Taking care of “My Own Dear Self”

Posted on December 20, 2011 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Full Moon over Koko Crater: Pastel by Ann Peters

Good Morning, God!

I received this pastel painting with total delight. It was in a way (no offense, God) better than the real thing. Artists can darken the darks and lighten the lights. Artists can reposition the clouds and add a touch of mystery.

Art is as much about what we leave out as what we put in. Part of the fun for me, God, is how little it takes to evoke so much. A few simple lines can capture the essence of a person. While most photographs seem too full — containing too much.

Now that I think about it, God, I have the same feeling with a lot of the non-fiction books I read. A few good ideas buried in too many words. Many fiction books would also be improved by a good editor. I guess I sound a bit like King George’s critique of Mozart — too many notes!

“Too Much” describes me right now, God. It has been two weeks since I have “edited” the various layers of my life. My closets are stuffed. My desk is covered. My in-basket overflows. And still more library books are overdue. But, all of that can wait, has waited and probably will wait.

What needs my attention is my “own dear self.” Not so much my physical body as my emotional body. I am not exactly sure how to do that, God. Sitting here, now, knowing You are listening to me, helps. But, I have to be willing to speak. Willing to confess . . . but what?

The first thought that came up was that my emotional body is full of tears. Unshed tears. Underground currents of salt water flowing deep within me. Hmm. I am pretty sure, God, that this is the Part of me that prays with “groans too deep to be uttered.” (Romans 8:26) Please, God, help me hear and honor this Essentail Part.

Tagged with: a moment with God, caring for my emotional body, hearing my inner selves
Posted in a hand up, being heard into speaking, being together in a compassionate presence, listening, LOVE, Wholeness

Learning to “Let it GO, Louie”

Posted on December 19, 2011 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Louie from the Budweiser Beer commercial

Good Morning, God!

Most of us humans like to “go on and on” when talking on certain topics. I sure do. It is as if I get caught in a mental whirlpool — spinning around and around — not able or willing to extricate myself from the topic. And certain topics are, indeed, Hot Buttons.

I do this without really remembering doing it. My selective memory is at work — cleaning up my life!

Ah, but I do remember when others do it. Kit’s dad was famous in the family for Going On and On! I don’t mean retelling good old stories. . . or singing someone’s praises. For me the phrase “Going On and On” means the content is full of judging. It really isn’t pleasant, God. In truth, it’s toxic.

But, for many years, it never occurred to me that I could do anything about it. That’s the trouble with Cultural Roles — when we are IN that sort of box, that is all there is. As I remember, I broke out of that box in a terrible fit of temper. Quite suddenly I snapped! It was clear that this “Going On and On” was Verbal Abuse! And it was VERY CLEAR that it was no longer acceptable to me.

Fortunately, this happened around the time of Budweiser commercials featuring two lizards, Frank and Louie. Louie would be “Going On and On,” griping that frogs, not the lizards, had been selected as promoters of the best-selling beer. Finally good ol’ Frank would sigh and say, “Let it go, Louie. Let it go!”

In our family, this became “Our Phrase” — a humorous way of reminding each other that it was time to stop. And, now we even use it to keep each other from starting. Thank You, God, for Your help with this!

Tagged with: "Going On and On", saying STOP, toxic words and feelings, verbal abuse
Posted in Habits, learning, Possibilities

The Moiliilil Water Cave and Layers of Reality

Posted on December 18, 2011 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Moiliili Water Cave: Photo by Leah Colucci

Good Morning, God!

After reading my blog on Draining Pools of Pain a friend reminded me of the Water Cave under the Kokua Market parking lot. Years ago I had heard that there were underground caverns along King Street, but I hadn’t thought much about them until she mentioned it.

Googling “underground Moiliili” took me back to the last interglacial period — the Pleistocene Sangamon Interglacial Stage — to be precise. That’s when the coral that the cave is made of was created.

Back then (maybe 2.5 millions years ago?) the sea level was 25 feet higher than it is today. So the coral reefs were further inland. They were right around the area between the University of Hawaii at Manoa and Kapiolani Boulevard. Over time the fossil coral was shaped by the Manoa stream — before it changed course — and is now a limestone landscape or karst. For years it was part of a water system that fed several springs, one of them being at the Willow’s restaurant. But, in 1934 a construction project caused a major drainage of the area — damaging the springs.

It’s funny, God, how when we stand on solid ground — the parking lot at the Kokua Market — we don’t think that there is a water cave just a couple meters under our feet. There is a phrase in the book, Thinking: Fast and Slow that describes a common human perceptual problem — “What we see is all there is.”

That pretty much describes me, God. There are so many layers in “reality” — but I am mostly oblivious. If that is true of the relatively easy physical reality, what about our emotional realities? Layers upon layers, God! And, mostly unseen, until they crop up in Springs — or sewer outfalls.

Thank You, God, for the Water Cave being a reminder that there is far more going on in the world — in me, and in others — than I can see.

Tagged with: emotional caverns, layers of reality, Moiliili cave
Posted in seeing, Understanding

A “fever” of 10,000 golden stingrays — migrating

Posted on December 17, 2011 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Thousands of stingrays migrating between Yucatan and Florida: Photo by Sandra Critelli

Good Morning, God

My brother sent this photo. Apparently, 10,00 golden cow-nose stingrays migrate between the Yucatan peninsula and Florida — twice each year. Why? Apparently, Florida is their summer feeding-ground.

Hmm. They congregate into “fevers” of ten thousand and then set out on their voyages. That’s a lot of golden cow-nose stingrays! And, they are flourishing — mating in winter and having litters of 5 – 10 young.

How do they know where and when to gather? I’ve wondered about this before, God, as our Ka Leo (golden plovers) congregate in April to fly to Alaska, returning in August. Whales, too, migrate between Alaska and Hawaii.

Our Earth is filled with amazing creatures — doing their “thing” without our help or even our understanding. I feel left out! We ought to understand, God! Maybe someday. Meanwhile, pondering the migration of diverse creatures fills me with wonder.

I am so easily entranced by what we humans know and have done (the iPhone being my favorite) that I forget just how much we don’t know. We don’t even have the questions yet. We are surrounded by mystery and don’t see it. But, sitting here and looking at these thousands of stingrays on their way to Florida opens a door to the vastness of what we cannot comprehend. Thank You, God, for migrations — and mysteries!

Tagged with: golden cow-nosed stingray migrations, migrations, mysteries
Posted in mysteries, Understanding, web of life

Draining Pools of Pain

Posted on December 16, 2011 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Lake Kokua -- the parking lot that doesn't drain

Good Morning, God!

Coming home from my Wednesday morning Women’s Prayer Group, I noticed the puddles that had formed after the rain. I noticed first the puddles on a baseball field. Dirt is permeable, God. The puddles won’t last very long. The water soaks slowly into the ground and into the aquifer.

Then I drove into the Kokua food co-op. The parking lot had turned into a lake. This time the water will stay, as it has trouble seeping through the asphalt.

I have found that my Heart has asphalt patches — places where hurts and pains don’t drain. I am not alone. Recently, my husband Kit recounted an upsetting incident from this summer. His voice expressed indignation and hurt. The pain had pooled up. This incident had been just rudeness. What do people DO, God, when they have been abandoned or betrayed — deeply hurt?

That was a rhetorical question, God. They suffer! We know full well that we must let go and forgive — drain the pool. Alas, we don’t really know how. Forgiving isn’t a switch we can flip. I guess our mistake is in thinking it could be simple.

I’m sitting here, God, looking at the photo of the flooded parking lot. I’m thinking it needs a drain right in the center — connected to the sewers and then flowing into the ocean. Installing a drain takes hard work and time. Forgiving is like that “drain” — letting the pain go down into Your Heart, God.

You are reminding me that You HAVE told us how to build that necessary “drain”infrastructure: 1) PRAY FOR those who despitefully treat us. 2) BLESS and not to curse. 3) Offer up the sacrifice of praise. Yes, they ALL take hard work and time.

For sure that last one can only be done — through gritted teeth — with Your Help!

Tagged with: Draining our pain, forgiving, Praying for those who have hurt us
Posted in Forgiving, pain, Praise, Sacrifice

We Love, Because He First Loved Us

Posted on December 15, 2011 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Yellow Hibiscus

Good Morning, God!

As I was walking up the hill to my car — after taking Mom to the doctor’s — I remembered, “We love, because He first loved us.” I was passing a hedge of yellow hibiscus at the time and the flowers seemed to affirm that love.

Colors! Flowers! Clouds! Sunlight! All reminders that we are loved. And All is Well. As Julian of Norwich said “all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

Calligraphy by Michael Noyes

Not, of course, what we want — or what we would have it be if we were given all sorts of power. But, at its core it is GOOD.

That certainty — and right now, I am certain — helps me see past death and even the wretched illnesses that plague beloved friends. It helps me see a Creation that is Yours. An Open Creation into which You pour LOVE.

I’m smiling right now, God. Thinking of how Steve Jobs last words are supposed to have been “Wow! Wow! Wow!” Moments like this — when it feels as if I can see past death — are incredible gifts.

I remember what a dear friend told me after the death of our daughter Patty. She said, “I would give everything I have to have had Patty for 18 years.” That statement turns reality right side up, God. It changes the focus from losing beloved family members — to the amazing fact that we had them.

It is still hard, God. Indeed, Life often hurts. But, nevertheless, I am thankful. I know that You are Love. Please help us all — to open to You and Your Love — and pass it on.

Tagged with: And all shall be well, At its core the universe is Good
Posted in Life isn't supposed to be easy., LOVE, thankfulness, The Flow of God's Love

‘Tis the Season of Invitations

Posted on December 14, 2011 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A View from the Oahu Country Club

Good Morning, God!

The Christmas Season is upon us! With Trees and Greens and Lights — and Invitations!

I was jogging several mornings ago with my beloved husband Kit and we realized we had each accepted different engagements for the same night. The good news is that so far that’s our only conflicted evening.

My first thought was that we could go to both engagements. This is the mindset that leads politicians to appear at three or more events in the same evening. Madness!

It is a very good thing, God, that I cannot be in two places at the same time — or I would be. Oh my! That is the “do everything” part of me. Where is my “executive function,” God? Where, indeed!

Hmph! I think it is still wrestling with the Part that Resists Limits. Sigh. I was hoping that I would — at some point — become wise enough to embrace limits.

Perhaps, it isn’t wisdom but trust that enables one to dwell comfortably within the protective confines of limits? Sabbath days of Not Working. Budgets. Fasting. Tithing. Hmmm.

Yes, You invite me, all of us, to FEAR NOT and to TRUST You. It seems to me to require an awful lot of trusting and not-fearing to keep Your Commandments, God. Putting aside all work for one day a week? However could I get everything DONE? Not that everything ever does “get done.”

Living well does mean living well within our assorted limits. It means having MARGINS in our calendars and in our budgets. Especially in our body’s energy budget. Please help me to say no — realizing that no one is going to miss me that much — or maybe at all.

Tagged with: letting go of doing it all, limits as guard rails, protective limits, the folly of resisting limits
Posted in choices, living within limits, loving limits, Positive Protective Limits

A New Appreciation of Energy and Focus

Posted on December 13, 2011 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A Very Focused Night Heron

Good Morning, God!

It is Tuesday morning and my brain is back “online.” Now, as I survey the devastation of a “week without picking up,” I am ready to engage.

Maybe even eager? Not quite as focused as this night heron I caught stalking his prey at the Hilton Hawaiian Village yesterday. But ready.

Last night, after coming home from the Outback Steak House, I just fell into bed. Sleep does “knit the raveled sleeve of care,” or recharge the batteries as we say today.

This is a good thing, God. We’re concerned about two wet spots in our carpets at home, apparently due to roof problems — sigh. But, that is something we can get help with. Putting away stuff is our job.

Still, with the stuff, our daughter Sandy is here to help — mostly to help us give things away. I confess, God, that I love things. So, parting with them is difficult. Magazines I haven’t read — or books I have read — pants that used to fit or might fit — all these require an “opening of the hand and heart.”

Hmm. Opening my hands and heart takes energy. Almost everything takes energy, God. Digesting food takes a lot of energy. That may be why rats on a very low-calorie diet live a lot longer. And worrying and fretting [fearing] takes energy, too. You tell us, FEAR NOT! Such good words, God.

However, “Fearing Not”, does require keeping my eyes focused on You. And that takes both energy and intent. The good news is that when I do focus on You, more energy flows into me. The bad news is, I have to remember to do it.

HABITS! I heard that, God! Please help me to build the Healthy Heart Habits of Trust and Connection.

Tagged with: Energy and Focus, Fear Not, the Healthy Heart Habits of Trust and Connection
Posted in connecting, Energy, Habits, Prayer

A Day of Rest

Posted on December 12, 2011 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Kit at breakfast -- the morning after the marathon

Good Afternoon, God!

I was way too relaxed to try to write this morning. Relaxed, thankful and perhaps a tad depleted. Also, not willing to tussle with online network problems at the hotel. Funny, God, how cheap hotels provide free wifi — while slightly more upscale hotels charge or, as in this case, fail to provide it at all. Yes, God. You are right. I am still huffy. Sigh. Our daughter Sandy — who came out from Tucson to watch her dad run — has told me to “Let it GO!”

As is often the case, we dislike most in others qualities that we ourselves have. Going “on and on” is surely what I have been doing. Hmmm. A failure to forgive petty matters doesn’t bode will for forgiving larger matters.

Rats! It is always disconcerting to catch a glimpse of myself when I am not “smiling at the camera,” so to speak. Devastating might be a better word — in fact, that is probably the appropriate response. The experience is rather like trying on clothes in a store in front of a three-way mirror — which I happened to do today.

Unfortunately, my Inner Editor does an amazing job of deleting Moments of Awareness from my memory. I guess, God, this is where doing the Prayer of Examine — AND keeping a nightly Examine Journal would be helpful. Of course, I would have to reread it. Ugh!

Tagged with: a moment with God, depleted and grumpy, the prayer of examine
Posted in days of rest as conservation days?, Prayer, seeing, self care as self compassion and humility

MARATHON DAY

Posted on December 11, 2011 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Kit coming down the home stretch to the finish line

Good Morning, God!

Our prayers have been answered! Praise You! Kit is alive and well and, although we heard a few ambulance sirens, the rest of the runners are fine. Well, there are still folks coming in. Some of them will need prayers for “recovery.” But all is well.

Kit felt strong all the way through. In fact, he had negative splits, with the second half faster than the first half. His 4 hour and 44 minute time got him second place in his age group.

Meanwhile, God, I have determined that I kind of need my own “support” staff to help me as I “support” Kit. Sandy was a true “Godsend!” She was such a help and comfort the whole time. But, especially, God, as we wondered why we hadn’t seen Kit at mile four at the time we expected. (It took him 7 minutes to get to the Start and we were well past the four mile marker.) There just seemed like a lot more stress this year.

No doubt our “doing” the inspirational talks at the Pasta dinner the night before added to the stress. That went very well with Kit speaking first, Sandy was second, I went third and Kit finished up by telling about the book Mango Days and offering to give a book to anyone who asked.

Sandy’s talk was very moving, God. She really spoke from her heart and I was / am so proud of her! Our message was basically that when horrible things happen — like losing a daughter or sister — the question is, WHAT CAN WE DO TO REDEEM THIS?

The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program makes it possible to remember loved ones or honor loved ones while raising money to help fund research. This provides meaningful outlets for people who are in the basically powerless situation of being with beloved family and friends suffering through illnesses. We need more opportunities like that, God!

Posted in grit, Marathons, Meaning