An Oblique Look at . . .

Posted on June 23, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The sculpture workroom at the Tate in St. Ives, England

Good Evening God!

It’s funny how a photo will take us back in time. The year was 2004 and my husband Kit and I had gone to England for him to run the London Marathon. Afterward, we traveled to Land’s End with our son-in-law, Dave and his dad, Frank, both U.K. natives. I forget just why it was that Dave came to be visiting his folks in Liverpool.

Here, we were all at the Tate museum in St. Ives, and it was a grey, damp day. We’d done the galleries and were out in the garden when I looked through the window and snapped this photo.

In looking more closely, I see in the workroom mirror a reflection of my husband Kit, who was standing next to me.

So, as I sit here in Honolulu going through old photographs, my thoughts return to Land’s End. Remembering the walk along the top of the cliffs overlooking the ocean. Remembering meals shared with Dave and Frank. Remembering Kit’s distress in scraping our rental car’s right front fender. And remembering a spat he and I had over dinner that night. Easy to smile now — albeit ruefully.

The mirror in the workroom at the Tate in St. Ives, England

I’m thankful, God, for this mini trip back in my memory. It makes me think I want to do more “remembering.” Sharing more of our past with Kit is something I look forward to.

I’d best get the photos ready so we can start remembering from a common point. Both Kit and I differ so — on what we notice and what we file. I often joke that we walk hand in hand through separate universes.

We all have our individual oblique views of the world, don’t we God.

Tagged with: Lands End, memories, St Ives, Tate
Posted in connecting, Creating, family visits

Unforgiveness — Unseen and Invisible Poison

Posted on June 19, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Looking inland toward Makapuu Head

Good Evening, God!

It’s true . . . In preparing to teach, we often intensify our learning.

I volunteered to teach a class on Forgiveness for this August. I thought I had worked through quite a lot of forgiving over the years. Surely my biggest job was to work and work on forgiving myself for losing our daughter Patty to cancer. I guess I thought I had finished most of my forgiveness work.

Alas, not so! I have been totally unaware of many lurking areas of unforgiveness. Apparently, people like me who want to think of themselves as “good people” are very good at suppressing awareness of unforgiveness.

I hadn’t ever thought of unforgiveness as invisible. But, preparing for the class has been sensitizing me.

My eyes were opened a few days ago as I jogged by an area of bare ground that had been a small wilderness area — filled with kiawe trees, hale koa bushes, and many mongooses. As I jogged by the empty ground I could feel my anger and resentment at the clearing of this bit of wilderness. Everything that was non indigenous was cut down. All of this in the process of restoring an ancient Heiau.

After I’d jogged a few more steps it suddenly dawned on me that my regret and anger were markers of unforgiveness. Yikes! How could I have missed the deeper meaning of those two red flags — anger and resentment?

I missed them because I didn’t want to know about my unforgivenss. I’m sure there are many other areas in which I have hidden unforgivenss. Sigh. Forgiving myself and others is such hard work, God, even with Your help. Now I know that I have to begin by finding those poisonous wells of unforgiveness.

Tagged with: anger, forgiveness, invisibility, resentment, Unforgiveness
Posted in Anger, Forgiving

Three Father’s Day Gifts

Posted on June 16, 2013 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Kit on Cape Cod after the Boston Marathon

Kit at Cape Cod after the 2013 Boston Marathon

Good Day, God!

Thank You, God, for Fathers! Also, for monogamy . . . because I don’t share well. I often “count my blessings” for having Kit as my faithful husband and as the father of our daughters. But, really, can I tell him that often enough?

Here are a few of the gifts I gave Kit today. First, I went jogging with him this morning. We did 2+ miles, and I had enough left at the end for me to take off in a little sprint. I do love sprinting. But slogging through long training miles? Not so much. But I recognize, God, that jogging is good for me. And it gives Kit so much joy.

My next gift to him was the Secret Key to successfully managing me. I respond best to a positive and encouraging tone of voice. I realized this just recently. Facts and logic kind of roll off of me. Ah, but a warm loving, uplifting word — that is a marvelous gift . . . candy for the ear!

Actually, that Secret Key is a gift I’d love to give to all men. It seems that our Western Culture is a bit weak on Warm Emotional Encouragement. It’s a mystery to me why people think logic and reason are going to be useful levers in changing behavior.

But, back to gifts. My third gift was to “interview” Kit over the brunch I prepared. That was fun! First I asked what Meaningful Goals he had accomplished. His first response: Running 51 marathons. He then slowly worked all the way back to marrying me years ago! I added to his list: His having compiled our late daughter Patty’s words and poems into the small book Mango Days.

Then I asked him what Goals were still outstanding. It’s good to have goals, God . . . good to make them explicit. I guess mine is to take good care of Kit. Thanks, again, God, for Good Fathers.

Tagged with: Fathers, Fathers Day, gifts, goals, jogging, loving encouragement, marathons, Nonverbal communication, positive tone of voice
Posted in Books, connecting, Families, Marathons, relationships

Major Changes to Our Food Supply

Posted on June 13, 2013 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Glyphosate and Autism

Good Evening, God!

First it was finding this graph about usage of the weed killer Roundup (main active ingredient: Glyphosate) going UP at about the same rate as Autism.

It seems that “Glyphosate-based herbicides all work on the same biochemical principle — they inhibit a specific enzyme that plants need in order to grow. The specific enzyme is called EPSP synthase.”

The article comprehensively reviews old studies on the safety of glyphosate and finds enough concerns to call for a comprehensive study of glyphosates. That seems like a really good idea, God. But where can we find truly independent researchers?

Next I was reading about the on-going collapse of pollinating bee colonies and read this chilling quote: The collapse of bee colonies is probably multifactorial, but a major factor is the toxicity of systemic pesticides called nicotinoids, which kill insects by attacking their nervous systems.

So, even though I understand we don’t exactly have proof about the weed killers and the bee killers, it does strike me that we humans have embarked on MAJOR changes to our Food Supply with more Hubris than Caution.

I dare say researchers somewhere are busy looking for substitutes for honey bees. Just as scientists are working on the Global Warming Problem. Hmm. Well, I love science, I was raised on Science Fiction, and I am a born optimist. But I am feeling distinctly uneasy about Big Food.

This is Your World, God. You made it and You declared it GOOD. Perhaps we ought to show more respect for Your Ways. Complex interrelationships take time to ripple all the way out. They require long-term studies before safety can be assured.

Maybe You could nudge the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to look into this? Please?

Tagged with: autism, complexity, glyphosate, hubris, our food supply, weed-killers
Posted in connecting, humility, Perspective, web of life, Worries

Little Flowers, Lit by Love

Posted on June 11, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Little Flowers seen on my morning jog

Good Evening, God!

It’s been a lovely, slow day — even my 2.2 mile jog was slow. Perhaps I’m taking time to factor in my Medieval Helpers? Let me try to explain (to myself?) how they work.

Edward de Bono talked about using Six Hat Thinking. Each “Hat” stood for a mode of thinking. For example the Yellow Hat was for optimism and looking for positives while the Black Hat was about judgment. The Black Hat was the Devil’s Advocate who tried to see what could go wrong. Getting individuals or groups periodically to change hats really stretches the thinking process.

I suppose my staff of Medieval Officers acts in somewhat the same way as those Hats. It is easier to get myself exercising if I give myself an Inner Helper — in this case an avuncular Scot who has the Medieval role of Marshall. (The office of Marshall kept discipline among the troops and oversaw their training.)

Today my Inner Marshall had me stretching and exercising while listening to Fr. Richard Rohr reading from his book The Little Way: A Spirituality of Imperfection. He is referring to the Little Way of Saint Therese of Lisieux, also called the Little Flower.

Fr. Rohr’s book, The Little Way

This is also a spiritual stretching, God. Or maybe his words are not so much stretching me as loosening me from the cultural entanglement that adores Achieving and Accomplishing. It is one of Your Paradoxes, God, isn’t it? In what we think of as our better moments we long to do Great Things for You. Yet, You can’t really use us until we come nose to nose with our own powerlessness, weakness and flawed nature.

Nose down in the mud — accepting that — we find ourselves lifted up and loved. And, sent out to love others in Little Ways. Imperfect Ways. Now THAT is Good News! Thank You for loving us as we are!

Tagged with: Fr. Richard Rohr, humility, imperfections, openess, The Little Way
Posted in Books, connecting, Faith, humility, LOVE, Ongoing Transformation

My Medieval Marshall arrives to help

Posted on June 8, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The rich complexity of the Banyan tree arching over the Kapiolani Park walking path reflects our own inner complexities.

Good Evening, God!

Yesterday was a lovely full day — a day in which I opened my heart to receive help. While sitting in silence in Centering Prayer, I met “The Marshall.” That’s the officer charged with the training and discipline of the soldiers assigned to a medieval castle. As I read the list of medieval offices the day before I did stop on that one and think . . . hmm . . . discipline. I need that.

Imagine my surprise, God, when The Marshall appeared inside me as an avuncular Scot with a charming accent and a supportive and encouraging approach. His enveloping warmth and certainty that I can “do it” had me picking up my 5 pound weights several times yesterday and today. He also had me stretching and feeling very good about it!

I sure wish I had met him years ago. His positive, compassionate and encouraging spirit are a tonic!

A friend asked me this morning, “How long do you think this will last?” I didn’t have an answer then but this evening the answer came. It will last as long as I stay humble enough to “receive” the help.

That’s the Key, isn’t it, God? Humility. Enough humility to know that I am falling short and need help. And then on-going humility so that I am open during the day for opportunities to be guided, nudged or rounded up and sent out for a run.

On further consideration it also means scheduling my day at a slow enough pace so that there is space enough for helpful “interruptions.” I think redoing my schedule will require the help of the Lord of the Privy Seal. Oh my! So many helpers and I need them all!

Tagged with: discipline, humility, loving certainty, My Inner Marshall
Posted in complexity, connecting, encourage and comfort, humility

The long slow work of becoming fully me

Posted on June 7, 2013 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

The court of the Duc de Berry

Good Afternoon, God!

A few months ago, while at my spiritual director’s home, I invited my Warrior Spirit to become part of my Inner Grand Alliance. My Warrior Spirit was delighted at the idea and asked to become Chancellor of the Exchequer! Huh? But it has turned out that she is quite good with money.

Now I’ve sensed that this Inner Part of me wants to be Lord of the Privy Seal, too. Historically, that office seemed to be roughly equivalent to Royal Secretary. Being “Lord of the Privy Seal” has a lot more panache than “Secretary.”

Hmm. Yes, I guess that IS the Point. My Warrior Spirit — and her assorted coterie of assistants — want to be taken seriously.

It is quire humbling, God, to realize that I have resisted their help all these years! I’d labeled my Warrior Sprit as a fierce and angry part of myself and did my best to wall her off. That just made her angrier. Now that I am committed to ongoing Personal Integration, I am discovering a wealth of useful gifts and talents untapped inside me.

It seems they want to be called up by Name or Function. And I have noticed that they seem very fond of Medieval Titles. So I searched Wikipedia and that’s where I found the title Lord Keeper of the Privy Seal — such an impressive title!

My spiritual director told me that I am going to have fun as I do Centering Prayer — calling them up one by one and getting to know them.

Thank You, God, for helping me as I slowly learn how to be fully me!

Tagged with: becoming my full self, impressive medieval titles, inner helpers, Naming, personal integration
Posted in Anger, connecting, Growth Opportunities, humility, learning, loving myself, Ongoing Transformation

Returning: to Home, to Running and to Eating Right

Posted on June 2, 2013 by a moment with god — 2 Comments

a golden shower tree in June

Good Evening, God!

At last! This morning I went for a jog with my loving husband, Kit. I even raced him for the last 50 yards! Kit was so happy. I like to think that if I had realized just how happy it would make him that would have returned to running before now.

On the other hand, God, I am down 15 pounds from my chubby, cheery high. Now I’n at a much better weight for jogging.

It’s a Virtuous Circle! Jogging helps me trim down . . . trimming down helps me jog. Once things are moving the right way they reinforce each other.

But there is that horrible Turn Around Time. It takes so much energy to put on the Breaks and Stop going the Wrong Way. And traveling provides so much in the way of temptations!

Actually, it is very hard to travel and eat “right.” Tonight I had grass-fed beef for dinner — not very much — and kabocha squash, homemade pea salad, cooked chard, and homemade fermented purple sauerkraut. It was a beautiful meal full of Colors! Natural colors . . . not the food dyes of my jello days! Yikes! How awful to dye food to delude us into desiring it.

Worse yet, God, sugar has been added to just about everything! And if I do eat something that doesn’t taste sweet — like bread — then it turns into sugar almost immediately. No wonder most folks in America are running on sugar! Right now I’m off sugar and back to running on fat. The difference is amazing — no cravings — and very little hunger. I’m convinced that is the way You designed us to work.

I’m thankful for all the Paleo People who are trying to bring us back to the old Old Ways! I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way!

Tagged with: colored foods, getting off sugar, paleo diet, running on fat
Posted in choices, Colors, connecting, Eating for health, exercising

The Dark and Light of Life

Posted on May 31, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A Ti plant in sunlight

Good Morning, God!

And, yes, it is still morning . . . although I guess that doesn’t matter from a cosmic viewpoint. Alas, I don’t have a Cosmic Viewpoint. I am, after all, a Human.

Dang! I suspect most of my frustrations and unrealized goals stem from a failure to fully understand that I am human — which is both more limiting than I want to know and more filled with possibilities.

Recently, God, I have been going back through my Life, trying to see my Sins of commission and omission. Actually, I prefer thinking of sins as times I missed the Mark or Fell Short.

Besides, let’s face it God, the sins of omission are infinite! Sigh.

However, some failures as a mother do stand out. And I am willing and wanting to make amends. At the same time, I know I’m capable of “making things worse!” Really, God, it takes such courage to Live Fully!

I am certain that as sins go, mine could be worse. But, that misses the point! The point is that they are Mine and they are tired of being ignored and locked up. They want to come up and be dealt with — or at least acknowledged. That requires of me both Personal Courage and Personal Respect.

It means stepping out of the Positive Light to which I am so addicted and stepping into the Dark. But, as You are reminding me, our planet needs both Night and Day.

So, holding Your Hand, I am taking a few steps down into my Inner Castle’s dungeons to see what I have imprisoned there. I did a story on this years ago. I took a few small steps and then stopped.

Yes, God, it’s time to continue working on forgiving my mistakes and myself.

Tagged with: forgiving, Inner Castles, mothers, personal courage, respect
Posted in Compassion, Failing, Forgiving, freedom, Mistakes, Mothers

Organic Gardening as A Healing Model

Posted on May 29, 2013 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

A Profusion of Orchids in my Spiritual Director’s backyard

Good Evening, God!

I am tired of living with The War on . . . Practically Everything! War on Cancer, War on Drugs, War on Terrorism . . . You name it, God, and we are at war with it.

It is such a foolish model, God! I think that gardening — growing good stuff for ourselves and others, feeding the Body and the Soul — is a much better model than War. Why focus efforts on harming enemies instead of growing friends?

Ah, but I am learning that the reason that people don’t Do Things is that They Don’t Know How! So, we need help in learning how to grow and reach out to others. Peer Support and things like the Twelve Step Programs seems to me to make remarkably good sense.

People who have had a problem/trauma and lived through it are able to help others in similar situations. I suppose that is like self-seeding perennials — plants passing seeds on and on and on.

Still, having “gardeners” really does help. These are the folks who “train” the peer support folks . . . the rules and sponsors of the 12 Step Programs and so forth.

Actually, I would love it if Everyone had a “helper” of some kind or other — Personal Trainers, Life Coaches, or for me, God, a Spiritual Director.

It’s a joy to realize that we humans are never too old to learn and grow — to share, confess, and make amends. Of course, that means that first one has to take a fearless moral inventory. Yikes!

As it happens, I am embarking on a fearful moral inventory. This is not easy and it gets tangled and confused because it seems that as a Mother I am Responsible for Everything. I know this is not literally true. But, it feels true! And I am learning to Go with my Gut! The Gut is where changes grow — as in the earthy, “dirty” soil. Both are filled with microbes, worms and bugs — with an occasional Toad.

Thank You, God, for helping me look back — and helping me look forward!