Sitting (right now) off the beaten path

Posted on February 9, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

My Centering Prayer Chair

Good Day, God!

I was sitting in this chair this morning after praying, looking up at the palm branches and feeling thankful. I love palms. I love sitting under the palm branches. And this morning I was enjoying how relaxed I felt.

Doing less feels so comfortable, God, so right! I am now beginning to understand viscerally what Dr. Arch Hart said about how “BUSY builds a WALL around our brain’s Pleasure Center.” Busy leads slowly but surely to Anhedonia — the inability to experience pleasure. Yes, we CAN have too much fun. I marvel that more people aren’t on antidepressants.

BUSY has become the new “High Status” thing to be. Busy is everything our conscious minds love. Busy provides meaning, and a sense that we matter. Busy keeps us occupied and distracted and maybe even high on adrenaline. Busy is incredibly addictive.

The really good news is that our bodies and brains can heal and repair most of the damage. Ah, but God, first people have to stop! And stopping is really difficult. I got angry at family and friends who even suggested I might be too busy. I was really resistant!

I certainly didn’t think about retiring when I left in May for a ten day silent retreat at Snowmass. But, when the retreat was over I KNEW I had to retire. Even then, I thought maybe I’d stop working in a year or so. But, I was through by the end of August. Still, I managed to keep myself busy until . . . maybe last month?

Busy for me is like the Bottle to the alcoholic. Always lurking. Always tempting. I am doing pretty well now. But, I’m glad I’m coming nose to nose with this problem. Please keep me humble . . . keep me real!

Tagged with: anhedonia, busy, Dr. Arch Hart
Posted in Balancing and adjustments, busy, busy as an attack strategy, compassion to care for myself, humility

Enlarging our View — Life as Meaningful

Posted on February 8, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

a composite image of Our World

Good Day, God!

I realized this morning that the Gift of Laughter is back in my life. Hope is back, too. I hadn’t even known those two were gone.

They were missing — along with due dates of library books and waterings of my beloved anthuriums down in our car port. Not thought of. Not missed. It is kind of scary, God, the number of things that go AWOL when we are sick.

Aaron Antonovsky just popped into my mind, God! I can still remember a newspaper article in which he talked about how almost all of our “health” efforts went into pulling people out of the River of illness. Why, he asked, weren’t we looking upstream to see why they were falling in?

What a great question, God! And not one that seems to interest us. Prevention, such as it is, seems to be limited to “don’t smoke,” eat less, eat right, and exercise more. Although now there is a growing awareness that good social support helps our health.

Antonovsky was a medical sociologist who was interested in how people’s Generalized Resistance Resources (GRRs) such as money, ego-strength and social support helped them deal with the stressors of life. By ego-strength, I think Antonovsky was referring to people’s “sense of coherence” about life. Coherence involves three beliefs about our life. 1) Comprehensibility 2) Manageability and the most important one, 3) Meaningfulness.

That last one really resonates with me, God! I remember when our daughter Patty was terminally ill. I said to her doctor at Stanford that the real battle wasn’t between Life and Death — but between Meaning and Meaninglessness. The Wikipedia article on Salutogenesis (a term coined by Antonovsky) defines Meaningfulness as “a belief that things in life are interesting and a source of satisfaction, that things are really worth it and that there is good reason or purpose to care about what happens.”

Perhaps those beliefs are as much the result of Good Health as they are protectors of Good Health. In any case, I’m glad to be well again, God!

Tagged with: a sense of coherence, Aaron Antonovsky, comprehensibility, manageability, meaningfulness, salutogenesis
Posted in friends, health, Hope as a gift from God, learning

Looking back on a Good Day

Posted on February 7, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

a photo of me in which I look oddly elf-like -- to me anyway

Good Day, God!

A good good day for which I am thankful! And what could be more fun than to have a photo taken of me last night — that mostly doesn’t look like me! I’m enjoying pretending that I might look like this. I love it.

One excellent result that comes out of being sick is that one realizes (eventually . . .) that many of our “virtues” have more to do with the level of our energy than with our character. This is a truly humbling realization.

The Shack on Koko Marina -- looking up from the dock

Yes, God. Yes, I have had this realization before. But I keep repressing it. Mostly, I have a fairly high energy level . . . which leads me to imagine myself as virtuous. A virtuous elf? Such an imagination.

Another reason for this being a good day is that I cut my jewelry class. This might not seem like a plus — but I don’t believe in all my years of schooling that I ever cut a class. I was compulsive! Even when I clearly should have joined my college roommate for lunch with her parents . . . I went to class. So, for me to decide I wasn’t quite up to a three hour jewelry class this morning was an accomplishment! And so was emptying dresser drawers (3 of them) and sorting through them — and not putting everything back in!

Such small and simple accomplishments, God. But, I feel good about them and I take that fact as a sign of my ongoing recovery from chronic overload. Thank You, God! Thank You so very much!

Tagged with: feeling good about small accomplishments, recovering from chronic overload, small and simple accomplishments
Posted in compassion to care for myself, gratitude, recovery time, thankfulness, the layers of life, Transitions

Blue Sky, Full Moon, Full Heart

Posted on February 6, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Gold Tree with Blue Sky

Good Day, God!

How much more wonderful a Gold Tree is viewed against a Blue Sky! Still, yesterday’s grey sky was perfect for my not-quite-well self.

Sheesh, what with friends who have gone through chemo and such, one might think I would be ashamed to bleat on and on and on about a cold.

But, I suspect the cold was just an expression of an inner emotional “congestion.” Perhaps those of us who have lost the gift of crying are forced to sniffle and blow our noses? Ick. I need Your Help, God. Help to Hear myself. Help to just sit and feel.

Ah. Now on to the moon, which is 93% full tonight. My husband Kit called me this afternoon while I was playing Scrabble at my mom’s and said, “Let’s go to The Shack (restaurant) to see the moon tonight!”

Waiting for the moon rise

Off we went shortly after the moon rose at 5:39 p.m. But, there were clouds in the way — and the sun wasn’t setting until 6:23. So we chatted and watched the canoes paddle by and the tiny sailboats flit about. I didn’t sight the moon until 6:37.

I know, God, these times are so precise. But, that’s because of my Star Walk app and the fact that my iPhoto gives me “information” on each photo — the date, time and stuff like f/2.4 and 1/20. Stuff that one used to have to set by hand. Kit used to love doing that. Control, anyone?

The ALMOST full moon over Koko Marina

Thank goodness I can go just go about pointing and clicking! For me it is about seeing.

Seeing is easy for me, God. Feeling is much harder. But, our daughter Suzanne has pointed out that if I don’t do my “share,” then other people in our family system will have to do my emotional laundry. I know that is how it works. So, God, now I will go and journal. Please help me. THANKS!

Tagged with: blue sky, Gold tree, Koko Marina, the almost full moon
Posted in adjusting, asking for help for myself, fears, Feeling our feelings, processing on deeper levels, seeing

Wistful Thoughts on a Grey Day

Posted on February 5, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

February and the Gold Trees are blooming on a grey day

Good Day, God!

A grey day . . . but my first day out this month. And the Gold Trees are blooming. That’s surely one of the yearly events that I most look forward to.

I did venture out to see my mom, God. Not as long a visit as usual. But, we played a game of Scrabble and I clipped her toe nails and took her rent check down to the office. Oh! — and I brought her two bags of pretzels.

I knew I had been sick, God, when I realized just today that I had library books four days overdue AND I hadn’t watered my plants since Tuesday. I hadn’t even remembered them enough to ask Kit to water them. Sigh. Forgetting my plants!

Out of this cold, my compassion for the chronically ill is way up. Still, I really don’t know how hard chronic illness must be. Knowing is surely a body thing. Not a head thing.

For some odd reason that brings to mind someone’s idea that participants at peace conferences should be given babies to hold. Giving folks a good dose of oxytocin I suppose. I seem to remember that President Carter had the protagonists at Camp David bring photos of their grandchildren.

Truly, God, I want a world safe for our grandchildren. I am more or less convinced that the only way to have that kind of world is to have the grandmothers in charge. Wouldn’t that be lovely, God? Of course, we grandmothers don’t want to be in charge. But, I am sure no one who WANTS power should ever be given it.

Yes, God, a Council of Grandmothers. That’s what I’d like to see!

Tagged with: a Council of Grandmothers, a moment with God, A world safe for all of our grandchildren, Gold Trees
Posted in Common sense and reasonableness, health, Peace

Inner Mortgages — Do They Get Paid Off?

Posted on February 4, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A Tecomanthe Vine from New Guinea in a friend's yard

Good Day God!

Cough cough cough . . . but my cold is not as bad as it might be. Today I waited out my cold by resting and reading. Wondering if this cold is just another semi-disguised way of reducing my Energy Debt.

Sigh, a friend just called and offered the thought that I might possibly be learning to rest. Such a positive spin, God! I would love to think I was learning to cut back, say no, and schedule less. Love to imagine myself molting and emerging as . . . as . . . as . . .

Well, God, there’s the thing. I can imagine myself in a sort of cocoon. I can imagine that I already might not be what I was. But, I have absolutely no idea of what I might be becoming.

Trust? Did I hear the word Trust?

Let’s be clear here, God. I would rather know than trust. I would like to see just how much energy/time I “owe” so I can know when I will be paid off and back to being me again. Because, I really don’t want to change.

A friend emailed me the wonderful news that she had paid off her mortgage. That really is good news. And I am thinking longingly of numbers and things one can measure and count — and pay off. Only, I am a human being and we are far more complex. So, there go simplistic analogies. Dang!

Well, not being able to know, I shall try for trust. I shall try to rest in the not knowing. Maybe not exactly embrace it. But, set my Not Knowing in context. Set myself in the Context of Your Love.

Tagged with: a moment with God, changing into what?, inner mortgages, overwhelming complexity of begin human
Posted in Changing, complexity, LOVE, Ongoing Transformation, Trusting God

True Rest: Coming to a Full Stop

Posted on February 3, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A Cat Friend of Suzanne -- who greets her on her walks

Good Day, God!

It wasn’t hard to find today’s photo! I feel just like this cat! Totally relaxed. Last night I was worried that my cold might go down into my chest — I hate bronchitis, God! But, an old remedy — a steamer with a drop of oil of cloves, thyme and cinnamon — did the trick.

I am at a Full Stop, God. Thank You! It feels good. And now I’m thinking of how much Being Time I have wasted. Hmm. Let me reframe that, God. I am now looking forward to enjoying Being Time. Being Alive. Being With.

Ah, God. What was that quote that delighted me recently? Oh yes, Sophia Loren said it: “Mistakes are part of the dues that one pays for a full life.”

You do so want us to live Full Lives, God! And to do that we have to understand that we cannot live without making mistakes. I suspect that our culture wants to live without mistakes. I’m sitting here and pondering that marvelous story about the prodigal son . . . and his “I never made a mistake” older brother. The poor dear older brother was so upset, God, when their father rejoiced so greatly when he welcomed home the “never did anything right” younger brother.

I’m looking at this adorable cat. He comes running to see our daughter Suzanne when she walks by his home. She adores him. And he obviously loves it.

You love us far far more than our daughter loves this cat. You love all of us — mistake makers and mistake haters. Please, God, help us to love.

Tagged with: prodigal humans, uptight older brothers
Posted in LOVE, Mistakes, reframing, relaxation, rest

Reassembling Myself: Between Past and Future

Posted on February 2, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

xcor-lynx suborbital vehicle -- win a free flight!

Good Day, God!

I have been sort of aware that America is turning space over to Free Enterprise. Still, seeing an article on how one can enter a drawing to win a flight on this suborbital vehicle was jarring! Of course, it isn’t like you send in cereal box tops to enter — as in my childhood. You have to register for the Next Generation Suborbital Researchers Conference (NSRC-2012) in Palo Alto, CA on February 27-29. Gosh, I wonder if a friend’s granddaughter might be going to that? Yikes!

I feel, God, as if I am on the very TIP of

Primal Body, Primal Mind: Beyond the Paleo Diet for Total Health and a Longer Life

the exponential curve that is our technological world. Can we really be Going FURTHER? My imagination says SURE! But, other more ancient parts of me shake their head and murmur “too far, too far!”

Ah, God. In spite of being raised on Science Fiction, I am in need of a Time Out. Maybe that is what this persistent cold really is? A chance to stop. A chance to regroup. An opportunity to try to stitch together my old nature with the changes that surround me?

The changes aren’t just located in Space, God. They are located in Time as well. I’ve been working my way through Primal Body, Primal Mind and realizing that we humans did our basic developing in the Ice Age. This warm period has only been the climate for 12,000 years. The author, Nora Gedgaudas, points out that we weren’t eating grain during the ice age. We weren’t even eating it until roughly 3,000 years ago. Ice age? I guess I should have realized that. But, hey? Haven’t things ALWAYS been the way they are NOW?

No. Things keep on changing. Please help all of us, God. Help us through the changes.

Tagged with: a moment with God, Primal Body Primal Mind, suborbital vehicles
Posted in Changing, God's Time, Needed Repair Time, setting my life in context

A Gift of Perspective

Posted on February 1, 2012 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Aurora Borealis: Photo by Mara, posted in ZME Travel

Good Day, God!

I’m home with a cold and cough, drifting aimlessly and tired of introspection. I need a change of subject!

The Aurora Borealis seemed like a beautiful topic. There is a lovely time lapse video of the auroras as seen from the space station.

We live in an utterly amazing universe, God! For example, in looking up Northern Lights (Aurora) I found that the Southern Lights seem to change at the same time as the Northern ones. They are in sync! Or, at least that is how I imagine it. The quote (from the Wikipedia link) was: “Its southern counterpart, the aurora australis (or the southern lights), has almost identical features to the aurora borealis and changes simultaneously with changes in the northern auroral zone”

I’m glad I found that quote midst all the scientific information! It makes me feel as if our Planet is “embraced” — held at both poles by the magnetic/solar wind.

Anyway, God, it is GOOD to take my eyes off of myself and delight in the Mystery and Beauty of our Universe — and in strange historical factoids like the extreme Solar Storm of September 1859. The northern lights were seen as far south as the Caribbean and people in the northeast could read by their bright light. What a sight that must have been!

But, then I consider what happened to the telegraph lines — the High Tech of that Time. The pylons threw off sparks, some telegraph paper caught fire, and while some stations stopped working other stations telegraphed for hours without having their normal power “on.”

Hmm. I hope that our communication and internet systems are prepared for another huge solar storm — especially as our eleven year sunspot cycle is reaching its peak.

This is a Beautiful and Amazing World, God. But, it is surely not always a Safe One!

Tagged with: aurora borealis, northern lights, solar storms
Posted in Energy, our small blue dot, Perspective, web of life