Good Day, God!
Aaah! The Tangled Webs of Complexity involved in being a Human! Being here with our Oldest Daughter, Suzanne means that I am engaged in teasing out some of the strands in the Web.
Yesterday Suz took me to task for not asking for what I want. Hmm. As we discussed the matter I realized that it was worse than that. Often I don’t even let myself know what I want. Yikes!
As I pondered that, I thought of my family of origin’s Culture of Duty and Silence. Suddenly I realized that I have a Stiff-Upper-Lip application.
That brought to mind Lord Nelson and his famous words to the Fleet before the Battle of Trafalgar: “England expects that every man will do his duty.”
Doing one’s duty in a Warrior Culture means that your lip doesn’t quiver — as it does when you cry. It means that you are ruthlessly suppressing all emotions — especially fears and sorrows. And, of course, God, the most effective way to repress those feelings is to suppress them before we feel them. So, no wonder I am not monitoring and participating in my feelings enough to know what I want.
Put that together of the WASP imperative to “be nice” and “don’t rock the boat” and it is not at all surprising that I don’t ask for what I want. And that means I can’t even begin to negotiate to get close to what I want.
I guess, God, the amazing thing is that Suzanne DOES know how to ask for what she wants! Thank You for that! And now I am smiling, remembering what a friend told me long ago: “Every Family should have a Suzanne.” Even better, every family should know how to make use of a Suzanne. That takes time, God. And it takes Your Help.