Together At Last

Posted on December 29, 2024 by a moment with god — 3 Comments

Good Morning, God,

This photo is of our beloved Patty with her wonderful Daddy, Kit, after they had both finished the 1979 Honolulu Marathon. Patty went on to be with YOU on June 20, 1981. And my beloved Kit joined YOU on December 27, 2024. A day that happened to be the 110th anniversary of my mother’s birth. Sigh. They are now together….

Being separated from my loving companion of 65 years is DIFFICULT. But, as You have done so many times in the past, You have now given me a much-needed REFRAME. Instead of feeling that the connection between Kit and me is broken, I simply feel that our connection has been stretched and lengthened. Kit and I are still connected. It is just that he is also Part of that Great Cloud of Witnesses.

Once one is gripped by just a bit more of the depth and complexity of reality — then that “both/and” seems almost obvious.

In September 1981, when I was picturing Patty in her last days — and overcome with grief — I heard a loud voice! “STOP!!! THE PATTY YOU SEE IS NOT THE TRUE PATTY. THE TRUE PATTY IS VIBRANT AND RADIANT AND ALIVE AND WITH ME [GOD]!!!”

And I have absolutely no doubt that DECLARATION is true for Kit as well. I daresay that C.S. Lewis might say it is even a bit of an understatement.

For the last several months, whenever I would say “Praise God,” Kit would always complete the phrase by saying, “From Whom ALL Blessings Flow!”

And now I proclaim, with great thanksgiving: Praise You God, From Whom All Blessings Flow.

Tagged with: god, Love, reframing death
Posted in a hand up, a matter of scale, a series of molts and upgrades, Abundant Life, accepting gifts sight unseen, accepting my ability to REDESIGN, Assurances, Cloud of Witnesses, LOVE, reframing, The Endless Flow of God's Love

A Time out of Time

Posted on December 7, 2024 by a moment with god — 2 Comments

Good Morning God,

This photo is of Kit on August 11, 2024. We are flying back to Tucson from a weekend in Costsa Mesa to attend the Celebration of Life for our dear sister in law — Barba Nurse. We had just moved to Tucson in Mid July and I wasn’t at all certain we could make the Celebraton.

I picked this photo of Kit because being in Hospice with my wonderful Kit, feels a bit like being “in flight”. We are on the plane and our destination is labeled — if not truly understood. But, how long is the flight to be? And what will the “landing” be like? These are not known.

The marvel of this hospice / flight is that Kit has no named illness — no pain — and no fear. And this seems miraculous to me. But, puzzling. Aren’t people supposed to die of something? But that invokes a false sense of causality. The Chinese healer who once helped my mom said it best: All Dry Up!

Even being “all dry up” Kit is still a marvelous healer. When we were in the hospital they said he had fluid in his lungs and they said he needed oxygen. But after a few weeks at home he didn’t need the oxygen and a few weeks later the nurse said his lungs sounded fine. Then there was a period when he was afraid of “falling out of bed”. But mixing the contents of 3 glycine pills, 3 inositol and one taurine in a pint of water and giving it to him daily has so far banished the fear.

As for his heart? Kit was offered surgery twice — for two different problems — and refused it. But, all the tests in the hospital found nothing wrong with his heart. Indeed, his emotional heart is amazing! Kit is managing to always be kind, loving and appreciative through all of this. I marvel at him. I did not think it possible to admire him more or love him more. But I am.

I just reread a poem from long ago — The One Hoss Shay — about a horse drawn carriage so carefully made that there was no “weakest part” — so that when it reached its end, it just all collapsed at the same time. That One Hoss Shay seems to be very much like my Kit. Still, nothing lasts forever. That is a fact I am nose to nose with now.

Still my Lovey Bear and I fly along . . . not so high and not so clear . . . but still thankful and happy to be together.

Tagged with: Reframing Hospice
Posted in a hand up, connecting, gratitude, LOVE, Lovingkindness, thankfulness, Thanksgiving!, the gift of persistent love

On An Unfamiliar Path

Posted on November 10, 2024 by a moment with god — 3 Comments

Hi God,

You have set my feet on an unfamiliar path. Not that accompanying a loved one to death is unfamiliar. After all, I walked that path with our daughter Patty back in June of 1981. But I am learning that it is a different path for spouses — especially for a wife of 65 years. Different HOW . . . I ask myself. Both loved ones — being entrusted into Your Hands. . . yes . . . but . . .

Then this morning, as oldest daughter Suzanne was taking me on our morning walk, she helped me understand. My wonderful husband Kit has run 57 marathons. And I have been there to meet him at the finish of each one. That is my JOB. That is WHAT I DO.

And now, as Kit runs his final (metaphorical) marathon, I feel such a strong pull to once again meet him after he finishes. It is a pull that both our daughters sense in me. They sense it more than I do. It is as if I am compelled by some primal force to be with him on the Other Side of the Finish Line. This Force is buried DEEP within me. It does not reveal itself. It just IS.

YIKES! I must say . . . it was a shock to discover this inner FORCE. Consciously, God, I am counting on YOU meeting Kit on the other side of the Finish Line. Not me! But, this Primal Part feels puzzled. Donʻt I always meet him after a marathon? So, I try to share this with Kit. I try to give this Thing words. More for my sake than Kitʻs.

I need help. And I have turned for help — not so much to my rational thinking part as to another Primal Part of myself. Not the Wife, but The Mother! I tell myself we have two amazing daughters and two wonderful grandsons. I need to be HERE for them. Am I needed? It does not matter. I perceive myself as essential.

I am smiling now, God. As it comes to me that our beloved country is also on an unfamiliar path. Turning, ever so slowly toward a major change. May I — may all of us — choose to Walk with You as we seek to be more aware . . . more trusting and more in tune with Your Love.

Sigh, what I really need is to trust You enough to let the Holy Spirit FLOW through me. . . helping me to let go of a much beloved past. Helping me to build — with faith and love — a New Story.

Tagged with: Faith, god, journey, marathon, Running
Posted in Death, Holy Spirit, letting the Holy Spirit flow through us, LOVE, Marathons, Mothers, My Wife App, The daily details of love, the importance of Grandmothers, trust, Trusting God

Adjusting …and readjusting

Posted on October 4, 2024 by a moment with god — 2 Comments

Good Morning, God

This is a photo of me . . . sitting on our front patio . . . enjoying the reflections of both our back patio and the Santa Catalina mountains. It comes close to capturing the multiple facets of my life right now. The marvelous mountains to our north. The back patio with (at last) a gardenia bush! The joy of sitting in the early morning sunlight. All the while my heart hurts and yearns over my beloved Kit. Kit who is in an adjustable bed waiting for the nurse to come and change his superpubic catheter.

After a fall getting out of bed a month or so ago . . . fear has entangled him. Ah, Lord God, the demons of fear have been loosed upon our little planet. They urge me to sell our townhouse . . . NOW . . .while there are still buyers. Or is that prudence? They are surely neighbors.

And how about Fear and Me? Sigh, ITS hold has been lessoned as a Super Duper Helper has arrived on the scene and helped me let go of being totally “in charge” of everything.

It is hard to give up the illusion of being “in charge”. To accept help. To relax into letting go. To WELCOME all that comes to me today . . . because I know it is for my healing.

It is one small “adjustment” after another. Bringing me closer to You. Closer to my dear and imperfect self. As if, I could ever break free of my culture and give up the concept of perfect. Hmm, I think I read somewhere that the Greek word referred to being “responsive” . . . and perhaps that is our “JOB” to become more aware . . . more responsive . . to You . . . to one another . . . to the Greater Reality!

Posted in adjusting, awareness, Balancing and adjustments, Choosing to respond, connecting, Grief, LOVE, personal responsibility, Responding, responding to "nudges", responding to God's Spirit, The daily details of love, The Endless Flow of God's Love, Unnoticed Changes

An Illuminated Cactus

Posted on September 16, 2024 by a moment with god — 2 Comments

Good Evening, God

Having had contact with a prickly pear fruit I have a new respect for cactus. Water is scarce. They contain water — therefore they must protect themselves. With the prickly pear I was fooled. It had visible thorns — which I carefully avoided. It was the invisible thorns that got me! Fortunately, Dan (the guy who was in charge of all the fixes that had to be done before we moved in) was near by and suggested I try using tape to get them off. Sure enough! Duct tape grabbed ahold and I pulled them out.

Oddly enough, I made a similar mistake about what was bitting me. It was only two or three bites. And I could see two holes close together — clearly a spider!!! So I read about getting rid of spiders and sprayed our bed room with apple cider vinegar. Two weeks or so later — more bites. This time I contracted with a pest control agency and relaxed. But, then two or three weeks later more bites! In fact, I was awakened 5 times durning the worst night by BITES!!!

I confess, I was ready to bite someone myself as I called the Pest People. They sent out an expert inspector and he did a fabulous job! Turning mattresses upside down — crawling under beds — I was impressed! And …..he found One Carpet Beetle! I am not sure how I got the idea that I was being attacked by “No See Ups” or biting midges. They are too small to see. But like the thorns of the same size — painful. The bites inflame into red blotches with itch and take two weeks to heal. And guess what? They LOVE the vinegar that I sprayed our bedroom with. Sigh….. How easy it is — to make things worse.

But, all this is as nothing. My beloved Kit is having trouble with muscle weakness. And THAT is the REAL problem. Both are part of the Adventures of Moving — moving to a new Location — moving along in Time.

Tagged with: "No See Ums", Biting Midges, muscle weakness, prickly pear cactus
Posted in Accepting Imperfection, accepting my need for help, acknowledging my need for prayer, adjusting, Adventures, connecting, God's Time, moving, Needed Repair Time, recovery time, time, Wanting a protected time

We are not in Honolulu, anymore!

Posted on August 19, 2024 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Morning, God

Here in Tucson — near daughter Sandy and her family — for a bit over a month! And I have fallen in loved with the SKY — an Active, Moving (and by night, Electric) SKY. Truly, God! The Heavens do DECLARE Your GLORY.

We arrived July 13 — during Monsoon Season — and I have stood at night before our huge windows — marveling at the LIGHTENING DISPLAYS! In AWE!!! Kit, who was also watching asked me, “WHY no THUNDER?” Oddly enough, I just had assumed that sheet lighting didn’t make noise . . . but I went to look it up and found that lightening further than 10 miles away — can’t be heard. Imagine!

Aaah, that brings to mind, the TOTAL importance of being Heard. Paul Watzlawick once said that the primary purpose of human communication was to confirm our existence …. as humans beings. And then, having looked him up — only to get his name spelled correctly — I found myself immersed in his theories. I am thinking of one of his axioms: “You cannot NOT communicate.” And the scorched earth effect of refusing to speak about a problem.

But truly, God, if we all just realized HOW MUCH we need to have our EXISTENCE CONFIRMED. . . .we (well, surely, I )would be so much the better for it. Hmmm, it is our existence as Human Beings. . . preferably healthy, kind, caring human beings!

Which brings up my ongoing efforts to become one of those. I find — especially in an election year — that AVOIDING NEWS sources is helpful. Otherwise one is hoisted up into the Good Guys vs Bad Guys story and urged to hate / despise and fear others. I think it was Frank Zappa who described politics as the Entertainment Arm of the Military Industrial Complex. Sigh . . . Into YOUR HANDS, GOD!!!!

And I return to pondering our almost magical relocation — with Thanksgiving!

Tagged with: Paul Watzlawick, Tucson
Posted in Awe, Communication, connecting, Glorious, Heavens declare the Glory of God, Thanksgiving!

Adding CONTENT to Abstractions

Posted on June 9, 2024 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Evening, God

I have been prattling on about abstractions like ADJUSTING and TRANSITIONING . . . in a very cheery upbeat sort of way. But, I failed to understand that each one of us adds content to those abstractions — each time we go through one. Or rather as we go through an ongoing series of them. Because these are not snapshots. These are VIDEOS.

For an example — when Kit slipped in his bathroom and broke his hip — we embarked on a SERIES of adjustments and transitions. Thank YOU, God, that our daughter Sandy was with us! She helped me face a reality that neither Kit nor I wanted to face. Kit and I were lying on the carpet listening to Whitney Houston singing ONE MOMENT IN TIME. And we were happy to stay there . . .

But, Sandy and reality did finally break through and we were off to Straub ER, and then a gamma nail surgery the next morning . . . and then once again, Sandy saved the day! She said to the Case Worker, “Arenʻt there any rehab places on the island that accept family?” And there was ONE. So off we went to Kahuku Medical Center. Sandy took an extra week off from teaching Forth Grade. And we shared being with Kit and being at the Courtyard Oahu North Shore. Kit and I were together and with Sandy and then Dave came to replace Sandy — I got to take time off to shower and then even alternately sleep at the hotel. And I did not need to think about the food. One of their staff even loaned me a zero gravity chair to actually SLEEP in next to Kit. Helpful PT and OT folks came every day to help Kit keep moving.

Then came the transition to home. No more one room striped down living. Now it was a four bedroom home that was out of control. When faced with that kind of an ENLARGED REALITY — Sensory Overload hit me. I felt like 10 years had been dumped on me. YIKES!

Our wonderful son-in-law Dave, who flew out to help, had thought ahead and built a wheelchair ramp so we could get inside. And Castleʻs Adventist Health were on the job right away. But, after living in a simpler reality — one room with a bathroom — the magnitude of the STUFF in our home was exhausting. What a shock that HOME was the hardest part. It took a week for me to return to feeling my regular age.

And now Sandy is here helping once again. And TOGETHER we are facing the Adventure of moving to Tucson — into a lovely one floor townhouse a half mile from Sandy and Dave.

And as I ponder all of this — I am so very THANKFUL that Kit broke his hip just when he did. We had a wonderful long run (53 years) of aging in place in Honolulu. And I am feeling like even a few months later might have been . . . a bit too late. So THANK YOU!!!!

Posted in adjusting, Balancing and adjustments, connecting, Depletion, moving, overload, Transitioning, Transitions

Around the Island on a magic carpet

Posted on April 18, 2024 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

Good Day God!

Monday my wonderful husband, Kit, and I were taken on a “magic carpet” ride to Straub hospital and back. Of course, it was actually by the Royal Kapuna Transport van. But, the ride was made magical by Austin, our driver.

Austin has the gift of caring and listening. Oh my goodness! I had no idea how much I needed to be heard! The words just flooded out of me. Mostly about health — what it is — how to nourish it — and things to do. On and ON I burbled. It never ceases to amaze me how we can tell when someone is “interested” as well as just listening.

Questions and comments flew back and forth as we continued to connect. I found out Austin is a fisherman with an Instagram account. He found out that I LOVE to take photos. In fact, on the way back he pulled over several times so I could get a good shot! That was truly appreciated! In fact, the photo for yesterday’s blog was because Austin took us to the end of La’ie Point so I could see and photograph the rock with the puka in it.

Being with another human being — one who is compassionate and interested — is profoundly healing. I wish more people understood that. I call it “Social Nutrition.” And we need it maybe even more than we need ordinary nutrition. How wonderful it is to receive it. What a blessing it is to have a dear friend who will have a “real” conversation with us. I am blessed with dear friends, beloved daughters, and then magically, a “transit driver” who nourish me.

Tagged with: Royal Kapuna Transit
Posted in being heard into speaking, being together in a compassionate presence, Being With, Compassion, connecting, Hearing, Sharing, the joy of sharing

A Hole . . . in Time

Posted on April 16, 2024 by a moment with god — 1 Comment

https://imagesofoldhawaii.com/kukuihoolua/

Good Day, God

My wonderful husband Kit and I entered a Hole in Time on March 29, 2024 — the day before my 85th birthday. He fell with a house shaking THUMP in his bathroom. By Your Grace, our darling daughter Sandy was visiting us over her Spring Break from teaching 4th grade in Tucson. Even so, we were slow to respond. Kit wanted ONLY to get back in bed. . . a task too far. So Kit and I lay together on the floor listening to Whitney Houston singing One Moment in Time. . . over and over. Kit’s call. After a while Sandy gently pointed out, Dad, we need the firemen to get you back into bed.

I suspect Kit and I really just wanted to drift there on the carpet — staying in One Moment in Time — forever. But finally, Kit, agreed and the firemen came. And then I was able to see reality through their eyes. Yes. . . Kit’s leg was at an unnatural angle. Yes. Yes we should call the ambulance and proceed to Straub’s ER. And then the hole became more familiar. Third time to Straub’s ER. 2022 UTI. 2023 Cellulitis. And now 2024 Broken Hip.

Straub has private rooms and they let the wife stay. This is so important as Kit’s short term memory — especially under stress — is not up to even finding the call button. Sandy was immediately key in getting me to gently ask the staff “might you find a recliner that actually reclines?” And then when our 4 nights were up Sandy asked Kit’s case manager to see if there might be a Rehab place that allows family???

There was! And Sandy and I took turns at the rehab with Kit or at the Marriott North Shore. Again, Sandy’s IDEA! Sandy extended for a second week and then Dave came for a week. Those two weeks helped me in the process of adjusting to this Time and this Place.

Kit and I are now curled up in room 215 at the Kahuku Medical Center. I sleep pretty well in a zero gravity chair (loaned from home by a staff member) right next to Kit’s hospital bed. And meanwhile this HOLE in regular time has deepened and enriched itself. For example, due to an incredible kindness, we were able to see this hole in Kukuiho’olua one of several islets off of La’ie Point that are bird sanctuaries.

I am slowly becoming aware that what are “holes” for me are OPENINGS for YOU.

Tagged with: Holes or Openings, Kahuku Medical Center, Kukuiho'olua, La'ie Point
Posted in a prayer for healing, beauty, connecting, daughters, family, family visits, gratitude, healing, LOVE, opening, Shocks, Surprises

Turning a Corner and WOW!

Posted on January 27, 2024 by a moment with god — Leave a comment

Good Morning, God

Last evening, my wonderful husband, Kit, and I were just returning from dinner at a Greek restaurant. I was wanting their rack of lamb. Coming home we turned the corner and BAM! We were HIT with a sunset that overwhelmed us with Your Glory!

I found a spot where I could park and drink in the JOY that was filing me. Prudent — as photographing while at the wheel is unwise. And I pondered the difference between a slow paced observation of a marvelous sunset — which I have enjoyed many times — and a sudden WHAMO!

Beauty, lovingkindness, the goodness of our fellow creatures, surround us ALL THE TIME. But, I do not often open myself to notice. I am busy going about my own life . . . filled with my own personal clutter. . . which blinds me. Then I turn a corner and SEE!!!!

It is to laugh. LOOK UP! OPEN MY HEART! LOVE!

Or maybe it is just to receive? I AM LOVED. WE ARE LOVED. AS WE ARE. EACH ONE OF US. Will we STOP? OPEN? AND RECEIVE? Will I receive?

So Now I am beginning my day with the Morning Prayer of 1) welcoming this new day — accepting all that comes to me 2) welcoming my full self . . . as I am . . . all corners. 3) offering the day and myself back to YOU.