Standing in the Doorway of Time

Posted on December 31, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Here we are, God. Busily coming and going and all the while Your Heavens declare Your Glory. Mind You, Your Glory is easier to see here on Oahu. This photo, snapped with my cell phone while waiting for the light to change, doesn’t capture the brilliant blue of the sky and the brightness of the white clouds. Doesn’t take one’s breath away with the beauty of it all.

Still, I like it as a reminder of the contrast between the world we have created (see cars) and the world You have given us. After a busy Christmas season of shopping and giving — it is good to sit here in the silence and appreciate all that YOU have given — are giving. Perspective.

And, we come now to another New Year. . . sitting here looking back on the OLD YEAR and pondering the NEW. Resolutions beckon. How exactly do I want to be different in this New Year? What a GIFT to be given a DIVIDER like this. An opportunity to stand in the doorway of Time and look both backwards and forwards. Perhaps, before looking forward, it would be helpful to look back and consider the old year.

It was a year filled with significant birthdays and anniversaries and celebrations and visits. And also a year in which I was able to SEE some of my small social fears — and in seeing them, be to some extent free of them. Free enough to lose some long attached extra weight. That was a nice by-product of a bit more courage. COURAGE? Yes, in 2010 I feel called to exercise the courage of looking at and into myself. INWARD?

Yes, YES! I seem to hear You say: It won’t be THAT frightening. And then — is it You or me –a voice saying THINK OF ALL THE OPPORTUNITIES TO FORGIVE AND LOVE AND CARE FOR YOURSELF! Hmmm. Must be YOU as the idea of looking at and into myself makes my toes curl up. Curled toes — a sign of fear — and then a cheerful COME ON, IT WON’T BE THAT BAD — reverberates in my being.

Sigh, O.K. God. With YOUR HELP!

Honesty the root of change?

Posted on December 30, 2009 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

around the side of Koko Crater

Good morning, God! All is quiet (except for NPR news which woke me just a few minutes ago) and dark. It is fun to look back on this drive out to Waimanalo. Sandy took this photo as we passed the blowhole on our return and looked up at the rocky side of Koko Crater. So bright and clear and light. I love these volcanic rocks and the light dry layer of grass on them.

Suzy is here now and we go to San Souci instead of Waimanalo. I love my daughters and I am blessed. Blessed to have such wonderful daughters, blessed to have them want to come and visit.

But, I realized yesterday that sometimes I complain about them. Not large complaints, I say, God to comfort myself. But I realize it is a habit of sorts. Suz loves me and values my opinion. I feel we are evenly matched — well, when I speak up — we are evenly matched. But speaking up in a loving way — TAKING THE TIME TO CENTER MYSELF AND THEN SPEAK — that I have not been doing. We reviewed one of those times yesterday and I really was helped by it.

When I am off in another universe thinking, and get called back — it takes me time to GET back. Then to turn and give the person full attention and say what I want to say HOW I WANT TO SAY IT — that takes time and energy. So, often I snap or growl. This doesn’t have to happen. As Suzy said, when we understand the SITUATION, then the solution arrises organically. And it is such a small thing that needs to change! I just need to give myself permission to TAKE TIME to respond .

Once I give myself permission to be slow and take time AND to refuse requests — then I can do it lovingly and not aggressively. RESPECT! Taking the time to feel and show the deep respect I have for Suzanne will mean I don’t snap and then later complain.

Well, God, I hate confessing all of this. But being honest with myself is essential. And honest leads to accepting personal responsibility. And, God, with Your HELP — that might even lead to change. Smile.

Posted in Uncategorized

The painful gift of hearing

Posted on December 29, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Honolulu Academy of Arts

Thank you, God, for families! I am particularly blessed by an oldest daughter who has faith that I am (eventually) teachable. As a friend said, EVERY FAMILY should have Suzanne. Now, God, that is not to say that learning is easy. . . or pain free.

Last night I heard a home-based interview with Ian, my older grandson — who is 17 and has high functioning autism — an interview which began with rage and then with his mom gently interacting went through fear and finally into crying and profound sorrow. As the tape progressed I responded first with “labeling” then an attempt to find a solution. I ended completely overloaded. It was very close to unbearable. Suz looked at me with surprise. Mom, this is CATHARTIC! This is GOOD! Suz has been where Ian is. She knows. I don’t.

Talking is good, isn’t it God. Or is it listening that is the key?

Being heard by a Trusted Other — being heard into speaking out of our deep dark well of sorrow and isolation — this is healing. We need to be heard into speaking. And now, God, I sigh — thankful You are hearing me, yet so painfully aware at how hard it is to hear our most beloved. Like the SQUEEL of a microphone too close to the speakers — being SO CLOSE — makes the communication feedback happen so quickly that ONLY NOISE COMES OUT! PAINFUL NOISE. I went to bed last night with sorrow sloshing from every pore.

But now, being heard by YOU, I am aware of what a rare and incredible gift it is to have a “child” who loves me enough to keep on trying to be heard — trying to help me hear. And one who is willing to hear ME! As she told me yesterday: Mom you have to spend TIME with the problem. You have to work at understanding the situation. Solutions grow organically out of understanding. Ah my. THANK YOU GOD for the ongoing GIFT of those who love us into growing!

Posted in being heard into speaking, going THROUGH the sorrow, the gift of persistent love

Visible Turnings — Dawn and Dusk

Posted on December 28, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

sunset as seen from Mom's

Good Morning God! The sun hasn’t risen yet. I LOVE these visible transition times. And this morning I will be out walking as dawn arrives. Sunrise and sunset. Our earth is always turning — rotating– but at dawn and dusk we can SEE the turning.

Perhaps that is how birthdays are? An annual “dawn” as it were? A chance to record how we are THIS birthday and then to look back in photos and see the turning. Only, of course, as time goes on — it isn’t quite as much fun.

Just yesterday I saw a photo of OUR galaxy — we must be far enough away from the center to be able to take a photo of it. In fact, didn’t I read that our solar system is very well placed in the galaxy so that we are relatively undisturbed by dramatic galactic goings on? The “safe” placement is Your doing, I am sure! And THANK YOU!

Thank You too for setting us in TIME as well as SPACE. One of those gifts of Yours that I will appreciate more — later on. At the moment it’s a kind of “turning” that I don’t really like to consider. Ah, but, would I be sitting here, chatting with You if I was going to be HERE forever?

Death is a sort of Enforced Perspective. Making me realize that Perspective is another “gift” appreciated far more in hindsight. Hearing another person’s take on a situation also gives us the gift of perspective. Ah, do I hear YOU saying that You too can offer me perspective? And that my NOT KNOWING is the very best way to come into YOUR PRESENCE. So, here I am. Not knowing how best to love my very own family. The desire to say YES to every request — set against the vague understanding that I am not to stand in areas that are THEIRS.

Ah, YES! This NOT KNOWING goes on and on, doesn’t it. And I praise YOU for it! I am sure to mess up and make mistakes. Help me to LEARN so that at least I will move on to new mistakes. Vain Hope, You say? Just lighten up and realize that life is about loving and forgiving — not a scorecard of lessons mastered? No scorecard? REALLY? Is this good news — or bad news?

Hey, I’m sort of joining You in the laughter. . . well, smiling at myself, anyway. Yeah, I love You, too!

Posted in God's gifts, God's Time, humility, perspectives, visible turnings

The importance of parents

Posted on December 27, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

My Mom at her 93rd birthday

Good Morning, God! Today is my mom’s 95th birthday and I shall be calling her soon. And visiting soon after. Then we will have a small birthday party this evening. She’s a wonderful mother!

A good mother is important as You well know. I think of the story (true or not) about how a greeting card company offered to inmates in a jail free Mother’s Day cards and postage. It was a great success and almost every inmate made use of it. So, the company made the same offer at Father’s Day and got an almost zero response. The moral of that story? Do fathers fail us more often than mothers? Or is it that the jobs differ?

Mothers offer unconditional love. Fathers have the job of preparing the child for the world — standards and rules. Personally, I don’t like rules. And then there is the question of unfairness which comes up when rules are applied. Hard. I remember my father saying: Life IS HARD. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. I found in those words a helpful perspective.

I just read Roald Dahl’s book, Boy. In it he tells stories about life at an English boarding school. Talk about rules! And they were enforced by a sadistic set of teachers and headmasters. I thought as I read it that a lot of world problems were caused by such schools. Schools which plunge boys out of the world of mothers and into the world of men. . . and rules . . . cruelty begetting cruelty.

LIFE IS ABOUT BALANCING. Yes, God, it works best if there is a balance between love and standards. And I suppose that the balance needs to be adjusted for each individual and from moment to moment. TRUE You say.

We don’t do this very well, do we God. YES, You say, BUT YOU LEARN BY DOING AND YOU ARE DESIGNED TO LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES AND THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS — ALL THE BETTER TO PRACTICE FORGIVING AND ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS.

And we are also designed to LOVE — both mothers and fathers are designed to LOVE. Love AND Rules? Sigh. WITH YOUR HELP, GOD! WITH YOUR HELP!

Posted in Balancing and adjustments, Life is hard., Life isn't supposed to be easy., Mothers and Fathers

Cleaning up after myself

Posted on December 26, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

the day after Christmas

The House is Silent and Tidy! God, it is such a joy to wake up to a tidy and clean house, that I wonder why I don’t do it more often. This morning it is due to having friends over for Christmas dinner. That and starting and ending early enough so that we could actually get all the dishes done and tables cleaned before we went to bed.

Time and energy management! Now, help me to extract the lessons here and apply them to my body and my emotional body. TO MY WORLD? Hey, God, it is just me here. OK OK NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO YOU!

But, help me focus on my needs — like my need to understand WHY I don’t take better care of myself and my surroundings. DECISIONS! Yes, I turned my head and looked at the piles and the layer of scattered stuff and it is true. MOST of them are postponed decisions. And most of those are things I have not been willing to toss. OH! Another Hidden Fear! I’m AFRAID to toss and throw away! Afraid I might need them. THANK YOU! HELP ME FACE MY FEARS — face the fearful parts of myself.

Cleaning up the World does start with me. Ghandi said it best. We must become the change we wish to see. And, YES, I will need to ASK FOR HELP — and not just Your Help! You have designed us to need help, and to give help. Please, help me give over to YOU any sense that asking and seeking help is cheating!

Posted in accepting my need for help, asking for help for myself, becoming the change I wish to see, clean and tidy, decision making

Amazing Christmas

Posted on December 25, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Merry Christmas, God. Not quite the right greeting, is it. It should be more AWE and WOW and THANK YOU! How absolutely AMAZING that You the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe should have entered our small world — entered into Time and Space — to give us a FACE to look upon. “If you have seen me, you have seen the Father.”

No wonder that so many people find it impossible or are not willing to believe that. It has such a specificity about it. THE NUMINOUS became FLESH? Sigh, especially that is difficult if people think all of this is just the flow of evolution — the complex flow of this and that. Not that You didn’t create and make use of this complex flow.

Now, I am just so thankful that I have been given the gift of belief — ah, You remind me of the days I walked across campus saying: I believe. Help Thou my disbelief. Hm. A thought. It does involve choices. The photo this morning is of Suz yesterday at the market, choosing an orange for bran muffins. I took that photo because the whole store was filled with people making choices for this special dinner for this special day. Perhaps You have even more compassion for those who look at this harsh and difficult world — filled with injustice — and judge You! People who say, if THIS is the best God can do — then I choose NO GOD!

Well, yes, You do remind me that I too was complaining about my species. Complaining that You had not done a good enough job in making us. Blaming you for “hardware” difficulties. And You made it clear that You have been IN THE PROCESS of creating us for a VERY VERY LONG TIME — and that we have reached the point where we are involved — HAVE GOT TO HELP — with this whole process of BECOMING. Becoming fully human? Or just becoming? NOT CLEAR YET, You say? No, more not explainable . . . . but it does involve our making choices.

You ARE the BEST GIFT, God. Even if You are BEYOND explanation. Even if there are more questions by far, than answers. Still, the visceral fact that YOU ARE and YOU LOVE and YOU CARE ABOUT EACH OF US — AND MORE than us — that nourishes me and gives me the hope to . . .
to molt? Or would it be more like a software upgrade? A SERIES of molts and upgrades? Help me to say and mean, THANK YOU!!!!

Posted in a series of molts and upgrades, accepting gifts sight unseen, God as an Ongoing Gift, God's gifts

A world alive with Light

Posted on December 24, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Koko Crater in late December

The World is alive with Light and I am THANKFUL! Joyful, even, as Beauty does that — brings JOY with an intensity that almost hurts. And the world of man-made things pales in comparison. Funny, isn’t it, God. I mean You know I am a materialist in that I love the Material World. My iPod is charging to my right and an anthurium with new leaves and two flowers sits in a pot to my left. And I trudged around most of yesterday LOOKING for stuff to give.

But all of it piled up together is no match for the simple joys of bright blue skies and sunlight coming up from behind Koko Crater. You know, God, I see it all as a GIFT from Your Hand. And I see Your Hand as Loving — and Loving in a PERSONAL WAY. This brings me more JOY even than the LIGHT!

And I wish/pray for all of us to LOVE YOU and then TURN AND LOVE OUR NEIGHBOR AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. And understand that in this small blue dot we are ALL neighbors.

And, yes, God, we could begin with me. Please, help — please pour out even more love — and give us hearts turned right side up so we can received all that You give. All Your Love and Compassion and Interest in each and every one of us — humans — and our extended family of creation. Please.

Posted in asking for help for myself, beauty, JOY, Light, LOVE, Our Extended Family - all creatures great and small, our small blue dot

Changes over Time

Posted on December 23, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

I love the light at the end of the year. The December and January light is lower in the sky but the clouds are fewer and everything seems to glow. Thank You, God for LIGHT, and for SEASONS — even the barely perceptible seasons we have here.

Monday I was up at the end of Keeamoku St. and there was Tantalus with an amazingly white cloud behind it. I gasped. Your world is SO BEAUTIFUL. Thank You for the World and for giving us a sense of beauty.

Then yesterday I was reading about the fact that the Arctic sea ice will be gone — at least in the summer — rather soon. In fact, they aren’t sure just when because as the permafrost thaws more CO2 will be released causing an increase in the warming. As a person living on an island I really hope (ask YOU?) that this warming thing doesn’t happen too suddenly.

A seasonal change is a delight, but I am not eager for MAJOR change • CLIMATE CHANGE . . . but then, is anyone? Please, help me to care about my children and grandchildren’s world and not rest in the Not in My Lifetime view. . . Please!

Posted in climate changes, seasonal changes

On Moral Failures

Posted on December 22, 2009 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Ah God, is there anything sadder than a Pastor who steps down due to “moral failure”? Tiger we understand. . . sort of . . . ministers? But here is an image of OUR INNER CAT — out in the cold looking for ? ? ? AND WE ALL HAVE AN INNER CAT!

Dr. Arch Hart spoke right to the HEART of the PROBLEM several years ago when he talked here in Honolulu about ANHEDONIA. The TOTAL ABSENCE OF PLEASURE. The way he explained it was that when we are TOO BUSY — yes, God, even TOO BUSY DOING YOUR WILL — that we slowly build a wall around our brain’s Pleasure Center. The wall eventually gets so high that simple pleasures can’t get in. I guess that would be like being out in the cold without warm clothes. ICE. COLD. NOTHINGNESS.

At that point, our inner cat, our inner pleasure seeking cat, goes out on the prowl. Pleasure seems so essential . . . and God, perhaps it is. Thus MORAL FAILURE.

Dr. Hart talked about a well known ministry leader who saw him thanks to his wife (and her threat to publicly blow him out of the water if he didn’t go). Dr. Hart said get out your calendar. CUT OUT HALF OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING! And, under duress, he did. One year later Dr. Hart got a thank you note from him. He talked about the simple joys he was now able to experience . . . now that he had CUT WAY BACK. So, God, I am not THAT busy.

BUT, DEAR HEART YOU ARE TOO BUSY!

Big sigh. Yes, God. Too busy. CUT BACK! I hear You. I hear YOU. Now help me enter into the needed humility to truly cut back. And the wisdom to know WHAT TO CUT AND HOW! Please!

Posted in busy, Moral Failures, Our inner Cat