Good Evening, God!
It’s true . . . In preparing to teach, we often intensify our learning.
I volunteered to teach a class on Forgiveness for this August. I thought I had worked through quite a lot of forgiving over the years. Surely my biggest job was to work and work on forgiving myself for losing our daughter Patty to cancer. I guess I thought I had finished most of my forgiveness work.
Alas, not so! I have been totally unaware of many lurking areas of unforgiveness. Apparently, people like me who want to think of themselves as “good people” are very good at suppressing awareness of unforgiveness.
I hadn’t ever thought of unforgiveness as invisible. But, preparing for the class has been sensitizing me.
My eyes were opened a few days ago as I jogged by an area of bare ground that had been a small wilderness area — filled with kiawe trees, hale koa bushes, and many mongooses. As I jogged by the empty ground I could feel my anger and resentment at the clearing of this bit of wilderness. Everything that was non indigenous was cut down. All of this in the process of restoring an ancient Heiau.
After I’d jogged a few more steps it suddenly dawned on me that my regret and anger were markers of unforgiveness. Yikes! How could I have missed the deeper meaning of those two red flags — anger and resentment?
I missed them because I didn’t want to know about my unforgivenss. I’m sure there are many other areas in which I have hidden unforgivenss. Sigh. Forgiving myself and others is such hard work, God, even with Your help. Now I know that I have to begin by finding those poisonous wells of unforgiveness.