Good Evening, God
Grief, no matter how long unspoken, still longs to be shared. I am experiencing this first hand. Several months ago a dear friend, who had lost her beloved son, asked me to join a Monday’s Mommy’s Mourning Group. I agreed, feeling quite confident that my grief was long past, but wanting to be helpful.
Aaah, yes. Surprise SURPRISE! There were still reservoirs of grief — pain, guilt, regret, sorrow . . . we do not have enough words such pain — waiting to be expressed. And, that Nexus of Grief, wanted ME to hear. Me, that Conscious Mind, that had gone back to work. That me, who had frozen her inner core so as not to wash away all around her with the volume of her tears.
I remember, envisioning myself as having a HUGE inner inland SEA . . . a sea of tears . . . rimmed round with ICE. Sailing ships were moored to the dock — furled sails covered in ice. I saw the ships. But I didn’t understand that they wanted to set sail and carry — a complex cargo of MEMORIES/FEELINGS/EMOTIONS and LOSS — into the outer world.
Mind You, God, I knew this quote from Shakespeare. I just didn’t understand how SOLID the WALL was that protected my Inland Sea. I grasped it cognitively. I was even able to give an historical example. If one was a member of anglo saxon shield wall, you could not scream when wounded Screaming would upset the warriors on either side. Clearly, my culture said, Die QUIETLY. And try not to bleed on others.
I am able to write this NOW, because, I am on the journey of HEARING MYSELF INTO SPEAKING. So many layers, God! So many layers of SLOWLY accepting my small human self. With help, I am beginning to grow in compassion for myself . . . and then, — slowly — the others I formally had judged so harshly. Sheesh!