Wanting Transparency — But First, Comes Compassion

A Hou Tree blossom on a tree in a nursery at the back of Waimanalo

Good Day, God!

Transparency is such an appealing quality — in flowers and in friends. Hmm. It comes to me God, that I would like to be more transparent with myself. As I say that I’m thinking back to my recent visit with Oldest Daughter, Suzanne.

She said to me one afternoon, “Mom! You are feeling sorry for yourself. Just tell me what you want!”

I confess, God, I wasn’t aware of feeling sorry for myself. Sigh. I don’t like self pity, and so I simply kept myself from noticing that I was engaging in it. How foolish. I’m pretty sure that I turn a Blind Eye on most of my faults. Dang!

Did You just point out the Feelings are not Faults? And that instead of saying Self-Pity I could have said Sad . . . or maybe Conflicted? Yes, God, I was definitely JUDGING my feelings. No wonder I didn’t want to look at them! Labeling some feelings as Bad sure does push them down below consciousness.

How Harsh! And, worse yet, how very Counter Productive! When Suzy observed that I was feeling sorry for myself — I checked and found, sure enough I was! The why wasn’t all that hard. Suz had asked me to change her light bulbs before they burned out. And I was conflicted. I love helping my daughters. But, I really didn’t feel up to teetering on the top of a ladder to change the light bulbs.

When I found that “knot” in my feelings and shared it — transparently — Suz quickly said, “Mom you don’t have to do that!” How easy was that!

Ah, but it is only easy if I ease up on myself . . . compassion is more permeable that judgment.

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Posted in accepting my ability to REDESIGN, adjusting, being together in a compassionate presence, blooming

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