At Home — Hovering between OFF and SLOW

Posted on August 30, 2010 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

An orchid in my kitchen

Good Morning, God!

Here I am, curled up in my bed — occasionally coughing — and SO THANKFUL that I had the wit (read: humility) to cancel all my Monday appointments. Doing that was a big deal. Somehow, I take my “showing up as promised” way too seriously. I mean, would anyone WANT to be around me with my coughing and nose blowing?

Still, a commitment IS a commitment! Except, You point out, for the commitments I make to me and to You. Yes, God. That is true.

I guess I feel that You and I will understand and forgive. AND OTHERS WON’T? Hmmm. What springs to mind is the Anglo Saxon shield wall. Warriors standing side by side — together — protecting each other while resisting the onslaught of the enemy. Your colleagues on either side DEPENDED ON YOU. You had to hold your place — hold your section of ground. And if you were wounded? You fought on — as best you could — and never ever complained.

Yes! That is it! That is the WASP / Warrior genome. Shoot! I’ve been BRED to this! I feel like some sort of dog — bred to point or retrieve. Dang! I feel proud, foolish, and helpless all at the same time! A prisoner of a thousand years of breeding.

Ah, but God! You wait, every day, for us to be about the business of BECOMING — becoming New Creatures in Christ.

I’m lying here — aware of how much You long to help us grow — grow even out of our cultural virtues. But, let’s be honest here. It is that picking-up-my-CROSS thing. I don’t even like having a cold.

So? Being part of a Shield Wall — dying quietly while fighting on — that’s OK. But some new or unexpected “cross” scares me? How humiliating! How human. Oh me of little faith or trust — PLEASE GOD, HELP ME TRUST YOU!