Morning Light and Love

Posted on August 18, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Morning light over Waikiki from Magic Island

Good Evening, God,

It’s been a long time between my posts . . . time is in a bit of a tangle right now. Or maybe I’m the one who is in a tangle?

Actually, I’m sure I’m just more aware of Being a Tangle. My 98-1/2-year-old mommy is in hospice . . . into her second month. She stabilizes and then drops down a bit and stabilizes again.

She has a lot of grit, God.

Meanwhile, back in Ordinary Time, I just discovered I have seven overdue library books — all unread. Most were due the day our daughter Sandy returned to Tucson after an 11-day visit.

On the Upside: Today I unloaded and put away the last of the bags we had filled with stuff for our townhouse building’s termite fumigation. Also, I have given two of the four classes on Forgiving I am leading in an evening series at Church.

The timing of that class couldn’t have been better for me, God. I have discovered that no matter how good a daughter one imagines oneself to be, one is never “good enough.” I’m not so much bothered by sins of Commission. It’s the infinite array of Omissions that nag at me.

And so I have been trying to be a Good, Forgiving Mother to myself. My mother was excellent at forgiving . . . not just forgiving but loving and appreciating. And You are too, God, amazingly so!

I read the story of the Prodigal Son in last week’s forgiveness class and I saw — for the first time — that the Father had not one word of blame for his returning son. The Father didn’t even correct his older (and begrudging ) son. It was all about the joy of the prodigal’s return. The joy of the re-connection.

Perhaps, God, we ALL are either ungrateful prodigals or judgmental older children. I think I (frequently!) have been both. But we are forgiven! Because of Your Love we are New Every Morning. Thank you God!

Tagged with: Emotional Tangles, Parable of the Prodigal Son, Sorting out our feelings
Posted in connecting, daughters, Forgiven!, Mothers

Inner Sunsets and Twilight Times

Posted on August 9, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

dining outside at the Shack at twilight

Good Morning, God!

This is twilight time for my 98-1/2-year-old mother . . . who slips further away from me . . . day by day. The current between us is so strong, God, that for a while I felt I might go out to “sea” with her. But the pull is fading.

After two of today’s appointments got cancelled, I looked forward to sleeping in. But, during the night You brought 2 Corinthians 5:17-20 to mind:

¹⁷This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

¹⁸And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. ¹⁹For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. ²⁰So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” (NLT)

Last night, as this great gift of forgiveness poured through me, I felt refreshed. Perhaps being half asleep made it easier for my deep inner unconscious to hear Your Words of forgiveness — Your Words of New Life and New Beginnings. How wonderful to re-receive them just now when I need them so badly.

I got up and made a note to add that verse to forgiveness class I will be leading next week. Then I went back to sleep. Waking early, I read aloud the handout on what we need to do to prepare for the upcoming, building-wide fumigation this Monday. My loving husband, Kit was my audience.

Now our wonderful daughter Sandy (who returns home to Tucson Saturday evening) and I are off to see my mom. We plan to be there at lunch time. Feeding a loved one — young or old — is so satisfying.

Tagged with: forgiveness, New Beginnings, New Life, Second Epistle to the Corinthians
Posted in connections, Good News!, Grief, LOVE, Mothers

The physicality of grief

Posted on July 21, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

looking up through a royal poinciana tree

Good Day, God!

I didn’t expect this grief over my mother to be so physical, God. Oh my Foolish Mind . . . my Foolish Conscious Mind. Apparently, I was thinking that I had had lots of time to prepare for my mommy’s upcoming death at 98. (She now is in hospice care.) I guess I was thinking that, by now, I was old enough to become an “orphan.”

But I am not ready. Part of me is wanting to rend my clothes and pour ashes on my head. (Sheesh, they really knew how to grieve in those old days, God!)

My Grief for our daughter Patty, who died at 18, was expected. Expected and understood. But, since my Mom is 98 . . . I just didn’t understand. I’m not sure our society or our scientists understand the Physical Cellular Connection between Momthers and Daughters. We share mitochondria. We share the deepest possible physical connection.

Gosh, God, this is hard for me to share. I’ve been raised to avoid feeling sorry for myself. No self-pity! Stiff upper lip! Keep on going! Do your Duty! NO SNIVELING!

As if that weren’t bad enough, I’m a biological optimist. I naturally look on the Bright Side.

But, God, my Grief for my mommy needs to be heard . . . and respected . . . and honored.

Sigh. Please, God, help me turn from my old way of living . . . my old “warrior” cultural patterns of repressing grief and sorrow. Help me to respect the deep dark underground emotional wellsprings inside me. Help me respect and honor Sorrow as well as Joy. After all, God, Your Commandment in Romans 12:15 tells us to Weep with those who Weep and Rejoice with those who Rejoice.

Let me begin by keeping compassionate company with myself as I mourn.

Tagged with: grief, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Mother Daughter Connection, mothers, Respecting the Grieving Experience
Posted in connecting, Families, Feeling our feelings, Grief, hearing myself, Mothers

Mommies and Babies — and Saying Goodbye

Posted on July 16, 2013 by a moment with god — 4 Comments

Mommy Monk Seal and Baby on the Ka’iwi shore

Good Evening, God!

I identify with this Baby Monk Seal, God. She is crying for her mommy to wake up. The mother, Irma, will stay with her for six weeks . . . feeding her and teaching her to swim and fish. Then the mother will have to leave. She will not have eaten for six weeks. Leaving is part of Your Plan, God.

Is there EVER a good time for a Mother to go? I think not, God. My mother is 98 1/2, in hospice care, and I am suffering. It’s true that I still have Mom for a brief time more, visiting when I can. Today she blew kisses at me as I left. That felt good.

I don’t go to see her more than once or twice a day. Part of me was wishing that we had hospice at home so I could see her more often. But, a dear friend, who did that for her mother, said — Oh NO! — that I made the right decision! Actually, it was the only decision that looked doable.

I have been taken by surprise at the grief flowing through me. It’s very primal, God. I guess grief always is. But because my husband Kit and I had been “assisting” mom daily the last few years, playing games and talking — part of me sees her as my baby. So it’s a sort of double whammy. The strength of these Grief Currents is amazing. Walking this path with my mom feels almost perilous — as if I too might be swept into the River Styx.

Still, I am thankful for the power of this mother/daughter connection. Thankful for a Mommy I hate to let go. And what our daughter Suzy said is true: “Mom, as Deaths go, this sounds about as good as it gets!”

Tagged with: family, grief, Hospice, Mother, Mother daughter bond
Posted in connecting, Grief, LOVE, Our Extended Family - all creatures great and small, Perspective

My Inner Unforgiving, Wilderness

Posted on July 13, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

An old photo of my neighborhood wilderness area

Good Evening, God!

Next month I’m giving four “class” sessions on Forgiving. And I must say I’m already being sensitized. Last month I began to notice un-forgiveness in myself.

Several months ago my favorite neighborhood wilderness area was destroyed — ironically by a conservation group. My dearly beloved algeroba trees (kiawe in Hawaiian) were suddenly cut down. I understood in theory it might be best to have indigenous trees, but in practice I was sad. Yes, God, I was also angry and resentful.

A week after starting work on my Forgiveness Class I walked by the former site of the kiawe trees and realized my Upset Feeling meant that I hadn’t forgiven the group doing this.

Yikes! It’s one thing to be upset. It’s another thing to harbor an Unforgiving Spirit. That seemed much more serious. So I started easing up on my regret and resentment.

Then just this morning I noticed folks working on the area and I struck up a conversation with a woman named Elizabeth.
I told her I was sad about losing the kiawe.

A brand new sign about the endangered Alae’ula bird.

She nodded sympathetically. Then she said that the kiawetrees were sucking up water from the spring feeding the wetlands. And the endangered alae’ula (Hawaiian mud hen) needed the water.

Ah! So, there was a Real Reason for cutting down these kiawe trees. Well, at least a reason I could understand. My “upset” drained away. My Unforgiving Spirit dissipated. And I cheerfully exchanged email addresses with Elizabeth.

Yes, God. It is not lost on me that there are many, many explanations I will never get to hear — and about many, many things. Please God, help me Open my Heart and my Mind to the existence of unknown explanations.

Please Open my Heart and Open my Mind to YOU!

Tagged with: An Unforgiving Spirit, Explanations, forgiving, resentments
Posted in awareness, complexity, connections, Forgiving, humility

Sunsets Coming

Posted on July 10, 2013 by a moment with god — 4 Comments

Sunset looking over the Hawaii Kai Marina at dinner last night

Good Afternoon, God!

I’m trying to go slow these days . . . slow because I’m tired . . . tired deep inside. Well, OK, not just tired. I have also been grumpy and irritable.

In fact, on my drive home yesterday, You brought to my attention that I have been way too cross with my wonderful husband Kit. Worse, I’ve failed to lavish on him the appreciation he deserves for being so good to my Mom all these years — especially the last nine years when he has helped in so many ways.

So, I came home and hugged Kit and appreciated him . . . and told him I would take him out for dinner — my treat.

Kit, with Scottish and New England roots, said he had a discount coupon for the local Yummy Korean Barbecue. So, with takeout food in cartons, we found a private outdoor table. As advertised, the food was yummy and the venue fantastic.

Kit and I eating outside by the marina

My Mom, now in hospice care, is mostly sleeping. But she has told me always to wake her up when I visit. When I do, we talk and squeeze each other’s hands. I don’t stay long. I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to tire her . . .

What I am realizing — more and more — is how precious family and friends are. I need to be with them. I need them. I may need them more than most people do because I am an extrovert. But, in addition, I am feeling more and more a part of The Web of Life. More than ever I sense that it extends further and deeper than we humans can begin to imagine.

Thank You, God for Times of Twilight . . . Times of Love.

Tagged with: dying, family, life, mothers, sunsets
Posted in connecting, LOVE, Mothers, web of life

Mom’s Faithful Watch-cat

Posted on July 6, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Katrina, Mom’s faithful watch cat on the bed with Mom before Mom went to the ER

Good Day, God!

When my brother Dave flew in from California and went to see our mom in the hospital, she looked up at him, said “Hi” and then said, “Where’s my Cat? Can you bring her to me?”

My brother said that he couldn’t bring a cat into the hospital. Our mother said, “WHY NOT?” Dave explained that hospitals are for people, not cats. There was a short silence, then mom said: “Do they allow dogs?”

In recounting this to the nurse she said that they used to allow dogs to visit. We both said, “Please don’t tell Mom!”

Later my brother and I were talking about the growing presence of Service Dogs and I laughed and said that maybe we could make mom’s cat a small jacket that said “Service Cat.” Then we both roared. We love cats. But they are not Service Animals. Besides, as Dave added: We could never get a Service Cat jacket ON her.

In fact, we are cats’ Service Humans.

All that said, God, my mom’s cat, Katrina, has been a faithful companion. When mom goes to bed the cat jumps up to join her. And for some time the cat was trying to let me know that “something isn’t right” here. Sigh. We both knew that. But, I sure didn’t know what to do about it.

A few days ago a dear friend, Lois, came to help move out furniture and instantly bonded with Katrina. She told the cat, “You can come and live with me!” Dave said, “In the interest of full-disclosure I have to tell you that Katrina does not purr.” I laughed and said “Neither does Lois!” So, Katrina will be going to a Service Human who also has a Heart of Gold with a No Purr Exterior.

Thank you, God, for our dear families and friends — human and otherwise.

Tagged with: Cat, no-purr exteriors, Purr, Service animal
Posted in Caring, connecting, Mothers, web of life

Transitioning — A long Gentle Slope

Posted on July 2, 2013 by a moment with god — 3 Comments

Shower tree blossoms

Good Morning, God!

My Mother is transitioning out of Queens Hospital and into Hospice care. She will be continuing the long slow slide into Your Loving Arms. I’ve been transitioning, too . . . from daughter to both daughter/mother and then on to mostly being my mother’s mother. I am weeping inside. Or should I say my little inside-daughter is grieving the loss of her mother. My Outside is doing OK — so far.

My brother called on Thursday to say he was coming over from California. I didn’t know how badly I wanted him to come until he said he was coming. He arrived Friday and I am So Thankful!

I knew I had to take my mom into the Queen’s Emergency Room on Tuesday morning a week ago — not just because she was too weak to move well but because when I asked her if she wanted to rest or go to the ER, she said: “Just do what you think best.” My mom was raised a Christian Scientist and aside from her experimental treatment for breast cancer after her mastectomy back when she was in her 60s, she normally avoids doctors — and ERs.

Upon her arrival at the ER they found that Mom had a bladder infection and aortic stenosis . . . and I think maybe a small stroke. But, as the doctor told us yesterday, medically speaking — right now — nothing is wrong.

Mom isn’t in pain. And there is no real medical problem. WOW! At any age, that is a BLESSING but especially so at 98 1/2 Thank You, God! Thank You for such a wonderful mother . . . and such a good brother!

Tagged with: Grieving, Hospice, mothers and daughters, Queens Hospital, Transitioning
Posted in connecting, gratitude

Why Women Live Longer

Posted on June 24, 2013 by a moment with god — 3 Comments

My Mother, Marjorie the First, at 93 in 2007

Good Evening, God

My day got off to a delightful start when my loving husband brought me not just coffee in bed but an article printed from NPR’s website — Why Men Die Younger Than Women: The ‘Guys are Fragile’ Thesis.

Needless to say, God, I had my own ideas on why men die younger: “You guys don’t have real friends! You don’t talk to other guys about how you feel — about your sorrows and fears. You have no Social Support Group! Of course you die younger!”

Kit didn’t really argue.

But as the day has gone on I’ve had two more ideas. One was from a man who pointed out that women are designed to have babies and therefore have to be built a bit sturdier. I like that!

The third idea is one I came across years ago. It’s about the evolutionary advantage of having women live longer. The first woman to live past child-bearing years became The First Grandmother! Scientific studies have verified that having a grandmother increases a child’s chances of surviving . . . and thriving. So women who lived longer had more surviving grandchildren and maybe great-grandchildren — and passed on their good genes more successfully.

Alas, having a grandfather doesn’t seem to make a statistically significant difference in a child’s well being. Hmm.

Thankfully, God, I’m pretty sure Kit isn’t fragile. And I am praying that he will keep on running marathons, and keep on taking good care of me, and his daughters and his grandsons, for many more years. Thank You!

Tagged with: Grandmother, Men, NPR, People, Pregnancy, Social support, Women
Posted in connecting, Families, health, Marathons, people as gifts

An Oblique Look at . . .

Posted on June 23, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The sculpture workroom at the Tate in St. Ives, England

Good Evening God!

It’s funny how a photo will take us back in time. The year was 2004 and my husband Kit and I had gone to England for him to run the London Marathon. Afterward, we traveled to Land’s End with our son-in-law, Dave and his dad, Frank, both U.K. natives. I forget just why it was that Dave came to be visiting his folks in Liverpool.

Here, we were all at the Tate museum in St. Ives, and it was a grey, damp day. We’d done the galleries and were out in the garden when I looked through the window and snapped this photo.

In looking more closely, I see in the workroom mirror a reflection of my husband Kit, who was standing next to me.

So, as I sit here in Honolulu going through old photographs, my thoughts return to Land’s End. Remembering the walk along the top of the cliffs overlooking the ocean. Remembering meals shared with Dave and Frank. Remembering Kit’s distress in scraping our rental car’s right front fender. And remembering a spat he and I had over dinner that night. Easy to smile now — albeit ruefully.

The mirror in the workroom at the Tate in St. Ives, England

I’m thankful, God, for this mini trip back in my memory. It makes me think I want to do more “remembering.” Sharing more of our past with Kit is something I look forward to.

I’d best get the photos ready so we can start remembering from a common point. Both Kit and I differ so — on what we notice and what we file. I often joke that we walk hand in hand through separate universes.

We all have our individual oblique views of the world, don’t we God.