Kit flies off to give Focused Positive Attention to our Daughters

Posted on February 16, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

My Wonderful Husband, Kit, flies off to visit our daughters

Good Day, God!

I am Missing Kit already! Yes, God, it was my idea that Kit should go and visit our daughters by himself.

The reason is this: Kit is a wonderful dad, but he is not the chatty extrovert that I seem to be. So, most naturally, when we visit he delegates most of the conversational activities to me. But, our daughters love him and want some one-on-one time. And our grandsons want to know him better too. So, I’m staying home.

Attention — focused positive attention — what could be more needed in this world! It isn’t just wives and daughters that value focused positive attention. We all do. Seeing people, acknowledging that you see them. Offering a smile or a word — learning and using their names — all of this makes a powerful positive difference in our relationships — and in our emotional health.

The other day I was shopping at Foodland. I’ve discovered they carry “local” meats. And now that the butcher has explained to me that local meats are packed in yellow trays (mainland meats are in black trays), I love buying meat there. Anyway, when I was checking out I noticed that they had $5.00 coupons you could buy to help a student. Why not? I thought. And I pulled one off and handed it to the checker. She beamed at me and showed me the list of high schools my $5.00 contribution could go to. Such a long list per island. But, there was just one high school on Molokai! So that’s what I picked.

Well, God, the smile and warm approval that flowed out from the checker was amazing! It was a beautiful example of focused positive attention! What I received was worth far more than $5.00. And it hit me — organic vegetable may be good for our health — but giving (money AND attention) is even better for our health!

Tagged with: fathers and daughters, focused positive attention, one on one time, relationships, stepping back out of the way
Posted in acknowledging another's existence, appreciation, health, relationships

A walk in Downtown Honolulu

Posted on February 15, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Dillingham Transportation entrance doorway -- taken from the elevator

Good Day, God!

Twice a year or so I go downtown to see my dentist. He’s in the Dillingham Transportation Building — a glorious old building, built in the days of Hawaii’s historic Big Five corporations.

It’s one block makai (toward the ocean) of the Alexander & Baldwin Building — the only Big Five company that didn’t overextend itself and remained independent. The old C. Brewer Building, in that same block, now houses the University of Phoenix. Sigh.

Basically I just walk down the last block of Queen Street. But on the way I see the waterfront, Aloha Tower, Fort Street Mall and a couple of plazas like the one below.

Looking out the window in the women's restroom in the Dillingham building

This small corner of Honolulu is one of my favorites. Perhaps the plazas are more valuable because of being surrounded by so many buildings? In any case, the walk makes going to the dentist a pleasure, God.

Hmm. I’m pretty sure that I enjoy going to the dentist more than I used to because I am now addicted to flossing.

I’m smiling at myself, God. I tend toward abstract thinking and it is rather lowering to realize that my quality of life rests rather heavily on very small micro habits — like flossing. Like putting things away — right away. Like writing a quick note when I think of it. David Allen talks about just doing two minute tasks, not scheduling them.

Dang! It just hit me, God, that in order to acquire new micro habits — like putting my fork down between bites — I have to respect and value them! My life is a mosaic of very tiny choices. It only takes 5 seconds to take a photo. Maybe not even that long to make a choice. Ah, but, God, please help me convert small choices into healthy habits!

An architectural waterfall seen as I reach my parking garage

Tagged with: David Allen, Dillingham Transportation building, flossing, micro habits, putting things away
Posted in choices, compassion to care for myself, Habits, walking not running

A shift in perspective — further adventures in Differences

Posted on February 14, 2012 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

looking over the marina and up our valley

Good Day, God!

My husband, Kit, and I had a relaxed lunch at the marina in Hawaii Kai. I’m not much of a picnic person but I love eating outside.

And I like looking up at the Hahaione Valley where we live. Seeing our “home” from a different perspective helps me understand more about our setting, our context.

This weekend I got to “see” myself from the perspective of a delightful houseguest from California. I was sitting with her at breakfast and extolling the benefits of omega 3 fats — as I am want to do. Explaining that our bodies have only so many enzymes available at any one time to digest fats. If we load our plate — or salad bowl — with omega 6 fats (all vegetable oils except olive and coconut), then taking an omega 3 pill afterwards might be too little and too late.

Then I offered — well urged — her to have a wee taste of peach flavored cod-liver oil. Oh DEAR! Only her excellent manners kept the oil from being spat out on the table! I felt awful! I had caused my friend a “food trauma.”

But because of that trauma I have dramatically remapped one quadrant of how humans differ. I had no place on my mental map for Super Tasters. I sort of understood some folks had a great sense of smell or a superior palate. But, I had totally missed the intensity of the taste experience!

I just didn’t get it, God! Then, to drive the point home — this afternoon I took a Highly Sensitive Person self test. I scored 3 or maybe 4 out of 27. A good friend scored 23 out of 27. Yikes! Once again, I had only a cognitive awareness of what it meant to be a Highly Sensitive Person. Reading through the list was daunting! Please, God, help us to feel just how widely we differ.

Please give us both deeper awareness and greater compassion for one another, God.

Tagged with: diversity, Highly Sensitive People, individual differences, perspective, Super Tasters
Posted in Diversity, Expand my Heart, Perspective, Understanding, Vantage Points

Going Slow enough to Stop

Posted on February 13, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Gold Tree in almost full bloom

Good Day, God!

Almost everyday I’ve pulled over to the side of the road just behind this gold tree to take a photo. I think this consistency may have something to do with having less to do.

In the past I might have stopped once or maybe twice during the “season” to capture photos. But, this February, thanks to my second “retirement,” I am not rushing. I have time to stop and gaze at the tree — then take a few photos.

Thank You, God! It really feels good to be in a more relaxed rhythm. Another noticeable difference this year is that I have been consistently working (daily) on learning to pronounce basic French words which our daughter Suzanne recorded for me over her Christmas visit.

a waterfall at my mom's retirement residence

When it comes to phonics — in any language — I can only be described as handicapped. So, working at this for 10 to 20 minutes every day is very satisfying. My goal is to keep on in the face of very little progress. I guess the goal isn’t so much learning the French words as it is developing a willingness to do at all what I do so badly.

It is so easy just to do what we are relatively good at. But that doesn’t grow new brain cells. Learning — focused, concentrated learning — is what helps keep our brain in shape.

And maybe — as water slowly wears away stone — maybe I will learn how to properly pronounce French words . . . maybe. But, if so, that will be simply a by-product of my learning to work at learning.

Tagged with: a relaxed rhythm, fruits of a second retirement, Gold Trees, learning to work at learning, stopping
Posted in learning, relaxation, stopping, time, Trees

Dining Out with a Side of Thoughts-on-Changing

Posted on February 12, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Looking in the window of the Thai Valley Cuisine

Good Day, God!

My husband Kit and I just got back from an early dinner at the Thai Valley Cuisine restaurant. It’s located in Kalama Valley — just past the back of Koko Crater.

We’d been going there for years when the cook bought out the other owner. She sold the liquor license and added lace curtains, table clothes and cloth napkins — pink napkins at that. Oh, and people now are free to bring in their own beer and wine. And guess what: With these changes, business picked up!

As I was eating — too fast — I thought of the lovely article on Mindful Eating that I read the other day and all the wonderful responses to it. It is a Meditation Practice — a way to slow down and practice focusing attention. It’s an excellent idea. So is the idea of eating until I’m only 80% full — or chewing 25 times before swallowing. Actually, if I could just put down my fork between bites I would be thrilled.

Hmm. When I put my fork down between every bite I will be very proud of myself. Yes, God, thank You! It is hard enough to change without staying stuck in a Fixed Mindset. Carol Dweck’s book Mindset is so encouraging, but, I have to remember that I can choose a Growth Mindset!

I guess change is mostly a matter of making continuous small choices. Conscious choices. Deliberate small choices — until they morph into habits. Sigh, I hear our daughter Suzy’s voice in my mind saying, Sit up Straight, Mom. Maybe I need a piece of tape on my back, God. Is that cheating?

But, as I watch myself flit from eating mindfully to sitting up straight I realize that it has to be One Small Change Project at a time. Or at least no more than fit comfortably on the Goal Master app on my iPad. Mostly, though, God, I need a big helping of Hope from You!

Tagged with: Carol Dweck, conscious choices, focusing our attention, Growth Mindset, Mindful Eating
Posted in Changing, Eating for health, Habits, hope, Hope as a gift from God, self care as self compassion and humility

Giant Drill Bits and Hearts of Stone

Posted on February 11, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A giant drill machine breaks through the final section of the NEAT Gotthard Base Tunnel

Good Day, God!

Apparently sometime in 2016 a 35 mile train tunnel through the Alps will be open. Actually, it will be two tunnels “joined” every 1,066 feet. And trains can swap tunnels at two “multifunction stations (MFS)”

That makes me feel a bit less claustrophobic about the idea of traveling through those tunnels, God. Although, if the trains are traveling at 155 miles per hour they are only in the tunnel for 15 minutes or so.

The MFS Faido of Gotthard Base Tunnel; photo by Cooper.ch

I had seen the photo of the drill in an email and it had lodged itself in my mind. The size is certainly impressive. And I can grasp what’s happening. Civil engineering seems easier to follow than lots of other endeavors.

But, part of the fascination is fear- based. I don’t like caverns and tunnels and being away from the bright blue sky. I can feel my lungs “constricting,” God.

Then, too, looking at the huge drill bit brought up thoughts of our Hearts of Stone. Ezekiel 36:26 says: “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” (New Living Translation.)

Sigh. Our human hearts do Stone Up over the years. We want so badly to protect ourselves. And turning our hearts into stone seems like a good idea. But, it isolates us. Disconnects us. Hmm. If our future is bound up in Connections . . . then maybe we should pay more attention to what serves to Disconnect.

Humanly speaking, it would take the equivalent of that huge drill bit to break through our Hearts of Stone. But, with You, God, all things are possible. Please, give each of us “a tender, responsive heart.”

Tagged with: Giant drill bits, Hearts of Stone, NEAT Gotthhard Base Tunnel, tunnels under the Alps
Posted in connecting, connections, Hearts

Sitting (right now) off the beaten path

Posted on February 9, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

My Centering Prayer Chair

Good Day, God!

I was sitting in this chair this morning after praying, looking up at the palm branches and feeling thankful. I love palms. I love sitting under the palm branches. And this morning I was enjoying how relaxed I felt.

Doing less feels so comfortable, God, so right! I am now beginning to understand viscerally what Dr. Arch Hart said about how “BUSY builds a WALL around our brain’s Pleasure Center.” Busy leads slowly but surely to Anhedonia — the inability to experience pleasure. Yes, we CAN have too much fun. I marvel that more people aren’t on antidepressants.

BUSY has become the new “High Status” thing to be. Busy is everything our conscious minds love. Busy provides meaning, and a sense that we matter. Busy keeps us occupied and distracted and maybe even high on adrenaline. Busy is incredibly addictive.

The really good news is that our bodies and brains can heal and repair most of the damage. Ah, but God, first people have to stop! And stopping is really difficult. I got angry at family and friends who even suggested I might be too busy. I was really resistant!

I certainly didn’t think about retiring when I left in May for a ten day silent retreat at Snowmass. But, when the retreat was over I KNEW I had to retire. Even then, I thought maybe I’d stop working in a year or so. But, I was through by the end of August. Still, I managed to keep myself busy until . . . maybe last month?

Busy for me is like the Bottle to the alcoholic. Always lurking. Always tempting. I am doing pretty well now. But, I’m glad I’m coming nose to nose with this problem. Please keep me humble . . . keep me real!

Tagged with: anhedonia, busy, Dr. Arch Hart
Posted in Balancing and adjustments, busy, busy as an attack strategy, compassion to care for myself, humility

Enlarging our View — Life as Meaningful

Posted on February 8, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

a composite image of Our World

Good Day, God!

I realized this morning that the Gift of Laughter is back in my life. Hope is back, too. I hadn’t even known those two were gone.

They were missing — along with due dates of library books and waterings of my beloved anthuriums down in our car port. Not thought of. Not missed. It is kind of scary, God, the number of things that go AWOL when we are sick.

Aaron Antonovsky just popped into my mind, God! I can still remember a newspaper article in which he talked about how almost all of our “health” efforts went into pulling people out of the River of illness. Why, he asked, weren’t we looking upstream to see why they were falling in?

What a great question, God! And not one that seems to interest us. Prevention, such as it is, seems to be limited to “don’t smoke,” eat less, eat right, and exercise more. Although now there is a growing awareness that good social support helps our health.

Antonovsky was a medical sociologist who was interested in how people’s Generalized Resistance Resources (GRRs) such as money, ego-strength and social support helped them deal with the stressors of life. By ego-strength, I think Antonovsky was referring to people’s “sense of coherence” about life. Coherence involves three beliefs about our life. 1) Comprehensibility 2) Manageability and the most important one, 3) Meaningfulness.

That last one really resonates with me, God! I remember when our daughter Patty was terminally ill. I said to her doctor at Stanford that the real battle wasn’t between Life and Death — but between Meaning and Meaninglessness. The Wikipedia article on Salutogenesis (a term coined by Antonovsky) defines Meaningfulness as “a belief that things in life are interesting and a source of satisfaction, that things are really worth it and that there is good reason or purpose to care about what happens.”

Perhaps those beliefs are as much the result of Good Health as they are protectors of Good Health. In any case, I’m glad to be well again, God!

Tagged with: a sense of coherence, Aaron Antonovsky, comprehensibility, manageability, meaningfulness, salutogenesis
Posted in friends, health, Hope as a gift from God, learning

Looking back on a Good Day

Posted on February 7, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

a photo of me in which I look oddly elf-like -- to me anyway

Good Day, God!

A good good day for which I am thankful! And what could be more fun than to have a photo taken of me last night — that mostly doesn’t look like me! I’m enjoying pretending that I might look like this. I love it.

One excellent result that comes out of being sick is that one realizes (eventually . . .) that many of our “virtues” have more to do with the level of our energy than with our character. This is a truly humbling realization.

The Shack on Koko Marina -- looking up from the dock

Yes, God. Yes, I have had this realization before. But I keep repressing it. Mostly, I have a fairly high energy level . . . which leads me to imagine myself as virtuous. A virtuous elf? Such an imagination.

Another reason for this being a good day is that I cut my jewelry class. This might not seem like a plus — but I don’t believe in all my years of schooling that I ever cut a class. I was compulsive! Even when I clearly should have joined my college roommate for lunch with her parents . . . I went to class. So, for me to decide I wasn’t quite up to a three hour jewelry class this morning was an accomplishment! And so was emptying dresser drawers (3 of them) and sorting through them — and not putting everything back in!

Such small and simple accomplishments, God. But, I feel good about them and I take that fact as a sign of my ongoing recovery from chronic overload. Thank You, God! Thank You so very much!