Owning my Resentments

hau blossomGood Evening, God!

In the past I have referred to Resentments as Rocks. They were big, like rocks and seemingly unmovable. They were large big negative lumps in my past. Now, all this is changing!

The other morning my wonderful husband Kit and I discussed his father’s habit of “going on and on”.  Past a certain point, an on-going diatribe can become verbal abuse. Kit’s dad consistently passed that point. But, Kit’s mother said nothing. She never pointed out that enough had been said. Never said he was giving her a headache. And ultimately . . . she became resentful.

It has taken me decades! But, I am coming to see that my resentments are almost entirely due to my failure to see that I have/had the power to end or reduce the actions causing resentment. That sounds simple . . . just SEE we have power . . . and use it!  But, looking back at Kit’s mother — who had been raised in New England — I can see how her inner rules on how to be a good wife — absolutely closed her eyes to her power to speak on her own behalf.

Sigh, our cultural rules are so often invisible to us . . . and to others in our own culture! Just the other day my marvelous spiritual director was commenting on how tightly tied I was to my WASP culture. Thank You, God, she is not a WASP.

So, now I am working on an “assessment” of the powers I have . . . could have . . . might have. . . to see what a lot more freedom might look like. Galatians 5 talks about how we have been set free. I love that chapter. But, it is only now that I am starting to see all the many ways in which I have been bound … constrained. Yikes!

 

 

Posted in connecting, Discernment, freedom, Personal Power, Rocks of Resentment, seeing, The Power of Naming

Growing toward UP

IMG_5152Good Day, God!

After no blogs for months . . . I am feeling the need to sit mindfully in Your Presence. Our daughter, Suzanne, shared with me that when she was in high school she had a period where she was obsessed with the word POTENTIAL. And, truly, God, that is a word that wants to OPEN us.

The potential of this squash blossom is clear. If it is watered and pollinated with will become a squash. But, for us humans? Yikes! There is almost an infinite number of paths and goals and gifts that call out to be developed. Yet the basic need for LOVE and STIMULATION are foundations . . . like water and pollination for the squash plant.

There used to be a societal goal of the Well Rounded Man (yes, it was always men . . . a well rounded woman wasn’t on the table.) And Jung seemed to believe that as we matured we would not just stay in our dominant gifts. Let’s see Intuitive/Sensate is one axis and Feeler/Thinker is another. So, my dominant mode is Intuitive and my inferior one is Sensate. And my wonderful husband Kit is on the same pole but primarily a Sensate.  It gets more complicated (DUH!) with the extroverted/introverted element. But I’m off the point.

Sigh…I’m out of balance. I’m lacking in discipline. More specifically, I need to honor commitments made to myself. I’m thinking of the exercises I need to do to help my frozen shoulder.  I made myself do a set BEFORE I came back to my blog. Now I need to do another set before bed.  They are not really hard. But, they are not easy…and I tend to drift toward easy.

Easy is not the path toward our Potential.  I am willing and wanting Your help, God!

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Posted in Balancing and adjustments, connecting, discipline, exercising, growing toward up, Growth Opportunities, the Growth Mindset

The Unfurling Future

IMG_5150Good Evening, God!

A few days ago my wonderful husband Kit and I went out for an early morning walk. It was early enough the the hibiscus hadn’t unfurled yet. I was taken with how hibiscus unfurl.  Right now Kit and I are waiting out hurricane Lane at home — “sheltering in place” they call it. And I am observing that the Future is also given to unfurling.

Right now the Future is unfurling VERY SLOWLY. Hurricane Lane. . . after dropping 19 inches of rain in 24 hours on Hilo on the Big Island . . . and then moving on to Maui . . .  is keeping us all waiting here on Oahu.  NOT that I am eager for it to arrive!

Being all hunkered down — waiting — for two full days has a certain novelty. It gave me time to bring 32 potted plants into our townhouse. And today, while reading downstairs, I glanced up at our stuck jalousie window and suddenly knew how I could cover them with black garbage bags to keep out most of the rain — that IS coming!
But . . . not yet.

KIT did help me, even thought he is skeptical of the hurricane reaching us at all. He tells me I have a VIVID imagination. I tell him I am only remembering — not imagining. And I confess, that while most of me wants him to be right, there is, alas, a certain satisfaction in being right.

Meanwhile, I’m pondering how jerkily the future unfurls. Thursday I canceled a 6:30 a.m. walk — fearing rain. Today, Friday, I was one of three who didn’t want to drive off for a scheduled lunch. Another cancelation.

I’m grateful for simple things like being able to “fix” the open windows.  Projects take me out of my state of suspended animation. Hmm. I may often be in that state without noticing……

While we wait, the storm has lessened in intensity. That is good.
Dare I ask, God, that You reduce it still more?
And now a few hours later — it looks as if You have! The hurricane is now a tropical storm that is slowly falling apart! HURRAY!!!

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Posted in connecting, Future, Peace, Trusting God

A Reminder from the Pope

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Good  Morning, God!

I am not doing enough . . . or much . . . for refugees! This massively avoidable fact was brought home by the morning paper doing a piece on Pope Francis’s apostolic exhortation titled “Rejoice and Be Glad”. He talks about protecting the unborn. Then says “Equally sacred, however, are the lives of the poor, those already born, the destitute, the abandoned.” And he continues saying,  that Welcoming the stranger at the door is fundamental to the faith.

I know, God! You didn’t just read this — you inspired it! But here are a few of my favorite phrases from the first two chapters:
• “When somebody has an answer for every question, it is a sign that they are not on the right road.” Then he reminds us that God infinitely transcends us; he is full of surprises.
• We are called to make every effort to preserve charity: “The one who loves another has fulfilled the law… for love is the fulfilment of the law” (Rom 13:8.10). “For the whole law is summed up in a single commandment, ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself’” (Gal 5:14).

Best of all, Pope Francis lifts up the ordinary acts of life that when done with love make us more aware that we live in God. And that God wants to be even more in us.

We live Ordinary Lives in which nothing is too small for You, God, to bless and to participate in.  I am so thankful.

 

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Posted in Caring, choices, Choosing Meaning, Choosing to respond, connecting, delight, LOVE, rejoicing, The daily details of love

The Blessing of Being With

Fr. Boyle

Good Day, God!

A friend mentioned to me that she had heard Fr. Boyle interviewed and she came away with the idea that he wasn’t keen on prayer.  I pondered that. And it came to me that Father Boyle is in the business (Your Business, God) of Being With. He hangs out with the same folks that Jesus hung out with. Folks that the Righteous have judged and turned away from. He loves them. He listens to them. And I bet that sometime he might even say a few choice words.

The older I get the more I appreciate the blessings of being with. There is a lot of communication going on below our mental radar when we are truly there WITH another person.

So, I’m eager to go hear Fr. Boyle this coming April 22 . . . I wonder if my wonderful husband Kit will go with me . . . or go to the opera we have tickets for. Hmm. In the meantime I have been moved by hearing him read his latest book.  Thanks, God!

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Posted in Being With, Belonging to each other, connecting, Families, family, LOVE, the gift of persistent love

Joys and Delights

IMG_8591

Good Evening, God!

I’d gone to bed early and perhaps I dozed but I wanted to sit here before You. Yes, I know You are in All Times and Places. Still, it is comforting to sit consciously before You. A dear friend sent me this sunrise photo taken on Easter morning.

It was just last night when another dear friend talked about not wanting the pagan trappings of Easter. I confess, God, that I pulled out my phone and displayed the Easter Rabbit that Your Heavens had briefly bestowed upon us.

You must laugh at how serious and solemn we are about You, God. I think it was during the Palm Sunday festivities at St. James in the City when the thought popped into my mind that You might want us to play with You as much as worship You.

Saint Paul exhorts us to REJOICE! And again I say REJOICE! How can we not rejoice in the presence of Your World? As Your Spirit flows through us — forgiving and healing — joy seems to be the overwhelming response. Joy, Love, Peace, Kindness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self Control . . . the fruit of the Spirit, indeed.

Posted in connecting, Fruit of the Spirit, JOY, LOVE, Play, Sabbath as PLAY

pausing to pray

IMG_2869Good Day, God!

This morning I read — from a handout our pastor gave us — this poem by Mary Oliver.
It makes PRAYER so simple. And I feel that is exactly how You want it to be. SIMPLE! So we don’t need to be special or ordained or qualified. We just need to pause and pray.

PRAYING BY Mary Oliver

It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stores: just pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.

 

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Posted in Awe, connecting, gratitude, Prayer, praying, taking time to focus

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