Looking Back — Looking Forward

Posted on January 1, 2014 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Looking back: A courtyard at the Honolulu Museum of Art

Happy New Year, God!

I am SO THANKFUL to be starting a New Year! The Old Year is GONE! And such a year it was: My Mother’s passing into Your Hands, Kit running Boston with the Bombings, then the Berlin Marathon in late September, and finally Kit’s not finishing the Honolulu Marathon in December. He said when I met him at mile 16 “I only wobbled when I stepped up onto the curb . . .” but wobble he did . . . and he DID stop when I asked him to. Thank You, again, God for THAT!

It is a good thing I had the renovation of the Arcadia library to occupy my mind and keep me busy — busy enough to keep the waves of emotions at bay. Now the renovation is done. Various trips — for Thanksgiving in Tucson and a Conference in Anaheim are done.

And I am done in. My Body has had a Cold for two weeks. I am coughing — instead of crying. My Body has Taken Charge of what my Heart Keeps Turning Away From — GRIEF, LOSS, SORROW and PAIN.

We are a TEAM, my Body is telling me. “Don’t make ME do YOUR work!” And my body is right.

Looking Forward: Another courtyard at the Honolulu Museum of Art

In Your Universe, God, Joy does not preclude Sorrow. Joy is there to undergird and carry us through our Sorrows. Shakespeare said it best: “Give Sorrow Words; the Grief that does not Speak, Whispers to the O’r fraught Heart and Bids it Break.”

So, now God, I am turning around and looking Forward — forward to 2014. A New Year. And, yes, God, it will require of me a True Team Effort. Please, God, help me give my sorrow words . . . help me to weep and not to whine . . . and help me hold tight to the Joy and Hope that comes from You!

Tagged with: Body Heart Teamwork, grief, Joy, New Year, sorrow, Thanksgiving
Posted in a hand up, asking for help for myself, connecting, going THROUGH the sorrow, gratitude, healing, hearing myself

Loving my Inner Child

Posted on December 23, 2013 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Margie Anne at maybe 14 months

Good Morning, God!

I came into my office to pick up stuff and bring some order into it. But, then it came to me that my Mind would like a bit of tidying. Having just come back from a conference on The Evolution of Psychotherapy my mind is fuller than usual.

One of the talks was by Dr. Amen who is a researcher on brain function who uses SPECT images of the blood flow in the brain. His point to the audience was LOOK at what you are working with! An orthopedic surgeon wouldn’t operate with out x-rays. Why prescribe for depressed patients when they can have identical symptoms BUT totally different brain scan images?

I was quite stirred and thought YES! How sensible to LOOK at all the information available. But, the applause was light and clearly the cost of a SPECT image ($1,500?) meant that no one there was likely to refer patients for a brain scan. I shouldn’t have been surprised for he himself said he has been roundly attacked as a quack.

Sigh, I was feeling judgmental — until I realized that I don’t LOOK at myself — hardly at all. Here I am, trying to “grow up” — trying to find and integrate unused parts of myself — without looking.

So finding this early photo of me stirred a Deep Inner Part of myself. How wonderful to actually SEE myself. To see myself before I was swirled out into the Outside Sea of Others — others outside of my safe and loving extended family.

Ah, but as I write, God, I remember one important caveat. It is essential that I look at myself through Your Eyes of Love and Forgiveness! Looking back over my mistakes and missed opportunities I need Your Love and Compassion.

Looking without Your Love invites hopelessness. And HOPE is essential!

Tagged with: Blood flow, Dr. Amen, forgiveness, health, hope, Love, SPECT images
Posted in accepting my need for help, asking for and accepting forgiveness, Forgiven!, healing, hope, LOVE, seeing

A HUGE LOVE GIFT from my wonderful husband

Posted on December 8, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Kit at mile 16 in the Honolulu Marathon

Thank You, God!

My wonderful husband Kit gave me a HUGE Love Gift this morning when he agreed not to finish the Honolulu Marathon. I met him at mile 16 — right by our home — and gently asked if he wouldn’t come home with me. His pace was below forecast and he seemed a bit wobbly. True, God, to make my case, I DID say that his Women folk (our two daughters and I) were STRESSED. (The daughters, both on the Mainland, were following his progress online.)

We truly were stressed! And Kit’s brain was working well enough to know it might in fact be a good idea to drop out. This ranks as a sort of miracle, God! Sorry, excuse the “sort of” — it is a miracle! Because, Kit was given an unusual helping of GRIT and DETERMINATION. And if he sets out to DO something, he DOES IT!

As for me, God, for the very first time this year, I have heard myself saying, “I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS!” Normally, I like to ignore age and the aging process. But this year, the year I lost my 98-1/2-year-old mother, has brought a clear case of overload.

Have I learned to say No? Hardly! But, I am learning!

Life is all about small steps . . . small growth steps . . . and sometimes it is even about Stopping!

Thank You, God, for my wonderful husband — and for life lessons!

Tagged with: Learning, love gifts, marathons, overload, Slow, stopping
Posted in living within limits, LOVE, Marathons, relationships, so much to learn, Stress, tenacity, The difficulty of changing

A SLOW and LOVELY Day

Posted on December 6, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

a leaf seen on a walk

Good Evening, God!

A simple ordinary leaf . . . with Your Light shining through it. Ah, God. In Your World there is no “ordinary” is there. Each leaf, each flower, each person is special.

I admit that I have a cultural tendency to value the unusual more than the “ordinary.” It’s good to remember that all of Your Creation has value.

This morning was my walk around Kapiolani Park followed by a swim. Soaking in all that sea salt — seeing an underwater world — chatting with a friend. A good life!

And then once home I joined my wonderful husband, Kit, in listening to tributes to Nelson Mandela — and his role in keeping South Africa from bloodshed. He was able to forgive those who had kept him in prison for 27 year — forgive them and work with them to build a better future.

One of the people interviewed said that we need to take his example to heart — especially in the Middle East — and I would add, in our own Country. Forgiving isn’t excusing the wrongs done. It isn’t about denying reality. It is more about Holding Your Hand, God, and stepping into a higher reality with the focus on building a better future.

Nelson Mandela

“I am not an optimist, but I am great believer of hope.” — Nelson Mandela

I think I read that Mandela was walking out of prison — a bitter man — when he heard a voice saying that bitterness is the worst kind of prison . . . a self made one. And he LISTENED! Would that we ALL would listen.

Then later in the day I read more of the book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. It’s a wonderful book for an extrovert to read — though I’m becoming an ambivert — but, we NEED introverts with their sometimes slower but more complex thinking.

We NEED all of us!

Tagged with: forgiveness, hope, Nelson Mandela, Quiet by Susan Cain, Reconciliation
Posted in appreciation, Forgiving, hope, listening, respect

Perspective, Saguaros and Thanksgiving

Posted on December 2, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A saguaro and me

God Day, God!

I’m so thankful! And I’m more aware of being thankful today than I was on Thanksgiving Day. Although, hearing from one of our guests, Jean-Marie, about his childhood in Burundi — where he was orphaned at six — did make me realize how blessed are we who have never endured genocide!

Ah, God. That’s the trouble with perspective! Most of us have so little of it! Perhaps, I should post a copy of this photo of the saguaro cactus and me as a reminder.

It’s wonderful that our daughter, Sandy, and her family live within three miles of Sabino Canyon. Going for a walk in that glorious park truly does open one up to the existence of nature and our finiteness.

looking north in Sabino Canyon

It brings to mind the Hasidic saying: everyone should have in one pocket a note saying, “From dust you have come and from dust you shall return.” And have in the other pocket a note saying, “For you the universe was made.”

I have no trouble believing the first note, God.

But, to believe that the universe was made for me? Oh, my.

I want to fall back into a sense of Communal Responsibility — You mean humankind, right, God? But, in truth, it begins with each and every one of us responding.

Here I am in this amazing Universe. Here, now, on Planet Earth. How, now, shall I respond?

I shall begin with my Heart.

I shall let it Sing with the Morning Stars — songs of Joy and Awe and Wonder.

I shall let it Weep with all the Creatures of the Deep. The Deep Sea Creatures, the Deep Space Creatures and those Creatures deep inside of me — Creatures that rage at limits, Creatures that project dark shadows onto others.

You have said it, God. I cannot change them — until I weep with them.

Posted in Communion, connecting, Hearts, Responding, thankfulness, web of life

Lessons learned — and relearned

Posted on November 29, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A logo or image that says it all

Good Day, God!

We are now half-way into our Thanksgiving trip and I am just now realizing HOW tired I am.

I, like almost all “caregivers”, gave more than I had. Caregivers have to “borrow” against their Body’s Bank to do what needs to be done. And then, only slowly, they realize that they have to pay back their debt. Yes, God, probably with “interest”.

Drat! This is hard. And I am humbled to realize that it has not been nearly as hard for me as for many many others. Still, hard is hard. And debts — even to oneself — are hard to repay. Debts are so easy to ignore. With monetary debts there is at least a numerical amount outstanding. Money coming in and going out are both identifiable. Not so with Energy.

A Minute of Margin by Richard Swenson, MD

Not only that — but as with all debts — I don’t WANT to know what I owe! I want to continue on as usual. DOING!

DANG! The concept of “borrowing against our Body’s energy bank” is not a new one for me. I saw women doing this years ago. But, I forgot. And I also never even thought to apply it to myself.

Ah, God, I am such a slow learner! I wish I had a visual reminder like this logo for biscotti. It is so clear! Coffee loves biscotti!

What would I have, God? A photo of me with a pillow under my arm? I love sleep? Hm. Well, it isn’t just about Time OFF. It is also about PACE. I need to go slower and allow WIDER MARGINS. Ah, MARGINS! I bought that book years ago — I even read it.

This time I’ll buy the semi-daily devotional book, A Minute Margin, and work on remembering that lesson. I am a slow learner, God. But, then slow is good!

Tagged with: a slow learner, a slower pace, energy debts, Margin: Restoring Emotional, Richard Swenson
Posted in being a Slow Learner, Books, Cherishing our Bodies, Energy, healing, health, hearing myself

Traveling, Mazes and Changes

Posted on November 23, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Looking back as we leave LAX

Good Day, God!

I’ve acquired a new outlook on traveling. I now see it as an exercise in how swiftly I can regroup and reorient to new situations.

Then as a next step, I’m hoping to work on “being calm, loving and pleasant” while I’m reorienting

Our first reorientation this trip came because out trip to Los Angeles was on Hawaiian, not United. Right off, we couldn’t find the agricultural inspection station. United’s comparable station is outside near the curb. Hawaiian has streamlined. Its agricultural station is the last step, just before our bags slipped down the conveyor belt to be put on the plane. Thank goodness for the nice Hawaiian Air employee who helped us through the process!

Sigh. Unlearning old ways and then absorbing new ways is hard, God. Mind You, at least we now have Google Maps — and that has REALLY helped. That is, it WILL help just as soon as my wonderful husband and designated driver, Kit, learns to trust them — and me — rather than his memory.

In Los Angeles, after we reached our hotel — expertly driven there by Kit — we looked for the elevator to take us and our bags down from the second floor parking. But we couldn’t an elevator — thank goodness that was because there wasn’t an elevator! Then, after getting our room keys and trying to call the elevator, a fellow guest demonstrated that we had to swipe our room key to call it. He said he had found that out jus ten minutes before.

In situations like this, I find myself marveling how rats ever find their way around mazes. They can’t even read! But, of course, reading would only be helpful if there were signs.

Well, God, Lumosity is a useful “brain game” but nothing beats traveling!

Tagged with: exhaustion, frustration, irritation, mazes, relearning, traveling, unlearning
Posted in adjusting, awareness, connecting, learning, Life isn't supposed to be easy., mental maps

My World, Our World, One Boat

Posted on November 19, 2013 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Palms reflected on pool at Kapiolani Park

Good Morning, God!

I took this photo on Friday . . . a day with winds bringing volcanic “Vog” from the Big Island. So the sky was grey not blue. Rain clouds also contributed. I love my Hawaiian World — grey skies or blue.

Then this morning I read about a horrible storm in Sardinia. I told a friend it rained 17 inches in 3 hours. Thinking that couldn’t be right, I re-checked and found it fell in even less time — one and a half hours. Horrifying!

I fear, God, that our slowly warming world is not happy with us. Well, I am not happy with us either. Over 800 dissenting clerics have been killed by the Taliban in the last decade. I read those news items — and then I called a friend to pray.

What am I praying for, God? Many things. But perhaps most of all is that we humans could work harder at understanding one another. That we could listen with our hearts. That we could beg forgiveness for our sins and the sins of our fathers back to our great great great. . . grandfathers — for evil always has a past.

To put it in monetary terms, I pray that we could voluntarily buy less and give more. But, really, God, it goes far beyond money. Money is just an outward expression of our inner world.

I confess, God, sometimes I buy just to confirm my existence. A modern twist on the I Think, therefore I AM.

This is Our World, God. We have to live on it together. Pulling together . . . pulling in the same direction. In the book, The Boys in the Boat, an old boat maker tells one of the crew, “If there is someone in your boat that you don’t like, LEARN TO LIKE HIM.”

Our World is One Boat, God. And the rain clouds continue to gather. Please help us learn to like one another.

Tagged with: apologizing, forgiving, hearing one another, storms
Posted in Apologies, Forgiving, Hearing, Understanding, web of life

Floating: Slowly and Serenely

Posted on November 13, 2013 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Lily pond at a friend’s house

Good Morning, God!

Such a lovely lazy day. I feel as if I am floating — like a lily pad upon the water. So many ongoing responsibilities of 2013 are now completed. My wonderful Mother is with You. My job renovating a library at a retirement residence is almost done. I have cataloging to tidy up . . . but all the collections of books fit . . . with room to grow.

This time — my third time to retire — it doesn’t feel like a transition so much as a familiar and cherished destination. I am beginning to appreciate rest.

Actually, God, You know that resting is HARD for me. I am truly a child of my time. Fast has been defined as fun. Slow has been lumped with tedious. Oh foolish foolish me!

This morning in chatting with June, my spiritual director, I thought of how I water my house plants with ice cubes. I do that because as the ice melts, the water is released slowly enough for the roots to absorb almost all of it. The same amount simply poured on the plant would quickly pass by the roots, providing almost no nourishment.

My first realization is 1) I am like my plants. As I sit in Centering Prayer I want to see myself slowly absorbing Your Love. The second realization is: 2) The part doing the absorbing is my Spiritual Being. I used to call it my Unconscious. But that label demeans its extent, its complexity and its importance. That seems self-evident now. But, it came as a shock when I heard myself say it this morning.

I am praying, God, that my Conscious Mind will continue to grow in respect and appreciation — for the Whole of me — and for the Whole of Your Creation.

Tagged with: a slower pace, centering prayer, my Spiritual Being, Prayer, rest, retirement, transitions
Posted in Centering Prayer, compassion to care for myself, connecting, LOVE, Prayer, slow incremental change

Dark and Light in Daily Life

Posted on November 9, 2013 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Hibiscus in dark and light

Good Day, God!

Ah, our emotions — our feelings — can darken “reality” or lighten it. I suppose that is why folks are urged not to make important decisions after the death of a loved one.

I cannot say I am in darkness, God. But, I am in a Time of Tiredness. I am thankful for it — as without it, my nature would embark on doing what I love best. And what I love best (or close to best) is sharing. So, DRUM ROLL please: I have turned down two opportunities to TALK to folks. Talking LIVE is an adrenaline high. It is very hard for me to resist that sense of enthusiasm flowing through me.

I can hardly believe I said “Not NOW”. I hope they remember to ask me again, later. But, meanwhile, I can share in this quiet blogging way. Sharing without feeding my adrenaline addiction.

David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell

So, I am sitting here and feeling relaxed and content. I have finally gotten into the flow of juicing. Today I selected purple cabbage, pineapple, cilantro, basil, collard greens and lemons. I forgot I also had ginger and turmeric. I shall add them to the mix this afternoon. I am feeling as if I might be able to get my body back on the less-is-more track.

And, I have just finished Malcolm Gladwell‘s latest book, David and Goliath. I think Gladwell has done more to add to my collection of Cognitive Maps than any other writer I can think of.

This time my main addition was the idea of the inverted U curve — situations when more makes things better . . . then has no effect . . . and then even more makes things worse. This would apply to punishment, to smaller class size, and probably even to my desire to become more efficient or trimmer. Hmm.