Using My Mistakes/Wounding to rebuild

Posted on January 18, 2018 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Night God,

Believing as deeply as I do that You love us . . . I am coming to believe that my Painful, Long Hidden — Wrong Responses — can be used to help me rebuild. The idea seems to be that when one of these Dark Spots surfaces I can go back into it. Be with my Wounded/Wounding Self. Feel with it. And then ask — if you could do this over again – what would you do?

Sometimes a response comes quickly . . . sometimes I sit grieving with my Earlier Self and wondering what could I have done. But, the very act of Being With . . . is rebuilding more than I know.

Once I feel clear on what I wish I had done . . . I make it my Intention. Somehow that helps. I have rebuilt or maybe re-welcomed a Locked up Part of me. It is a beginning. And that beginning ripples out — wider and deeper than I know.

Here is a poem after Centering:

Intentions are outside of Time

I didn’t know that
Maybe I still don’t
How can that be?

Because Intentions reside in a
Deeper Safer Place

Oh😊 I like that!

We are always connected
And we can go back
Via Courage and Compassion
To Dark Spots and gently ask
Our younger Frozen self
Now that I am with you
Let us imagine
What we MIGHT have done?

It may come in a flash
Of knowing

Or perhaps we need to stay there with
The Wounded/Wounding One
Stay until SHE CAN imagine a better response

And then choose that as her INTENTION
BUT, does that change anything?

It is THE START OF CHANGING
And its Power Ripples
Throughout the DEPTH

Tagged with: Deeper Safer Place
Posted in Choosing to respond, Compassion, connecting, courage, God's Time, Intentions, recovery time, self care as self compassion and humility, self-compassion, time

All Is Well With My Soul

Posted on January 17, 2018 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Art Museum on MLK day Good Evening, God!

I’m toward the end of my Second Instructional Illness — I hope. It was several months ago when I “heard” You say, “You can stay home on Tuesdays and Fridays or you can have a series of instructional illnesses.” That got my attention! And I did manage to stop a longstanding meeting on my Fridays. And, mostly, I don’t have anything that I do on those days — regularly. I do however, add in an occasional This or That. Yes, it is true I add them with some frequency. So, is that part of the reason for my protracted ear infection?

Yes, but, here is a Key Point: I was on the Mainland for 33 days this Fall tending to family business. Actually, I was working on Remedial Mothering. How could I not go? Yes, I guess “trusting my daughter to You” was a passive sort of option. But it was so CLEAR that I was TO GO! As always, it turned out that I was not going just to “help” her but for myself to BE HELPED! I had holes in my soul that needed mending. My visit took me on a difficult inward journey toward integration and wholeness.

However, it did massively drain my Inner Battery.

The word Growing fails utterly to capture the wrenching seismic upheavals I went through. I came home thankful but so very depleted. I thought I was smart taking One Whole Week off to “recover” when I returned home. One Week? How woefully inadequate!

I needed MORE time off and this illness has forced me to cancel . . . more and more. And letting go of Doing Things I Love . . . has been a Lovely Lesson. I’m grateful! And I’m learning that these lessons are mostly so I will love myself more. They are not so You will love me more! You already love infinitely.

Just now as I was climbing the stairs after dinner I was flooded with a Profound Sense of Wellness — sick or not. I am WELL. Truly, All is WELL with my SOUL!

Tagged with: All is well with my soul, Inner Battery, Remedial Mothering
Posted in Abundant Life, accepting my ability to REDESIGN, accepting my authority to set limits, accepting my need for help, connecting, gratitude, health, Lessons, LOVE, The Flow of God's Love, Wellness

Continuing to Grow

Posted on January 16, 2018 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Morning, God!

My first walk in weeks! A persistent ear infection has left me VERY aware of my need to rebuild and recover. I know that moving . . . using the body . . . is part of healing. But, I just wanted to curl up and nap. So, I am thankful for my wonderful husband Kit walking with me around the middle sized loop in our valley. My mindset is definitely on self care and self encouragement.

And speaking of Mindsets — yesterday a friend brought Carol Dweck’s book Mindset: The New Psycology of Success,to the book group I was with and asked if anyone had read it? I said that I had. And she turned on me saying, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT?!”

Gosh, I thought I had raved about it in a blog or two several years ago. But that didn’t cut it! I was guilty of failing to SHARE!

So, we are reading Mindset for our February meeting. And I am eager to reread it. I want to see if Dr. Dweck says anything about how difficult/painful/exhausting it is to grow in ways that violate inner norms.

It isn’t idle curiosity.This fall I did just that. WOW! I had no idea how much support I would need to speak openly about “taboo” topics.

This morning, looking at the beautiful guava blossom I realized that we humans don’t follow the annual cycle of growth and reproduction that plants do. Golly, this morning I read about a banded albatross who at 67 years of age had a healthy chick. OK OK I’m not into THAT MUCH GROWTH!

But, it is sad that so many of us feel DONE at 21. You are never done with us. Always You long to participate with us in our molting and growing and expanding!

Tagged with: Carol Dweck, Mindset
Posted in a hand up, choosing HARD, connecting, growing toward up, Growth Opportunities, Helpful Hards, Persistence, Personal Responsibilty, Perspective, the Growth Mindset

Learning from Regret

Posted on January 10, 2018 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A KEY QUESTION (a meditation after Centering)

If I could do it over again . . .
What would I do?

This question is key to Learning From Regret
Was there a point at which I could have Turned?

To Repent Is to Turn Around

To indulge in repentance simply as a dreadful feeling
is to miss the pivot point!

To miss or Once again slide past
A Moment of Being Awake

Aware that I TOOK A VERY BAD STEP
A MISTAKE!!!!
All systems SHOUT!!!
ALARM BELLS SOUND @#$$#@#$$
MISTAKE!!! MISTAKE!!! MISTAKE!!!

And each time I hear those warning bells
I am given a choice

Do I Hunker Back Down into Not Knowing?

What could/ should I have then then?
And – harder still
WHAT CAN I DO NOW?

Tagged with: accepting freedom through repentance, purposes of regret
Posted in a hand up, a prayer for healing, being a Slow Learner, Centering Prayer, Changing, Choosing Meaning, Choosing to respond, connecting, Possibilities, Regret -- acknowledging and releasing it, Repentance, responding to "nudges", responding to God's Spirit, Rethinking

Artisans of the Common Good

Posted on January 7, 2018 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

image from reaching out Vietnam

Good Day, God!

Pope Francis said it so well. We are all Artisans of the Common Good. I love that phrase! It embraces us ALL. All of us “ordinary folk” are welcomed into the Creative Pool. Given the Title of Artisan, and given a task truly worthy of each of us — to work on creating The Common Good.

David Brooks took it and wrote about How Would Jesus Drive. Bringing our calling into better focus. As I pondered how I might become a better artisan I thought of the Five Small Steps that I had intended to be for “managers” and other leaders. But, hey, God, they are for ALL of us.

Names — calling someone by their name implies you are seeing them as a fellow human being . . . worth of respect. Learn and use names.
Thank You — we all need appreciation and recognition . . . and a simple Thank You . . . when done with eye contact and a smile . . . does that.
Please Excuse Me — lawyers say never apologize but statistic show fewer law suits when we do apologize. A heartfelt apology makes it so much easier to extend forgiveness.
What Do You Think? — This simple phrase invites folks IN . . . into participation and solution finding/creating.
What Do We Do Now? we so often take the wrong turn, get lost, and our first reaction is often to blame others. How much more fruitful to ask one another “What do we do now? Where do we go next?”

Maybe I should mount these on my mirror? Or a wall . . . Or? Well, we shall see.

Thank You, God, for Pope Francis.

Tagged with: "Artisans of the Common Good", Five Small Steps, Pope Francis
Posted in connecting, Creating, creativity in loving service, LOVE, Our Extended Family - all creatures great and small, The daily details of love

A Brand New Year

Posted on January 1, 2018 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A part of a study for Oz by Frank Moore

Happy New Year, God!

First, Thank You for the year past . . . a year in which I actually took some growth steps! Who knew how incredibly scary it was to violate family taboos and actually Speak the Truth in Love! WOW! And I could not have done it without constant support and pressure.

Secondly, just a brief riff on me as a Time Based Creature — daring to chat with YOU the Creator of Time/Non Time and well, everything! A tribute, God, to my sense of Your Enormous Love and Compassion for all of us . . . each of us. I’m learning that Your definition of Love is BIGGER than mine. A double WOW!

And then to the image above. It’s a portion of a study of Frank Moore’s work, Oz. I resonated with it. Sheesh! I have BEEN in that image! Pushing, Pulling and Lugging around STUFF. Worse yet, wanting to defend it. Yuck!

And, as it is a New Year and I want to GET RID OF STUFF . . . I have to stop and ponder why it is that I am attached to stuff. Some stuff is Family Stuff that I feel as if I am caregiver for. Some stuff was given to me by a loved one . . . now gone. Other stuff was purchased to bolster my sense of self worth. And don’t forget the stuff I just WANTED. Sigh.

It is so easy to Judge others as Greedy. . . but perhaps, they like me, are mostly needy. Hmm. Needy, not Greedy? Wouldn’t THAT affect how I see myself and others!

Posted in a New Year, A Spiritual Spring Cleaning, awareness, Changing, choices, choosing HARD, Choosing Meaning, Choosing to respond, courage, fears, Filling up my suitcase and my days, God wants to nourishes us, God's Attention, God's Time, growing toward up

An Invitation to Grow

Posted on December 7, 2017 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Day, God! and Hello to Peter Shankman — photo right

For years I have been aware that I am not a very good manager of myself. That “problem” is part of what made working so enjoyable! I had limits and requirements! I had to show up and pretty much DO what I had agreed to do. I loved it!

It wasn’t so much that I had a “boss” because I was incredibly fortunate to be (mostly) in collegial settings. But, I had structure and expectations which provided focus. I had accountability. Retirement has brought “freedom” . . . but a certain restlessness. And although I have friends that I admire . . . I didn’t feel as if I had a mentor or teacher just for me. A person who understood me and wanted to help me “manage” myself. Actually, I didn’t even know I wanted one.

Ah, but then I stumbled onto Peter Shankman’s book Faster Than Normal: Turbocharge Your Focus, Productivity and Success with the Secrets of the ADHD Brain. He had me on the first page where he interrupted his introduction with, OH! SHINY! I burst out laughing! The JOY of that recognition was POWERFUL! I do that mostly while walking — conversing — until I STOP to take a photo of something beautiful . . . or interesting . . . or yes, shiny.

I’ve chosen to put a photo him into this blog — because if I’m going to learn from someone — I like to do it face to face.

Tomorrow I will delve into what I’m learning and how I’m using it. Because, hey! Right now, I’m only on Chapter Three.

Tagged with: ADHD, Faster Than Normal, meaningful rules, Peter Shankman
Posted in Expand my Heart, experimentation, Flourishing, growing toward up, Growth Opportunities, interactions, Motivation, Queen of my Life, responsibility, Rethinking, role models

Growing into speaking the truth in love

Posted on December 6, 2017 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Day, God!

This drawing is of me – AKA Tutusaurus – visiting Ian, my first grandchild. Our delightful daughter Sandy drew it after my Inner Tutusaurus had revealed herself. As I look at the drawing, God, it seems to me as if my daughter has captured Your Love. You love us as we love our children and grandchildren. Now that I am older I realize that love is far more than Loving Looks. True love is hard work . . . caring enough to help the loved one develop personal responsibility, and habits of self care and self respect.

Ian is 25 now and still growing . . . much to my surprise I am being asked to grow too. I never believed in the 21 and DONE model of growth. But, I must say I really didn’t expect to be so challenged. Specifically, I am being challenged to Speak the Truth (as I see it) in Love. I had cleverly avoided knowing that I wasn’t putting much truth in with my love. DANG! How can I have been so blind? Willfully not noticing?

Because Speaking the Truth in Love takes COURAGE! That is why! Precious relationships are put on the line. I never thought about the negative correlation between how important someone is to me and how much truth I will tell. Well, lets face it God. The world is filled with examples of people speaking “truth” without much love — and being loving without hard truths being spoken. We don’t see/experience a lot of speaking the truth in love. We don’t have much to model on.

That may be true . . . but it is beside the point! Now that I understand my responsibility — I am being held to a higher standard. I guess that is what real love it. Helping to hold up a higher standard to a loved one . . . and harder yet, modeling that higher standard!

I hate having failed! But, the good news is that seeing my failures . . . and continuing to see them . . . motivates me to change and grow. Ah, this then is repentance! To see I have been doing it wrong. To stop. And slowly turn around. To confess. To make amends. To step up to the plate and swing. Day by day . . . moment by moment. Maybe, God, this is more about humility than courage?

Tagged with: 21 and Done, Rependance, speaking the truth in love, Tutusaurus
Posted in Changing, connecting, courage, courage to see myself, humility, LOVE

Being WITH

Posted on December 3, 2017 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Day, God!

I am back home now . . . having been with my daughters . . . and having an Upgraded Appreciation of what Being With means. As I sit here . . . waiting for words to form . . . I realize how much deeper Being With is . . . than words.

And my Mind . . . the SOURCE of WORDs is OFFENDED! But then, my Mind is often reluctant to credit my Body with any intelligence or any degree of knowing. I am so thankful that my Body has not yet retaliated for all this disrespect. My Body, being generous, has simply pointed out that my Mind has never been taught. Hmm.

Actually, I’m not sure I have ever been taught about this DEEP SHARING. Please help me, God. Ah! Being With is like being together in another Realm — a Realm in which our Older, Deeper Selves chat.

Oh Boy! I have never ever even considered that I might HAVE an Older, Deeper Self, God! But, it feels right. It feels GOOD! And it puts me in mind of the discovery of my Tutusaurus Self! This Self appeared while I was waiting to become a Grandmother for the very first time. I was abstracted at work. Unable to focus the way I normally was. Indeed, I was trying to explain this to a friend over lunch when I heard myself say: It is like a have a dinosaur in the basement of my brain who is worried about The Egg. The Egg turned out to be Ian . . . our first grandson.

Here is a drawing our daughter Sandy (The Mother) made of my Tutusaurus — Tutu being Hawaiian for grandma — as she arrives to welcome The Egg.

Tagged with: A Deeper Older Self, Being With, My Tutusaurus
Posted in accepting gifts sight unseen, attunement, awareness, Awe, being heard into speaking, Communication, Communion, connecting, LOVE

Learning to Sit in God’s Love

Posted on October 5, 2017 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Evening, God!

My Spiritual Director suggested I sit focusing on Your Love . . . focusing on being surrounded and embraced by Your Love. You would think that would be easy . . . I thought so . . .

But then I remembered my mother telling me that I never wanted to sit in her lap. I would wiggle down and be off . . . doing . . . busy . . . active. Not like my brother who loved snuggling.

But, nevertheless, I am sitting. I am Centering. And when my mind wanders off I gently return to Your Love. The act of tugging my wandering mind back into Your Presence is in itself a good thing. My prefrontal cortex is using “getting off track” to get some exercise!

Centering away from home is easier. I’m carried by those around me. And I’m OUT of the house and AWAY from the temptations to write a To Do or go get something, and so forth. So when I center at home I am training myself to make a List of things To Do BEFORE I center.

I am working on Centering more than once a day. And to do that I will need to work on “Structuring” my day. Structuring involves planning ahead and being intentional . . . not a drifting from one thing to the next.

One thing helping me as I begin my Centering Time is to focus on BLESSING You, God. Psalm 103 is so helpful. It seems as if my body — unlike my mind — understands the full meaning of the word Blessing. And so my body softens . . . becomes more OPEN to Your Indwelling Spirit. In fact, I’m going to stop and go down and Center right now.

Posted in Centering Prayer, Choosing Meaning, connecting, intentional and invited sacred space