The Front and the Back of Life

Posted on June 8, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Plumeria leaves and a flower or two

Good Day, God!

Kit and I are dressed up and ready to drive off to his Punahou Reunion party at the Oahu Country Club. I think of this as presenting a good front. I shall be pleasant and try for charming.

If all goes well, God, I will not be TOO REAL! Real can be disconcerting to those around us. So we quickly learn to hide.

I remember, God, when Patty was very young taking her to the doctor for an infection. The doctor asked how she was and in a small quavering voice she replied, “I’m fine.”

The “other side” of the plumeria leaves

I had to explain to her that it was OK to tell him how she felt and where she hurt. In fact, it was essential to share as much as she could. In that instance it was easy to see how important it was to “be real” and share what was going on. But, now that I look back I can see that I had absorbed the same cultural constraints that Patty had. Most of us have.

So, God, we forget about sharing. We forget about being real. Maybe we even forget about listening to ourselves?

Ah, sitting here, talking with You — putting amorphous feelings and thoughts into words helps me hear myself. The complex formless swirl inside me needs to precipitate out into words — written or spoken — for me to “hear” them.

Listening to myself — hearing myself — feels like letting Your Light shine Through me. It feels good.

And tonight’s party? Mostly I asked questions and listened to others. I enjoy listening and I enjoyed the party. There were even a few “real” moments.

Tagged with: being heard into speaking, Hearing myself, listening to others
Posted in fasting FOR someone, health, Light, living by every word that comes from God

Behold! The Sun Rising

Posted on June 7, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The sunrise viewed from just past Sandy Beach, Oahu

Good Morning, God!

The word, “Behold” is taking on new meaning for me. It came to me recently that when Andrew said to his brother, Peter, “Come and See” Jesus — he was talking about far more than “seeing.”

When the Holy Spirit is flowing through a person — even the wee bit we mortals might experience — others can sense it. You have given us, God, some sixth sense that calls out, “BEHOLD.”

Behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sins of the World. That is what John the Baptist said of Jesus (John 1:29). My Soul, My Spirit, my Being, cry out for that BEHOLDING.

Maybe that is part of how it was that Kit and I rose at 4:30 this morning. Kit went off to do his Five Mile Run. I went off to join Pulelehua on a Sunrise Walk. She does this everyday with her two dogs. Imagine that, God!

So, constrained by circumstances, I ventured forth. And I did BEHOLD the Sun Rising. Beheld the Gift of the Sun — The Life Giving Sun. The experience reminded me of a very Compressed Christmas Season. There is that sense of Anticipation! The sky gradually lightens. Then there is a specific glow. And then the Edge Appears! Dawn!

A New Day. Ah, God, all day the sun moves in the sky — imperceptibly — but at Sunrise and Sunset we can BEHOLD the movement. In this World All is motion. All is ONGOING. I am in the Process of Living. In the Process of Being Saved, of Being Restored, or Being Renewed.

How very Special — every once in a while — to BEHOLD this Mystery.

Tagged with: Behold the Lamb of God, beholding is more than seeing, dawn, sunrise
Posted in God's Light, Heavens declare the Glory of God, Holy Spirit, Light

The Gift of Compassionate, Forgiving Love

Posted on June 6, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

June’s balcony: tea and spiritual direction

Good Day, God!

This is where I can be found on Wednesday mornings between 9:00 and 10:00. It is June’s balcony which overlooks her garden, Waikiki and the Pacific Ocean. June is my Spiritual Director — or as she modestly prefers, my Spiritual Friend.

The Layers in the vista are mirrored by the layers of my heart. This place has become for me a Sacred Spot. A SAFE place where my heart can relax and open — open enough for me to catch glimpses of myself.

That is getting easier, God. Last week when June very quietly mentioned the word “surrender” I cried out, “Oh no! To me “surrender” means being facedown in the Mud!” That got a good laugh from the Part of Me that had not cried out!

This week I was back seeing June — acknowledging that I AM FACE DOWN IN THE MUD. And it is the MUD and SLOP of the prodigal daughter’s pig stye. YIKES! It is a VIVID image. And it feels right. What redeems it is the image of Jesus (giving You a human form, God) picking me up and holding me. Loving me and holding me just as I am.

This is what You do, isn’t it God? Love us as we are. Not as we think we are or want to be or hope to be. Loving us as we are now! Loving all of us muddy human beings. Wanting to share the Joys and Pains of Loving with each one of us.

So, I suppose, God, when June is sitting there — she is sitting in for You — holding her heart open to You . . . and to me. Thank You God for Spiritual Directors.

Tagged with: compassion, Sacred Space, Safe Places, Spiritual Directors
Posted in compassion to care for myself, connections, hearing myself, Hearts, Ongoing Transformation

Wanting Transparency — But First, Comes Compassion

Posted on June 5, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A Hou Tree blossom on a tree in a nursery at the back of Waimanalo

Good Day, God!

Transparency is such an appealing quality — in flowers and in friends. Hmm. It comes to me God, that I would like to be more transparent with myself. As I say that I’m thinking back to my recent visit with Oldest Daughter, Suzanne.

She said to me one afternoon, “Mom! You are feeling sorry for yourself. Just tell me what you want!”

I confess, God, I wasn’t aware of feeling sorry for myself. Sigh. I don’t like self pity, and so I simply kept myself from noticing that I was engaging in it. How foolish. I’m pretty sure that I turn a Blind Eye on most of my faults. Dang!

Did You just point out the Feelings are not Faults? And that instead of saying Self-Pity I could have said Sad . . . or maybe Conflicted? Yes, God, I was definitely JUDGING my feelings. No wonder I didn’t want to look at them! Labeling some feelings as Bad sure does push them down below consciousness.

How Harsh! And, worse yet, how very Counter Productive! When Suzy observed that I was feeling sorry for myself — I checked and found, sure enough I was! The why wasn’t all that hard. Suz had asked me to change her light bulbs before they burned out. And I was conflicted. I love helping my daughters. But, I really didn’t feel up to teetering on the top of a ladder to change the light bulbs.

When I found that “knot” in my feelings and shared it — transparently — Suz quickly said, “Mom you don’t have to do that!” How easy was that!

Ah, but it is only easy if I ease up on myself . . . compassion is more permeable that judgment.

Tagged with: accepting our feelings, compassion, feelings are not faults, judging, transparency
Posted in accepting my ability to REDESIGN, adjusting, being together in a compassionate presence, blooming

Sitting and Looking at the Moon

Posted on June 4, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Almost Full Moon rising over the Hawaii Kai Marina

Good Day, God!

I think, God, that I haven’t been blogging recently because my Heart is Too Full. It can’t seem to squeeze itself into words. But, I keep forgetting. You aren’t waiting for my words . . . just my presence.

My Body understands that, God. She understand the importance of “being with” one another. A simple touch can say far more than words. And yesterday I was wise enough to tell my wonderful husband that I am going to need a lot more touches and hugs in the days to come.

So, here I sit looking at the image of that glorious moon peaking through the clouds last night. Light and Dark. Night and Day. Joy and Sorrow. The rich fabric of life.

So much of that fabric is woven by our families — and by our friends. I have no explanation as to why I have been so fortunate in both family and friends — so blessed in general. I am certain I haven’t “earned it.” If anything, I feel as if I have been “entrusted” with it. It is that old verse I learned as a child:

“Those to whom much is given, from them much is required.”

How can I “give back?” How can I “share?” Time, Money, Love, Respect, Appreciation, Gratitude, A Listening Ear, A Caring Heart. A Simple Hug. I suspect, God that money is the least of these — especially if it comes without the love.

How utterly thankful I am that You hold our World in Your Hands. And that You are Eager to Hold our hands. Thank YOU!

Tagged with: family and friends, Full Moon, giving back, the rich fabric of life
Posted in being together in a compassionate presence, Families, friends, responsibility

My Tomato Plant, My Mother and Me

Posted on June 2, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

I felt like a Walking Tomato Plant

Good Day, God!

While visiting our daughter Sandy in Arizona, I was captivated by her cherry tomato plants — growing in pots! I had no idea you could grow them in a pot. The tomato plants were almost as tall as I am and were loaded with tomatoes.

So, God, back in Hawaii, I determined to look for a tomato plant at the Farmers’ Market this morning.

I was imagining buying a small plant. It never occurred to me that I could buy a plant already bearing tomatoes! But, there it was! Only $20 and it was MINE!

Of course, I had to carry it to the car. Peering between the branches I slowly wended my way through the crowds. Talk about limited peripheral vision! But, only one small bump with another shopper.

There is something very life affirming about growing our own food. I need “life affirming” activities right now, God. My 97-year-old mother is talking about death a lot more these days. And that’s hard for me. She is still doing well enough to beat me at Scrabble this afternoon. But I can feel the “Loss” creeping closer.

I used to tell her she couldn’t die because I’m too young to be an orphan! Ah, God. The days and years are long past when I ought to have been an orphan.

I have been given a gift of years, but my eyes are still filling with tears.

Tagged with: life affirming, loss, mothers, tomato plants
Posted in growing toward up, inner paths of the heart, Mothers, simple joys of daily life

Starting a New Day and a New Life

Posted on May 31, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Marina on this morning’s walk

Good Day, God!

People asked us on our recent travels, “Why did you leave home?” The message was clear. Why leave Hawaii? Why indeed!

Actually, I am not the traveler in our family. I travel to see our daughters and grandsons. Kit is the one who prompts all our other trips. I go . . . and I enjoy. It is my nature to enjoy.

Alas, that gift — if not balanced by a certain awareness of imperfections — leads me to slip into complacency. And therein lies the benefit of Travel for me, God. I come home and actually see: my office, our home, my varied piles of decisions still undecided. Yikes!

The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal

In a way, returning home after time away is like beginning a New Year. There is an Open Space wanting to be filled with New Resolutions. Oh, the Joy of New Resolutions to those of us who are biological optimists! Past failures are merely prelude to upcoming successes. Ah, no matter that my rational mind demurs. Hope Billows Up!

So, in that vein, I am starting The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It, by Kelly McGonigal. I think this is the THIRD book on Willpower that I have bought, and by now I have a few facts in hand. For example, I know that we need to do more than just try to STOP a habit. We have to REPLACE it with something else . . . hopefully more beneficial. And I have also learned just how essential it is to ferret out the very beginning point or urge before the action.

Still, God, what I need are proven strategies! And this is what Kelly McGonigal promises — all tested by her hundreds of students in her classes. And guess what the first exercise she recommended, God? Meditating or (for me) Centering Prayer — as an exercise in Awareness. How good to merge the Spiritual and the Practical, God!

Oh Joy! New Opportunities to coordinate my Will Power, my Won’t Power and my Want Power!

Tagged with: Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct, Want Power, Willpower, Won't Power
Posted in A Spiritual Spring Cleaning, Books, courage to see myself, Rethinking, self care as self compassion and humility, slow incremental change

Portrait of a Fixer

Posted on May 30, 2012 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Self portrait — of a recovering (?) Fixer

Good Day, God!

I’s so thankful I didn’t try to do a Daily Blog while I was visiting our daughters! The last few days at Sandy’s were so FULL of just “being with” and enjoying the three of them that there wasn’t much energy left over for blogging. And, that is as it should be!

This photo was taken as I finally had a chance to take Sandy out for dinner — just the two of us. We had such a good time.

It was the best visit yet with my daughters and I am beginning to understand why.

The understanding grew out of my hour long session this morning with June my Spiritual Director. I am not at all sure just how we got there but, somehow I began to “get” the difference between a Fixer and a Helper. Not just in my head — but in my gut which is still “feeling” how destructive “fixers” can be. And, Yes, God, I am deep down, still a Fixer.

VPPs (Very Proud People) love to FIX. Both the “problem” and the “solution” seem so clear. So does the shortest path to that solution. And, why wouldn’t people want to know “The Answer?” Oh MY! Such Massive Insensitivity on my part!

June gently suggested that perhaps Satan was a Fixer? I thought of the Snake in the Garden of Eden and started to laugh. Then I turned to June and HISSED and LISPED — dussst thou sshink ssso? I really “felt” how that Snake was a Fixer!

The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, is called The Helper! The Helper loves helping but only as “Invited” and then only as much as the requester is willing to receive. No pushing and no judging . . . just ever so patient LOVING.

So, as I look back on my visit with my daughters I can see that many times in the past I have acted as Fixer. This time, maybe, I spent more time as Helper. Please, God, I really want to become a only a helper!

Posted in Families, family visits, Holy Spirit

Real Time Visits

Posted on May 28, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Very small blooms on a bush in Sandy’s neighborhood

Good Morning, God!

The house is quiet. Everyone is sleeping. Except, of course, me, God. I have checked in to my flight that leaves at 1:00 pm this afternoon. And I have only a few more things to pack. I have had a wonderful time! I have been welcomed and loved and invited in — into the Fullness of Family. A Blessing!

The thing about longer visits is that the Visitor slowly gets absorbed into the reality of the Visited. And this Alternate Reality differs in Pace as well as in Place. I became aware of this yesterday, God.

I saw it as my Last Full Day and I wanted to make good use of it. Several times during the day I fell into doing — not being. This got my “pace” off. And so there were a few — very minor — “collisions” until I geared down my pace.

As Ian put it so well — he felt “pushed.” Yes, God, I do know that no one likes to be pushed. And I AM Pushy! I know this about myself. And, to be honest, God, I don’t want to lose that quality . . . but I do want to control it better.

Visitors need to match the pace of the place. And even Mothers and Grandmothers are at the same time visitors who need to respect the pace of each place visited. At Suzy’s I went a bit faster than usual. At Sandy’s I have had to go a bit slower at times. Both have been good “exercises” for me.

My Heart is Full of Love. I am so very Thankful! And now I go on to home. And I am thankful for that too.

Tagged with: a matter of pace, being pushy, family visits, the importance of pace
Posted in Families, family visits, gratitude, LOVE

Breakfast with Ian in Piazza Gavi

Posted on May 24, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Piazza Gavi in Tucson, Arizona

Good Day, God!

Here in Tucson I have been sharing my time with Sandy and the two grandsons — my son-in-law, Dave, is in Europe on business.

Yesterday, Ian and I ate breakfast here at the Piazza Gavi — a lovely restaurant not far from Sandy’s home. This is definitely a cut above the Good Egg or JeriBob’s, the site of our former breakfasts.

Today I went with Sandy to her dentist appointment — reading Uncle Tom’s Cabin while I waited. The book is Sandy’s assignment to me as part of an “upgrade” of my reading habits. I can see how influential the book must have been in the 1800’s in the fight against slavery. But, it plays well now as a story on the abuse of economic power. I’m enjoying being “upgraded.”

After the visit to the dentist — just for cleaning — Sandy and I went to Costco and loaded up on staples and a few fun foods and then came home for lunch. We are both doing without carbs and focusing on eating “right.” It’s such fun to share — even ordinary things — with daughters!

Looking out the door of Piazza Gavi

Then, while Sandy took Ian for acupuncture I took Mark for a haircut. Much to my surprise he suggested it, God! Afterwards, Mark and I proceeded to run errands — visiting Ace hardware, shopping at Buffalo Exchange, a vintage/recycling clothes store, followed by a quick stop for french fries for Mark. All the while we chatted and bickered and enjoyed talking so much we went right past two turns. Finally, I deposited him at the movie theater to meet friends and made my way home.

Tomorrow, Ian and I will go back to the Piazza Gavi for another breakfast. Ian is a man of few words so there will be periods of silence. But, it will be a comfortable silence. He is willing to be with me — willing to share his time and space — and that is a precious gift. I am very thankful for our family and for the time to be with them!