Inner Mortgages — Do They Get Paid Off?

Posted on February 4, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A Tecomanthe Vine from New Guinea in a friend's yard

Good Day God!

Cough cough cough . . . but my cold is not as bad as it might be. Today I waited out my cold by resting and reading. Wondering if this cold is just another semi-disguised way of reducing my Energy Debt.

Sigh, a friend just called and offered the thought that I might possibly be learning to rest. Such a positive spin, God! I would love to think I was learning to cut back, say no, and schedule less. Love to imagine myself molting and emerging as . . . as . . . as . . .

Well, God, there’s the thing. I can imagine myself in a sort of cocoon. I can imagine that I already might not be what I was. But, I have absolutely no idea of what I might be becoming.

Trust? Did I hear the word Trust?

Let’s be clear here, God. I would rather know than trust. I would like to see just how much energy/time I “owe” so I can know when I will be paid off and back to being me again. Because, I really don’t want to change.

A friend emailed me the wonderful news that she had paid off her mortgage. That really is good news. And I am thinking longingly of numbers and things one can measure and count — and pay off. Only, I am a human being and we are far more complex. So, there go simplistic analogies. Dang!

Well, not being able to know, I shall try for trust. I shall try to rest in the not knowing. Maybe not exactly embrace it. But, set my Not Knowing in context. Set myself in the Context of Your Love.