Wanting Transparency — But First, Comes Compassion

Posted on June 5, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A Hou Tree blossom on a tree in a nursery at the back of Waimanalo

Good Day, God!

Transparency is such an appealing quality — in flowers and in friends. Hmm. It comes to me God, that I would like to be more transparent with myself. As I say that I’m thinking back to my recent visit with Oldest Daughter, Suzanne.

She said to me one afternoon, “Mom! You are feeling sorry for yourself. Just tell me what you want!”

I confess, God, I wasn’t aware of feeling sorry for myself. Sigh. I don’t like self pity, and so I simply kept myself from noticing that I was engaging in it. How foolish. I’m pretty sure that I turn a Blind Eye on most of my faults. Dang!

Did You just point out the Feelings are not Faults? And that instead of saying Self-Pity I could have said Sad . . . or maybe Conflicted? Yes, God, I was definitely JUDGING my feelings. No wonder I didn’t want to look at them! Labeling some feelings as Bad sure does push them down below consciousness.

How Harsh! And, worse yet, how very Counter Productive! When Suzy observed that I was feeling sorry for myself — I checked and found, sure enough I was! The why wasn’t all that hard. Suz had asked me to change her light bulbs before they burned out. And I was conflicted. I love helping my daughters. But, I really didn’t feel up to teetering on the top of a ladder to change the light bulbs.

When I found that “knot” in my feelings and shared it — transparently — Suz quickly said, “Mom you don’t have to do that!” How easy was that!

Ah, but it is only easy if I ease up on myself . . . compassion is more permeable that judgment.

Tagged with: accepting our feelings, compassion, feelings are not faults, judging, transparency
Posted in accepting my ability to REDESIGN, adjusting, being together in a compassionate presence, blooming

Sitting and Looking at the Moon

Posted on June 4, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Almost Full Moon rising over the Hawaii Kai Marina

Good Day, God!

I think, God, that I haven’t been blogging recently because my Heart is Too Full. It can’t seem to squeeze itself into words. But, I keep forgetting. You aren’t waiting for my words . . . just my presence.

My Body understands that, God. She understand the importance of “being with” one another. A simple touch can say far more than words. And yesterday I was wise enough to tell my wonderful husband that I am going to need a lot more touches and hugs in the days to come.

So, here I sit looking at the image of that glorious moon peaking through the clouds last night. Light and Dark. Night and Day. Joy and Sorrow. The rich fabric of life.

So much of that fabric is woven by our families — and by our friends. I have no explanation as to why I have been so fortunate in both family and friends — so blessed in general. I am certain I haven’t “earned it.” If anything, I feel as if I have been “entrusted” with it. It is that old verse I learned as a child:

“Those to whom much is given, from them much is required.”

How can I “give back?” How can I “share?” Time, Money, Love, Respect, Appreciation, Gratitude, A Listening Ear, A Caring Heart. A Simple Hug. I suspect, God that money is the least of these — especially if it comes without the love.

How utterly thankful I am that You hold our World in Your Hands. And that You are Eager to Hold our hands. Thank YOU!

Tagged with: family and friends, Full Moon, giving back, the rich fabric of life
Posted in being together in a compassionate presence, Families, friends, responsibility

My Tomato Plant, My Mother and Me

Posted on June 2, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

I felt like a Walking Tomato Plant

Good Day, God!

While visiting our daughter Sandy in Arizona, I was captivated by her cherry tomato plants — growing in pots! I had no idea you could grow them in a pot. The tomato plants were almost as tall as I am and were loaded with tomatoes.

So, God, back in Hawaii, I determined to look for a tomato plant at the Farmers’ Market this morning.

I was imagining buying a small plant. It never occurred to me that I could buy a plant already bearing tomatoes! But, there it was! Only $20 and it was MINE!

Of course, I had to carry it to the car. Peering between the branches I slowly wended my way through the crowds. Talk about limited peripheral vision! But, only one small bump with another shopper.

There is something very life affirming about growing our own food. I need “life affirming” activities right now, God. My 97-year-old mother is talking about death a lot more these days. And that’s hard for me. She is still doing well enough to beat me at Scrabble this afternoon. But I can feel the “Loss” creeping closer.

I used to tell her she couldn’t die because I’m too young to be an orphan! Ah, God. The days and years are long past when I ought to have been an orphan.

I have been given a gift of years, but my eyes are still filling with tears.

Tagged with: life affirming, loss, mothers, tomato plants
Posted in growing toward up, inner paths of the heart, Mothers, simple joys of daily life

Starting a New Day and a New Life

Posted on May 31, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Marina on this morning’s walk

Good Day, God!

People asked us on our recent travels, “Why did you leave home?” The message was clear. Why leave Hawaii? Why indeed!

Actually, I am not the traveler in our family. I travel to see our daughters and grandsons. Kit is the one who prompts all our other trips. I go . . . and I enjoy. It is my nature to enjoy.

Alas, that gift — if not balanced by a certain awareness of imperfections — leads me to slip into complacency. And therein lies the benefit of Travel for me, God. I come home and actually see: my office, our home, my varied piles of decisions still undecided. Yikes!

The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal

In a way, returning home after time away is like beginning a New Year. There is an Open Space wanting to be filled with New Resolutions. Oh, the Joy of New Resolutions to those of us who are biological optimists! Past failures are merely prelude to upcoming successes. Ah, no matter that my rational mind demurs. Hope Billows Up!

So, in that vein, I am starting The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It, by Kelly McGonigal. I think this is the THIRD book on Willpower that I have bought, and by now I have a few facts in hand. For example, I know that we need to do more than just try to STOP a habit. We have to REPLACE it with something else . . . hopefully more beneficial. And I have also learned just how essential it is to ferret out the very beginning point or urge before the action.

Still, God, what I need are proven strategies! And this is what Kelly McGonigal promises — all tested by her hundreds of students in her classes. And guess what the first exercise she recommended, God? Meditating or (for me) Centering Prayer — as an exercise in Awareness. How good to merge the Spiritual and the Practical, God!

Oh Joy! New Opportunities to coordinate my Will Power, my Won’t Power and my Want Power!

Tagged with: Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct, Want Power, Willpower, Won't Power
Posted in A Spiritual Spring Cleaning, Books, courage to see myself, Rethinking, self care as self compassion and humility, slow incremental change

Portrait of a Fixer

Posted on May 30, 2012 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Self portrait — of a recovering (?) Fixer

Good Day, God!

I’s so thankful I didn’t try to do a Daily Blog while I was visiting our daughters! The last few days at Sandy’s were so FULL of just “being with” and enjoying the three of them that there wasn’t much energy left over for blogging. And, that is as it should be!

This photo was taken as I finally had a chance to take Sandy out for dinner — just the two of us. We had such a good time.

It was the best visit yet with my daughters and I am beginning to understand why.

The understanding grew out of my hour long session this morning with June my Spiritual Director. I am not at all sure just how we got there but, somehow I began to “get” the difference between a Fixer and a Helper. Not just in my head — but in my gut which is still “feeling” how destructive “fixers” can be. And, Yes, God, I am deep down, still a Fixer.

VPPs (Very Proud People) love to FIX. Both the “problem” and the “solution” seem so clear. So does the shortest path to that solution. And, why wouldn’t people want to know “The Answer?” Oh MY! Such Massive Insensitivity on my part!

June gently suggested that perhaps Satan was a Fixer? I thought of the Snake in the Garden of Eden and started to laugh. Then I turned to June and HISSED and LISPED — dussst thou sshink ssso? I really “felt” how that Snake was a Fixer!

The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, is called The Helper! The Helper loves helping but only as “Invited” and then only as much as the requester is willing to receive. No pushing and no judging . . . just ever so patient LOVING.

So, as I look back on my visit with my daughters I can see that many times in the past I have acted as Fixer. This time, maybe, I spent more time as Helper. Please, God, I really want to become a only a helper!

Posted in Families, family visits, Holy Spirit

Real Time Visits

Posted on May 28, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Very small blooms on a bush in Sandy’s neighborhood

Good Morning, God!

The house is quiet. Everyone is sleeping. Except, of course, me, God. I have checked in to my flight that leaves at 1:00 pm this afternoon. And I have only a few more things to pack. I have had a wonderful time! I have been welcomed and loved and invited in — into the Fullness of Family. A Blessing!

The thing about longer visits is that the Visitor slowly gets absorbed into the reality of the Visited. And this Alternate Reality differs in Pace as well as in Place. I became aware of this yesterday, God.

I saw it as my Last Full Day and I wanted to make good use of it. Several times during the day I fell into doing — not being. This got my “pace” off. And so there were a few — very minor — “collisions” until I geared down my pace.

As Ian put it so well — he felt “pushed.” Yes, God, I do know that no one likes to be pushed. And I AM Pushy! I know this about myself. And, to be honest, God, I don’t want to lose that quality . . . but I do want to control it better.

Visitors need to match the pace of the place. And even Mothers and Grandmothers are at the same time visitors who need to respect the pace of each place visited. At Suzy’s I went a bit faster than usual. At Sandy’s I have had to go a bit slower at times. Both have been good “exercises” for me.

My Heart is Full of Love. I am so very Thankful! And now I go on to home. And I am thankful for that too.

Tagged with: a matter of pace, being pushy, family visits, the importance of pace
Posted in Families, family visits, gratitude, LOVE

Breakfast with Ian in Piazza Gavi

Posted on May 24, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Piazza Gavi in Tucson, Arizona

Good Day, God!

Here in Tucson I have been sharing my time with Sandy and the two grandsons — my son-in-law, Dave, is in Europe on business.

Yesterday, Ian and I ate breakfast here at the Piazza Gavi — a lovely restaurant not far from Sandy’s home. This is definitely a cut above the Good Egg or JeriBob’s, the site of our former breakfasts.

Today I went with Sandy to her dentist appointment — reading Uncle Tom’s Cabin while I waited. The book is Sandy’s assignment to me as part of an “upgrade” of my reading habits. I can see how influential the book must have been in the 1800’s in the fight against slavery. But, it plays well now as a story on the abuse of economic power. I’m enjoying being “upgraded.”

After the visit to the dentist — just for cleaning — Sandy and I went to Costco and loaded up on staples and a few fun foods and then came home for lunch. We are both doing without carbs and focusing on eating “right.” It’s such fun to share — even ordinary things — with daughters!

Looking out the door of Piazza Gavi

Then, while Sandy took Ian for acupuncture I took Mark for a haircut. Much to my surprise he suggested it, God! Afterwards, Mark and I proceeded to run errands — visiting Ace hardware, shopping at Buffalo Exchange, a vintage/recycling clothes store, followed by a quick stop for french fries for Mark. All the while we chatted and bickered and enjoyed talking so much we went right past two turns. Finally, I deposited him at the movie theater to meet friends and made my way home.

Tomorrow, Ian and I will go back to the Piazza Gavi for another breakfast. Ian is a man of few words so there will be periods of silence. But, it will be a comfortable silence. He is willing to be with me — willing to share his time and space — and that is a precious gift. I am very thankful for our family and for the time to be with them!

Tagged with: Daughters, dividing my time, family visits, grandsons, Piazza Gavi, Uncle Tom's Cabin
Posted in Families, family visits, Sharing

Graduation Day in Tucson

Posted on May 23, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A Most Unusual Palm (I think?)

Good Day, God!

Suzy wanted me to put this photo in a blog as we were both struck by it on one of of many errands. I have always loved animals, God, but I have noticed in recent years a growing enjoyment of plants.

Indeed, just this morning Sandy was talking about how seeing a rabbit in her potted basil plant brought out a decidedly “Mrs. McGregor” response! She sighed and said, “I used to love Peter Rabbit.” I knew exactly what she meant.

I have mallards as neighbors and they occasionally block the driveway and leave droppings in our carport. Sigh. These are gorgeous birds — but, not good neighbors.

I do love animals who are like my Mother’s Cat. There is a link with intelligent creatures. And, I definitely prefer house-trained animals. Still, baby animals can be forgiven almost anything. Bonding with babies is a powerful thing! I remember my first grandson as a newborn!

Speaking of my first grandson — there are only 90 minutes before we take off for his graduation. This is a BIG day and we are all excited. Ian is bright but so sensitive to specific noises that he mostly goes out in public wearing his iPod as a buffer. With the challenges of his autism, it has been quite an accomplishment for him to complete his courses. Dealing with fears is a difficult thing, God. It takes a lot of courage.

But, the good news is that courage begets courage. Overcoming a fear makes for Self-Respect. That is quite a different thing than Self-Esteem. Sigh. Oh that ALL of us would work toward more self-respect and get more grit into our life. Well, at least, God, I know that is what I want to work toward.

Tagged with: autism, courage, graduation day, rabbits, sound sensitivities
Posted in connections, courage, education, Endurance, Families

Going SLO*W and Leaping About

Posted on May 22, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A peak in the Santa Catalina Mountains

Good Day, God!

Aaaa, I am sitting here at daughter Sandy’s, looking out the window at the glorious Santa Catalina Mountains. Mark is in school. Sandy and Ian are at his graduation rehearsal. It is quiet.

This morning began — wonderfully late — with a massage from Renate — a Mother’s Day Gift from Sandy. I am thankful, God! Make that THANKFUL.

Truly our children hold our Hearts in their hands. Grandchildren, too, hold our Hearts. This is as it should be. What good is a Protected Heart? Perhaps, God, Hearts are like bread dough? They only expand after a combination of pounding and resting.

This morning Sandy and I were talking about Praising You. Truly, the point and purposes of praise are often hard to grasp. Yet Hebrews 13:15 tells us to offer up the sacrifice of Praise.

gardenia on the front porch

As we talked it seemed to me that our very bodies are analogous to musical instruments. Cellos? When we Praise You, God — it is like giving You the Bow to our Cello. The music becomes richer and full of assurance. Not, alas, assurance that we will get what we want. But, assurance that we matter and that we are loved.

How does this matter? Well, I’m looking up at the dry mountains of Tucson and thinking of the Beaver Believers described in the June, 2012 issue of the Atlantic. These are people committed to repopulating North America with beavers. Apparently, one shallow little beaver dam can add a tremendous amount to the local ground water. It comes to me that Somehow one person Praising You is like a beaver. I am laughing. I have no idea what the spiritual equivalent of ground water is. Still, the link is there in my heart.

Beavers, shallow dams, ground water and the sacrifice of praise. Go figure! Still, God, I am smiling and feeling joy at the images. Thank You!

Tagged with: Beavers, ground water, Hebrews 13:15, the sacrifice of praise, Tucson, water conservation
Posted in LOVE, Music, Praise, Prayer

Back in Time

Posted on May 21, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Hill I loved in Granda Hills, CA

Good Morning, God!

A New Day — a day of Goodbyes — a day of Greetings — as I fly from LA to Tucson. I am both sad to be leaving Suzy and eager to be seeing Sandy.

How FULL our hearts can be.

Yesterday, having completed our last errand, Suzanne and I drove up to Granada Hills to visit our old neighborhood. What a Step Back in Time!

We walked around Zola Street — our cul-de- sac where everyone had bought the houses as new — and named all our neighbors. We walked around remembering the people, stories and details from our time there. Then, we walked, as Suzy had done every school day, to Van Gogh Elementary School. After that we walked up the street to where Suzy’s best friend had lived.

At that point a man came out of his house asking if we had seen the eclipse. We had not. But, we enjoyed his description of the crescent shapes he had seen in the shadows. He was full of excitement and we got to talking. He had bought a house that belonged to a friend of ours, and was full of stories. He had bought it just before the Northridge Earthquake, and we had been in the earlier Sylmar Earthquake in the same area, so we shared stories. Shared Traumas seem to make for instant connections, God.

Sharing memories — as Suzy and I did — definitely strengthens connections. I’m so thankful, God, for being able to make this trip with Suzy, back in time.