A New Start for a New Year

Posted on December 31, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Christmas lights in marina Good Evening, God!

New Year’s Eve . . . and I am smiling in anticipation of a New Year . . . yet another chance to molt and explore other options. Yes, of course, I do realize that I can make changes at any given moment. I don’t have to wait for New Year! But, with the tradition of New Year’s “resolutions,” one gets a helpful cultural push.

My wonderful husband Kit and I just finished a rewarding visit with our oldest daughter — who is one of my very best friends. I made the most of our time together! I have listener genes — as well as talker genes — and Suz and I outdid ourselves in the number of words spoken and heard.

And Kit outdid himself by suggesting that we three go up to the Top of the I (the 25 floor of the Ilikai overlooking the harbor) for dinner last night — the night before Suz left. That is what Kit and I did the night before the Honolulu Marathon and he wanted to share the experience with Suz. She was touched and delighted!

It was a lovely evening and it has been mostly a lovely year for us. But it has also been a very full year. And what I want now — more than anything else — is to lavish time and attention on Kit and on myself.

So I have canceled my regular activities and outings for the first two days of the year. I will stay home and see/discover what sorts of things might constitute lavishing attention on myself. I am suspecting that some of the things will surprise me as my definitions of self care are starting to morph.

So thank You, God, for 2015 and for new insights for 2016. Please help us ALL make better choices . . . in caring for ourselves and others!

Posted in a New Year, a series of molts and upgrades, connecting, self care as maintenance, self care as self compassion and humility

Merry Christmas 2016

Posted on December 25, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

fireworks

Merry Christmas, God!

Aah, now that is a funny greeting. I suppose it ought to be Thank You for Christmas! Thank You for designing such an incredible way of showing forth Your Love! Such a beautiful way of creeping into our hearts . . . as a baby . . . after all we are wired to love and care for infants . . . puppies, kittens . . .

I can feel You now — loving me as I am, while encouraging me to sit up straighter — because it is better for me. Oh, my! Love is so full of soft and hard. Yet, even (or especially?) the Hards are for our benefit.

Laughing! You are laughing . . . and if I had Your Perspective . . . I would laugh too. But, You are crying, too, aren’t You. And MORE! How was it that old theologians thought You didn’t experience emotions? Hm. For centuries emotions were shoved off onto women . . . men had to be logical and rational . . . and do unbearable things . . . how COULD they feel?

As I sit — slightly straighter — I marvel that we think we might comprehend You. You are like the light of this firework — multicolored and ever shifting. And, bright and beautiful! And we humans only see a very small percentage of the electromagnetic waves that comprise visible light.

Aah. Yet, You want us to know and receive Your Love! You keep on keeping on . . . wanting us to stop our foolishness and open to You. To become –day by day — moment by moment — new creatures in You.

Posted in connecting

Close to Christmas

Posted on December 23, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

June entering service

Good Evening, God!

I love that verse in Revelations where Jesus says “I stand at the door and knock. . .” I love it because it speaks to me of how You are always wanting to come closer to us . . . loving us AS we are and WHERE we are.

Ah, but God, I so often feel like the person in this photo. I am not opening the door. I am not stopping my busyness. Hm. In truth, I am avoiding You. Not because You are harsh and judgmental . . . but because I am harsh and judgmental. Mostly of my own dear self.

Our beloved oldest daughter is here for Christmas and we were talking of times and traumas past and she said to me, “Mom you were only 27! You were so young! How can you be so hard on yourself!”

Oh. 27? Yikes! That really is young. And her loving reminder really did help. I was young. And, perhaps, God, we as a species are still Very Young.

That is consoling. And, as we approach Christmas . . . I once again feel the gap between Your Love for us and our love for ourselves and each other. I am in need of consoling.

Somehow, I imagined I would be more grown up by now. Actually, I thought I was grown up at 17.

How foolish! I still have miles to go and hopefully years to go — on this amazing journey. So, thank You for Your comforting and consoling love. After all, I am still so very young.

Tagged with: consoling, growing toward up, judging, maturing
Posted in connecting

The Monster from the Black Lagoon

Posted on December 10, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

images (1)

Good Evening, God!

Just the other day I was talking with my spiritual director about my Reptilian Brain . . . which I jokingly referred to as “The Monster from the Black Lagoon.” Almost immediately I “saw” an image of my Monster (looking a lot like this triceratops) being led out of the toxic black lagoon into a clear deep salt water pool. Hm.

I had always seen my reptilian brain (we ALL have them) as something to be kept pushed down into the depths . . . I hadn’t thought about what a toxic environment that was for her. In fact, I hadn’t ever thought about her as a creature deserving respect.

As she soaked in the clean salt water I realized that She was my Energy Source. I need her. And I need her healthy and connected to You, God. Gosh, I had isolated her. Kept her in solitary confinement. No wonder she was scary!

Now, as I am in the process of getting to know her I am humbled, God.

My prefrontal cortex thought she was all I needed . . . telling me to fear my Reptilian Brain. . . how arrogant . . . how foolish . . . how sad. You expect us to respect one another and to work together.

Hm. Right now my Reptilian Brain (I must ask her name) is saying go to bed . . . got to sleep. More on this later.

Posted in connecting

In the Womb of God

Posted on December 6, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

eggplant flowers

Good Evening, God!

Your love for us humans is so hard for us to grasp. We know ourselves, God, and therefore we doubt. Sigh.

But recently I found out the the Hebrew word for Compassion (Rachamin) comes for the root word rechem which means womb. Yes, Womb. Wow! When You feel compassion for us is like Your are enfolding us in Your Womb.

Learning this fact kind of made me quiver all over with delight.

A Mother’s womb does two major functions: 1) supplies nutrients needed for growth 2) carries away waste products that would be toxic to the infant. And as we pray . . . center . . . seek to connect with You . . . You do both of those!

Forgiving is less difficult when we feel embraced by Your Love. After a 10 day silent retreat this September I felt cleaner . . . so many regrets and resentments had been released.

I’ve often thought that to You we are all toddlers . . . and toddlers can be forgiven much. But, it is far more than that, God. We are like fetuses — that undeveloped! And that beloved. I remember being pregnant and talking to my baby . . . loving each one so dearly . . . loving them while still unseen.

I came out of a male dominant world . . . so picturing Your Compassion as being not just in Your Lap but in Your Womb . . . is a marvelously healing image for me. I am smiling. I am thankful.

Posted in connecting, developing helpful definitions of love, Forgiving, growing toward up, healing, LOVE, The Flow of God's Love

A Jubilee Year of Mercy!

Posted on December 2, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Evening, God,

What a delight to find that starting December 8 we (well, I guess anyone who wants to join in) will be in A Holy Year of Mercy. Pope Francis declared his intention back in April but the church calendar doesn’t turn over until12/8 and the start of Advent.

So, here we are (almost) in a Jubilee Year of Mercy. And our species really needs it! Hey, I need it too!

Actually, I was thinking that what we humans really need is a Year of Repentance. A Year of doing a fearless moral inventory and asking, God, for Your Help in cleaning us up. But, I suppose that IS part of this Jubilee Year. After all, I NEED to receive mercy! I need to more fully understand how I have hurt — or failed to help — those around me.

I heard Professor Fred Luskin give a talk on Letting Stuff Go (forgiving) and the line that stuck with me was: “Everyday all the people around us have to be busy forgiving US for who we are.” So much mercy flowing over us!

Today for the first time in pondering the story of the Good Samaritan I saw myself not just as the Levite walking by on the other side . . . but as the one beaten and wounded lying by the side of the road.

My wounds are very small. Mostly, my wounds are because someone I care about has been hurt. Small or not, I am still wounded and need help to heal.

Perhaps healing comes before — or along with — forgiving. They seem linked together. So, as I look around me — at my Wounded and Wounding Species — I think how important it is to focus on Mercy. Your Mercy and compassion are continuously flowing out — waiting for us to receive it — and pass it on.

Tagged with: forgiving, Forgiving is Healing, healing, mercy, Repentance
Posted in confession, connecting

Perspective and Compassion

Posted on November 28, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Three stars and the other lights are Galaxies

Dear God,

I often wonder HOW You can love us here on Planet Earth when You have trillions of stars and galaxies in the Palm of Your Hand. But, the other day my spiritual director asked me to ponder how You felt about us . . . or something like that. I was swept up into a state of Deep Contemplation. And I felt — in every cell — that You care far more deeply than I can imagine for each one of us. You have overwhelming compassion for every one of us!

And I realized that You love me much more than I love myself.

So, I have been wondering, HOW do I love myself? I mean what does that kind of love look like? One thought I took back with me was that You want us to keep Learning/Growing. Not so much Head Learning as Heart Learning.

Then, just today I read an article in YES Magazine on “How to Build a Culture of Good Health.” I loved it! Good Health truly is a family/community affair. Loneliness really does kill. But my favorite take away from the article was: Give yourself, as best you can, what your parents would have loved to grant you but probably could not: full-hearted attention, full-minded awareness, and compassion. Make gifting yourself with these qualities your daily practice.

I’m smiling. Full-hearted attention can make even brushing my teeth an act of love. Thank You, God, for all the Love and Full-Hearted Attention You keep pouring over us.

Posted in Compassion, compassion to care for myself, connecting, health, LOVE, self care as self compassion and humility, The daily details of love, The Flow of God's Love

Our Paris, Our World

Posted on November 15, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

The Eiffel Tower

Good Night, God!

There is such a Rising Tide of Hate, Dear God, that I fear for our species. I would like to say the hate is from Other People, Other Countries, other Cultures. But, I have seen it here in America.

Actually, God, when Our Dear Paris was attacked I felt it too . . . hatred burning a hole in my heart.

But, that was exactly what the terrorist want. They want to inspire fear . . . and then hate. After all, that is the primary purpose of hate — to create more hate.

What to do? I like to hope, God, that we are all asking ourselves What To Do? Dragnets are going out to pick up suspects. And I hope they do a good job. But, I just watched an interview with a Green Beret who said hate and violence really doesn’t work well. During his second tour in Afghanistan he realized that there were MORE Taliban than when we had started.

He offers practical tips on how to deal with terrorism. It is a video that we all should watch.

As for myself — I see countries with a high percentage of unemployed young men — and I see trouble. Meaningful work that provides a sense of self respect and a feeling of hope for the future is essential! How is it God, that creating this kind of useful meaningful work doesn’t seem to be anyones responsibility?

Is it because there is no monetary profit in it? Let me see — profit? or the continuation of civilization?

Tagged with: hate, hope, meaningful work, our response?, Paris, terrorism
Posted in connecting

On the Road again . . .

Posted on November 4, 2015 by a moment with god — 2 Comments

A Sequoia Tree and Me

Good Evening, God!

Ah, a wonderful Road Trip . . . we are just finishing up part 8 of a 10 part trip. Our oldest daughter, Suzanne, after Tisk Tisking about WHAT WERE WE THINKING did agree that it would have been hard to do anything much different. It all started out with planning to go to my Stanford Reunion. Then daughter Sandy pointed out that she was running the Nike Women’s half marathon the weekend before in San Francisco and wouldn’t we come up a few days early and cheer her on.

Of course we wanted to do that. Then we had a few days before the reunion and so I invited ourselves up to see my brother and sister-in-law in Grass Valley. Then back down to Stanford for my reunion. After that I had planned four nights in Sequoia. But my wonderful husband Kit said Hey! Let’s go to Yosemite too! Actually, God, he insisted.

And amazingly enough there was a vacancy at the Wawona Lodge! So, we saw Half Dome and drove up to Glacier Point and lunched at the Ahwahnee. Lovely memories as we had honeymooned in Yosemite.

Then down to Sequoia and magnificent old trees . . . 3,000 years old . . . amazing! I wondered God, if the trees talk to each other. It felt to me as if there was communion — if not communication — there in the rich, full, silence. The silence felt like music that I couldn’t quite make out. I loved it.

Next was Santa Barbara for a visit with Kit’s brother Dick and wife Larie –plus brunch with our niece Judy and her husband Steve. So good to connect! We are too scattered. Then a wonderful two day birthday celebration in L.A. with Suzy and then a flight over to Tucson to see Sandy and grandson Ian . . . Mark is at Rice and Dave is in Portugal.

Each stop filled with joyful memories and hundreds of photos, too. I am ever so grateful, God! Thank You!

Posted in connecting

The Road Home — into Forgiveness and Love

Posted on October 10, 2015 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

A lake in the Arapaho National Forest seen on the drive back from Aspen to Denver

Good Evening, God

This lovely lake looks so smooth and calm. Ah, but what is going on underneath? What is going on in my Unconscious? I think it was Fr. Rohr who quoted Jung as saying, “The face we turn to our unconscious is the face we turn toward the world.” I really got that, God.

Now that my Gut is feeling forgiven by You, I am not nearly as judgmental of my deeper self . . . or for that matter . . . of others. This Gut thing is really big, God. As I understand it, all that silence and stillness really gave the Cleanup and Repair neurological software (aka our parasympathetic nervous system) a chance to kick in and do some deep emotional healing.

So on Day 4 when I read a quote from Billy Graham saying, “I’m just a simple farm boy. You don’t have to know what it means ‘that Jesus died for your sins’ — I don’t. Just accept that it’s true.” It HIT me. Oh, I don’t have to understand. I just have to accept!

I was filled with a vast joy and went to bed and fell into a deep sleep. The next morning I took this event out and pondered it during the stillness. And My Mother Cat — the part of me that has been very unhappy with me for 34 years for my not keeping our daughter Patty from dying from cancer — hopped up into my lap, purred, and then put a paw on each shoulder and licked my face.

Apparently, God, My Mother Cat had received forgiveness, too. And since she was forgiven she could reach out and forgive me.

Now, God, I can hear You (and others) saying, “But surely you knew you were forgiven years ago?” And, yes, My Mind knew. And, I think My Heart knew, too. But, it seems that My Gut did not know. And I guess My Mother cat lives in My Gut.