Kit, around whom every thing revolved, was no longer here. And all revolving and purpose seemed to dissolve. There was a period of feeling as if I was lying fallow. . . or drifting. Both, I guess.
Now? I have reframed my loss. I have chosen to see the dissolution of my former life as — opportunity. Rachel Naomi Remen MD. in her book, My Grandfather’s Blessings, talks about how it took her years “to recognize the movement toward wholeness that was happening in me while my attention was elsewhere”. Aah, yes, YOU do work in us — while our attention is elsewhere!
Currently, I am working on a concept that is new to me. I am seeing myself as a ship that is Navigating through Time and Space. Well, actually, navigating myself through Life. Before one part of me or another would make “plans”. Now it feels as if all of me is getting better at working together. I am navigating more by an unseen general consensus than by any one part. It is amazing! I feel no less purposeful . . . but so much more free!
I am new to this — all parts working together — idea. It works best for me if I pause and ask YOU what might it be good to do right now? Often the answer is SIT QUIETLY and LISTEN. And I remember what I was told: YOU are giving me far more than I am receiving.
So . . . here I am. In the dissolved chaos of loss . . . I am seeking Your help in building a new life . . . maybe even a redesigned me?
Story teller,
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