looking up through a royal poinciana tree
Good Day, God!
I didn’t expect this grief over my mother to be so physical, God. Oh my Foolish Mind . . . my Foolish Conscious Mind. Apparently, I was thinking that I had had lots of time to prepare for my mommy’s upcoming death at 98. (She now is in hospice care.) I guess I was thinking that, by now, I was old enough to become an “orphan.”
But I am not ready. Part of me is wanting to rend my clothes and pour ashes on my head. (Sheesh, they really knew how to grieve in those old days, God!)
My Grief for our daughter Patty, who died at 18, was expected. Expected and understood. But, since my Mom is 98 . . . I just didn’t understand. I’m not sure our society or our scientists understand the Physical Cellular Connection between Momthers and Daughters. We share mitochondria. We share the deepest possible physical connection.
Gosh, God, this is hard for me to share. I’ve been raised to avoid feeling sorry for myself. No self-pity! Stiff upper lip! Keep on going! Do your Duty! NO SNIVELING!
As if that weren’t bad enough, I’m a biological optimist. I naturally look on the Bright Side.
But, God, my Grief for my mommy needs to be heard . . . and respected . . . and honored.
Sigh. Please, God, help me turn from my old way of living . . . my old “warrior” cultural patterns of repressing grief and sorrow. Help me to respect the deep dark underground emotional wellsprings inside me. Help me respect and honor Sorrow as well as Joy. After all, God, Your Commandment in Romans 12:15 tells us to Weep with those who Weep and Rejoice with those who Rejoice.
Let me begin by keeping compassionate company with myself as I mourn.
Story teller,
Leave a Reply