Good Morning, God!
Thank You for yesterday’s session with my therapist, Mavis.
I came home right afterwards and went through my Piles of Paper Stuff — Piles that I had dragged to the dining room table and left there for over a month. I sat there — happily sorting and filing and humming away — for over 2 hours.
It was as if a dam cracked deep inside me, God — letting out energy and apparently washing away any “refusal to file.” How Odd! How Surprising!
My Mind had created its very own Inner Beaver Dam — to keep memories that were too threatening — away. I wasn’t willing or maybe able to process them. The first “clue” for me that I HAD a Dam was the strength of my emotional reaction while listening to MindSight by Daniel Siegel. I had to stop listening. It was too painful. He was talking about how we need to create our own “narrative” for our life. And he was explaining the various ways children and parents attune themselves to one another.
I thought the pain was about my failures as mother. But, as I talked yesterday in the “security of Mavis’s presence” I was able to go back to my very young childhood — and finally noticed a gap in my early memories — a Blacked Out Period.
I still don’t “remember” but I did let myself FEEL the Deep Sorrow of that Time. Then I said, out loud, “there was fear there, too.” That was all the further I could go. But, it was far enough — far enough that I could feel Peace welling up. Peace and a sense of comfort.
Can it be that just that tiny breech in my Inner Dam could have released a flood that is washing away my paper clutter? Thank YOU, God for nudging me to go see Mavis.