Good Morning, God
Well, this becoming SOLO after 65 years together — is filled with Surprises! At first I thought I was doing just fine. Actually, after the “waiting”. After the intensity of having to admit / face Kit is now in Home Hospice — After accepting that he isn’t going to get better!!!! There was a peace in knowing THAT PART was OVER. And that Kit was “continuing to grow in the presence of Your everlasting light and love”.
What I did not realize was how much Kit had given me — right up to the end. Having him hold my hand in a strong and loving grip. Having him tell me “You are so beautiful”. Singing “You are my Sunshine” with me . . . cocooning me in LOVE.
Apparently, this cocoon, was so nourishing that even though I would have mini bursts of cries of pain and anguish –mostly I felt OK. The residual love lingered on continuing to comfort me and stabilizing me.
The first thing I became aware of was my reduced energy level. One day I was functioning close to “normal”. The next day I would run out of gas . . . off and on . . . during the day. Then I would be “fine”. All of these UPs and DOWNs without a discernible pattern.
And, since I am monumentally not self aware, it took me a long time notice the FEELINGS of LOSS. Being inexplicably irritated, or SENSITIVE. Then after not being ABLE to talk with most people. I noticed — just this Saturday — I was lonely! Yikes! I had not felt lonely since Kit and I moved to Berkeley and he was at work all day! GOOD HEAVENS!!! But when I was asked IF I was lonely . . . I said, no, not lonely…I feel unheard. But yes! I am Lonely Ah yes, BOTH!
There is a vast assortment of stimuli involved in all this. Yes, sorrow is part of it. Grief at not having him WITH ME. But it is so much MORE! My Life as I had known it — has been FRAGMENTED. The center I revolved around is GONE. Sometimes it feels like “normal” is slowly dissolving all around me. At other time it feels like my “reality” has been blown to bits. And all the words I had heard about loss and grief just didn’t fit.
Then I went to the Episcopal Church near me –to their Service of Healing. And I heard: and uphold by the grace and consolation of your Holy Spirit those who are bereaved.
BEREAVED. That word felt big enough . . . or old fashioned enough to HOLD ME. And better yet, it showed me upon Whom to LEAN. To You be ALL PRAISE and GLORY.
Story teller,
A Moment with God 
Leave a comment